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Family vent-- totally not interested in wedding
My family seems not to notice or care that my fiance and I are getting married. My parents are divorced and neither of them (at least not that they've told me) will be contributing financially to the wedding. That's fine, but I still want them to be excited and ask me about how things are going. My mom lives out of state and keeps canceling visits to come see me, and I talk to my dad frequently but he never asks about the wedding. My little sister (MOH) is the only one who brings it up, and she's a student, so she doesn't have much experience helping to plan a wedding. But at least she's willing and happy about it!
I really don't think the problem is dislike for my fiance. We've been together ten years and he gets along well with my family, especially my mom who calls him her son she never had. I think part of it is financial: my mom is unable and my dad is unwilling to contribute, so perhaps they think they should butt out or something. My dad is also just really frugal and opposed to spending money under almost any circumstances, and I've been getting the feeling that any time I mention something I'm thinking of for the wedding, he's rolling his eyes on the other end of the phone. So I've only brought up the wedding once or twice. He just sort of listens politely without contributing anything and then changes the subject.
This also raises some major etiquette questions for me. I have only shared these concerns with my fiance and sister because I don't want to make my parents feel uncomfortable. I am prepared to plan the wedding by myself with help from my sister, and I'm trying to put together a budget that my fiance and I can pay for ourselves without help from family or taking on debt. But what about pre-wedding parties, especially engagement? Every etiquette post I've ever read says to never ever host your own engagement party because you're celebrating yourself, to "let" the family of the bride host it. But what if they can't or won't? Should I talk to them about it or just be disappointed and not have the party? To make it more complicated, FMIL is asking when we will be having an engagement party-- but has not offered to host or help in any way.
Re: Family vent-- totally not interested in wedding
I know it might be difficult but I wouldn't take this personally. Some people just aren't in to weddings. And especially since you've alreayd been with your fiance for 10 years. At this point he most likely already feels like their son in law so really this is just a party for them. I wouldn't bat an eye at your Dad not being interested. I don't know many men interested in planning their own weddings, much less wanting to chit chat about the plans for someone else's. It's not something I'd bother to bring up. With your mom, have you talked to her about this and told her it hurts your feelings that she seems to be ingoring something very important to you?
As far as the engagement party, I didn't even realize those were a thing. I've never known anyone who had one. And honesly I'm glad. It's already a big time commitment to go to the shower/bachelorette/wedding itself. I really have no desire to go to 4 different events celebrating the same thing for anyone. But no, you can't host your own. When FMIL asks about it, I'd just be vague and say, "Well no one has offered to throw one so I think we'll skip it." and leave it at that.
Pretty much "ditto" kimbus.
I wouldn't expect most men to really be "into" wedding planning details. And add to that the money issues - yes, I'm sure your parents are avoiding the topic because they think you're going to expect money. But still - with your dad, just eralize he isn't going to be interested in the wedding details.
As for your mom, perhaps talk to her.
The engagement party - ditto kimbus again. I've never been to an E-party. It's not a given that everyone has one. So.... don't stress over it. But, e-parties and showers are gifts TO you. They aren't parties for you to throw yourself. If no one offers, you don't have one.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
To get married you need a bride, groom, marriage license and an officiant. Everything else are extras. An engagement party is a "bonus".
What I would have considered the "engagement party" when my husband and I announced it was a family dinner with my family at my brother's house. We were all gathered around the table and were talking about the upcoming year. It was very low key.
My bridal shower was a brunch held by my sister in law. She was my matron of honor. Our wedding was so small that I didn't bother registering because my husband and I had already been living together for 4 years. The gifts I received were the cake serving set, toasting glasses and cake topper. We also received a beautiful picture frame that held a copy of our wedding invitation and bridal photo.
The bachelorette party was my MOH, a friend from work, the best man's girl friend and I going out to dinner and then going for a few drinks. The bachelor party was again at my brother's house with my husband, his brother the best man and my brother the groomsman. They had an easy dinner, a fire and sat around drinking. Again everything was low key.
The rehearsal dinner was held at a local pizza restaurant.
Had none of those gatherings happened I would still be just as married to my husband.
Make you budget with your FI based on what's important to the both of you. To me, the dress was important. For my husband having a JP and good food was important. I wanted a small amount of flowers and needing to do minimal decorating. I wanted my friend to handle the photography, my mom wanted a professional. We compromised, she paid for the photographer because it was important to her.
Good luck and keep it simple and easy on yourself!
The only ones that need to be excited for your wedding are you and your FI. My parents were head over heels for us during the engagement but still never insisted on knowing about every wedding detail. They were by me during those meaningful parents-daughter moments, were happy to share in the joy and that was it. That's totally fine, the only one I truly wanted to be "into the planning" was my H, he was and we enjoyed 11 blissful months of wedding preparations. You should focus more on this aspect and allow for your parents to simply be happy for you, I'm sure they are! Also, some people will get more excited as the date approaches, it's hard to be all up in arms for something that won't happen for months. Not sure if this is your case.
Ditto PPs, engagement parties belong in the category of extras. Again, don't pay too much attention to these things, you'll only feel unreasonably disappointed. If they happen then great, if they don't you'll be just as married, that's the only true event here.
