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stressed, need to vent
*also posted on working moms but might be more of a "relationship" post, so reposted here.
1) We listed our house today and have someone coming to see it Friday. DH is at a sporting event (he could NEVER cancel on his team...eyeroll...), so I'm stuck cleaning and reorganizing the house to make it look presentable. I'm grateful someone is coming to see it but stressed all the same.
2) DH has ADD, he is finally seeing someone on Friday to hopefully get medication or something. In the meantime though, he's been hyperfocusing on this computer game, 2-5 minutes every 15-30 minutes is how often he's playing. Last night he played all night minus and hour when he went to the gym (during that hour he had my phone and played), then got home and playing some MORE until after midnight. He got up at 5:00 to get the cat out of our room and went to check his game AGAIN. Then her was on at 7:00, and throughout our lunch hour, and again tonight.
3) I'm trying to be patient with him but today I failed hard. I can't talk to anyone IRL about it because I want to respect DH's privacy about the health matter, but it's driving me bonkers. I'm praying hard that Friday he gets a solution so that we can move on and hopefully work on our relationship and not have this game consume him so much. I feel like the worst wife ever but I basically told him that if he can't stop playing this game we likely won't be together in 5 years. I don't know how much I mean that and I feel terrible for verbalizing it when really he's the one with the mental health problem that needs support.
4) Is 12 months some kind of witching age? DD has turned into this whiny kid I can't stand. I'm so glad when she goes to bed. Another reason to feel like a terrible person.
Re: stressed, need to vent
I can see why you're stressed. I can relate to some of your post.
My H (soon to be X) has ADD. He would do the SAME thing as your H, hyperfocus on something, although for my H it would be his music. There were some mornings I would be coming downstairs after a night's sleep to get ready for work, and he would be coming up from the basement, having pulled an all-nighter working on mixing music tracks.
To be honest, my H was on Adderall, and it helped, I guess, but I didn't notice any huge transformation in him. So I hope your H can improve but I am not sure the medication in and of itself will do it, based on my experience.
I always had to pick up the house by myself, even though the mess was his! Even if he was helping he would get distracted and end up doing something like cleaning our spare room, when the goal was to get the public parts of the house ready for guests!
Don't have kids so I can't help with that.
I'm sorry you're stressed and I can sympathize!
I was tested for ADD and was over the chart with one of the worst cases the school counselor had seen when I was in HS, and I do not act like this. To be honest running and exercise was what kept it from affecting my school work and life. No one would ever know that I had ADD unless I told them. The meds don't help believe me. They made me sick.
Why don't you sit down with you husband and tell him how feel? I would suggest convincing him to donate the video games. If they are in the house, he won't be able to control himself. Also, make a chore list with him that he should complete by the end of the week.
The excessive video game playing is unacceptable. I'd hide it or break it if I were you.
The game playing is probably extrinsic of his ADD problem.
It's possible to be addicted to video games. And he's got double trouble if addictions run in his immediate family.
THe game has to go.
You might want to drop into AA or NarcAnon and bounce the game playing to excess off them; see what they say.
The gaming has to go; I'd tell him that this evening.
I'm trying to be patient with it because he is seeing a psychologist Friday and I'm trying to give him space with all of this. In the past I have had depression and he was similar with me, tolerant of crappy behaviour while I was waiting for meds to kick in etc.
I've seriously thought about "loosing" the laptop on my way to work, cancelling the internet and going back to a flip phone just to get him to stop playing that game. I don't think I'm exagerating when I say he would be REALLY upset with me, to the point of leaving (maybe not forever but maybe for a little while) because I'm "controlling".
We've seen a councelor. The kicker is this (and it's a kicker)...because I've had depression, a lot of our counceling has focused on us working through that aspect of our relationship - how to deal with me being cranky and unreasonable. We've spent hundreds on counceling to have the guy tell us " You need to give DH more space, he's playing his game to get a break from you". Which would honestly be reasonable considering how lousy I can be sometimes. BUT (kick kick kick), my depression has been resolved since I got pregnant with DD. And he was still playing this game all the time, despite my being pleasant. He only told me 2 months ago that he has ADD, after I blew up on him after he told me we would hang out in 5 minutes (he didn't come up, I got fed up after waiting 45 minutes).
Now I realize that all this time, a lot of my issues (nagging him, getting frustrated adn cranky) were because he has zero sense of time and not because I'm this crazy depressed woman. Sure, I have issues, but not to the extent he led me to believe.
I see your situation slightly differently. In my opinion, everyone has a right to a hobby (or two or three), and you 'taking away' or 'losing' his will only result in resentment. I also don't think that treating your grown husband like a child is a) your right, or the right thing to do, and b) good for your marriage. Does he have the right to determine how you spend your time? He certainly doesn't. (At this point your time is taken up by the housework and various things he isn't doing, so he needs to pull his weight there. You also need your hobbies! This should be non-negotiable.)
My DH has ADD, and is a gamer. I have OCD and anxiety, and I'm also a gamer. We each have our own activities, and when we want some alone time we are entitled to take it and unwind in our own way.
That being said, real life always comes first. We make specific plans to spend quality time together every week, we work together on the housework (ADD is not an excuse for treating you like his maid! Yes, it may mean he is more easily distracted, but you can help him stay on task), and when either of us requests it, the games go off and we do an activity together.
I wish you luck. Counselling may help, and making a schedule may as well. It works for us. If he's not willing to change his behaviour though, don't hesitate to walk away- you deserve a husband who makes an equal effort in your marriage.
ETA: wording
Your counselor sounds like kind of an ass. You've been posting about your dissatisfaction in your marriage for several years now. Maybe your depression has less to do with you not being patient enough and more to do with the fact that you're married to the wrong person.
Our counsellor is pretty good actually, but at the time of our appointments didn't have all the information he would have needed to really help as much as he could (although things did improve a little).
Maybe I could have married someone else; we met young (18) , he was my first serious boyfriend and we got married in our early twenties. We never lived together before getting engaged. Would I do it the same way again? Probably not. I would tell my younger self to date more in general and live with him before getting engaged and to not be in such a rush. Not to say I wouldn't have married him in the end, as he generally is a great guy, but maybe I would have been more certain of myself and I may have realized the ADD/gaming was an issues, and I could have made the choice to take it or leave it. Not to say that divorce is wrong at all, but we have a child now and I want to try to work through our issues as much as I can to avoid it, since I know how hard it could be on her.
The Nest is one of the only outlets I have to vent about these things...I don't want to tell family and friends because my DH is a good person and I don't want to "colour" people's view of him, he doesn't deserve that and I'd be pissed if he did that to me.
He has an appointment with a clinical psychologist this afternoon, so I'm hoping that moves him (and hopefully eventually us) in the right direction.
omg i totally get it. my H is CONSTANTLY on his stupid phone playing this STUPID game. it is driving me friggen nuts. we were having a really serious conversation about our relationship, because of other issues that i wont go in to, and the entire time he was on that game! i wanted to grab it and throw it out of the window on the freeway.
i should not be giving relationship advice, so all i will tell you is that i feel your frustration. the only difference is that you have some sympathy for your H, i havent quite gotten to that point yet.
as far as your DD goes, i understand the feelings. the second that my DD hit 6 weeks, we were hit with colic. i wanted to claw my eyes out. but, as moms, we are addaptable. and even though it will be a rough and trying road, im sure that you will find your own way to (for lack of a better word) get used to it. for me, it involved ear plugs and a lot of cheek biting. during the worst of it i put the ear plugs in and went put DD in the swing or play pen and went to the other room for 5 min to re group, that helped a lot.