My H and I had no pre wedding parties. Didn't care for them, didn't miss them and still had one hell of a wedding that we put together 100% ourselves. Wedding planning is stressful and wonderful, you just need to choose your priorities wisely in order to enjoy most of it instead of becoming depressed over most of it.
I'm sorry they're not more into it. Maybe it's sort of anticlimactic after all these years. Do you live together? Maybe it already feels as if you're already married.
If no one is willing to throw you an engagement party, you don't get one.
Engagement parties are optional- in traditional etiquette, they were used to
1) "announce" the engagement as a surprise during an event like a cooktail party or BBQ in order that there would be no gift obligation
or 2) to introduce a prospective spouse who is unknown to close family or friends with the engagement "hinted at" rather than the purpose of the gathering.
Since you already are wedding planning, people know you're engaged and since you've been together 10 years most who need to meet him have.
Where is your FI's family in all this?
I agree with PP.
I have only been to one e-party myself and the people had a ton of oil money. My circle of friends and I didn't have one. As for a shower it should be thrown by friends of yours.
Your parents don't have to be excited about this wedding, they just need to show up. Since you are your FI have been together 10 years they may feel it's about time and knew it would happen.
Nobody is going to care about your wedding as much as you do, and no one is obligated to help you plan- except your fiance. If you want someone to be excited with you, ask him.
If no one offers to host an engagement party for you, you won't have one. Lots of people don't. When your FMIL asks about it, just tell her that so far no one has offered to host one.
Thanks for so many responses, everybody. It helps to get grounded that we will be just as married no matter what. I guess just to put my expectations about engagement parties into perspective, I live in the NY metro area and every single friend or acquaintance in my circle who has ever gotten married has had an engagement party. I'm 25 and Fi is 27 so it's been quite a large sampling. Some were way too over the top and tacky (rented out a banquet hall, cocktail hour, DJ, "first dance..." first dance as what?), while other friends got it just right with low-key brunches or lunches. I don't want something fancy, but e-party is just the status quo among my social circles. I absolutely admit that this is partially motivated by wanting to keep up with the Joneses and I totally get that is not really a valid reason to do anything. It's just how I feel and I'm trying to manage my own expectations. As you all pointed out, it sounds like I've definitely done the right thing by keeping my mouth shut to everyone but FI and my sister (with whom I am extremely close).
As for my FILs, they are more "into" the engagement than my own parents. It's a little tricky though because they keep asking questions (When/where is your e-party? [Notice the question is not if but when]... Set a date yet?... Venue?... Planning to have a baby soon?!?) but haven't offered to host anything. I know as the parents of the groom traditionally they would not host the e-party and I certainly don't want to hint. Even if they wanted to, I don't know enough about their financial situation to think that they could/couldn't do it. I appreciate the suggestion, "No one has offered to host it, so we aren't planning to have one." I wouldn't be hinting that I want them to do anything, but I'd be underscoring the e-party is out of my own hands. This is a really good way to approach those future questions.
I suppose the heart of the issue is just that my feelings are a little hurt by my parents. Yes, Fi and I have been together a long time and we do live together. We are financially independent and I do not expect money from my parents for my wedding. It would just be nice if they seemed interested. I will plan to bring it up with my mom, and I guess I'll not mention anything to my dad unless he brings it up himself.
I haven't read the replies, so I apologize in advance if I'm beating a dead horse.
You have to understand that no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. Also, if you're an independent adult, and your parents respect and treat you as one, they're not going to presume to plan your wedding for you as a way of showing their enthusiasm. Your mom isn't going to make a special trip to see you just because you're now engaged. If she's not in a position to pay for much of the wedding, then it's not her place to call you up and invite you to do wedding planning.
My sense is that you know it's not right to ask them for money for your wedding, but you want to give them a chance to offer it, if they're going to. The fine line between those two things is creating a gigantic awkward silence around this whole topic. You're interpreting the awkward silence as lack of enthusiasm.
If I were in your situation, I would just bring it up directly and put them out of their misery. Say, "Mom/Dad, I just want to let you know that FH and I are expecting to pay for our wedding ourselves. I wanted to make sure you weren't anxiously waiting for us to come and hit you up for money. We hope you'll be our honored guests on the big day, but that's all we're expecting from you."
This will prompt one of two responses:
--relief at being off the hook. In this case you know where you stand and YOU can take the initiative to invite mom to come with you to shop for dresses or look at venues as an adviser. She may feel more excited when she can participate without worrying about giving you a false sense that her enthusiasm = her ability to pay.
--an offer from them to contribute in some way and a frank conversation about the topic. If it goes this way, ask if they would be more comfortable deciding on a fixed dollar amount that they contribute for you to use in whatever way you want, or if they would like to foot the bill for a particular vendor. This is the way my parents handled it when my DH and I got engaged. We announced our intention to pay for the wedding ourselves, and my parents responded by saying, "Well, how about we help you guys out by paying for the catering and the liquor?" This was about 30% of the total cost. It helped us out a ton and they weren't on the hook for more than they felt they could afford. My mom had a lot of say in the food, but she took a back seat on the decisions where I was the one paying.