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Brother Vent
So I have an almost 19 year old brother who I've written about before I am sure. He graduated from high school but didn't want to go to college because he wasn't and still isnt' sure on what he wants to do. I was a bothered by that but figured well that's fine as long as he works. Well he got a job but it was only part time, he lives with my dad, drives a car my dad gave him, and pretty much has my dad pay all his bills. He has had a few part time jobs since then and a couple full time jobs but he quits them all saying one thing or another about why he didn't like it. He will sometimes say he is interested in school. I used to fight with him about it all the time because he was getting and going no where. Then I cooled off because he would stop talking to me, so for a while I just layed off of him regarding anything that had to do with work or school. Things got better he got a full time job was still living at home but was paying for most things I think.
Now he's quit that job and has gone back to working a part time job with my grandma and cousin. This is a job he had before but quit becasue he and my cousin fought too much, and my grandma is so slack that no matter what he will always have a job even if it's working only one day a week there. I hate that he's working there because he can just be lazy and gets paid and he thinks that that is enough. My dad is stuck with all the bills again and he also gets frusterated and vents to me about it and asks me to try and talk to my brother. I end up just getting frusterated with the both of them.
I told my dad he is enabling my brother and not helping him become independent. I told him that I would not help my brother anymore and would rather not have anything to do with him if he's just going to leech off of my dad and not take any responsibility for himself. It's too frusterating for me to watch and be apart of and I'd rather not try to help someone who doesn't want help or just is a brat when you do help.
I'm literally so over the whole situation I could care less on how my brother does and if he can get basic things done like his taxes or anything. I'll still see him at family events but I'm done trying to extend a helping hand or even any guidance.
Sorry for the long vent.
Re: Brother Vent
Classic failure to launch scenario.
Until your brother is held accountable for his decisions and lack of decisions, he will remain the same. Until he is forced to leap out on his own, he will always do whatever it takes to do the bare minimum and allow the "net of daddy" to appear to catch him.
I think you have this figured out, though.
This post reminded me of my brother so then I went and wrote my own.
How old is your brother now? I mean is there a reason he doesnt want to go to college?
Is he intersted in the military.
Your dad HAS to set ground rules now, or he will end up like my brother, who is 36 and still leeching off my parents, and you will feel as resentful as I do, believe me.
He will be 19 in April. He says he doesn't know what he wants to do so he doesn't want to go for no reason. Also he thinks he needs a new car before he can go? Yeah makes no sense. He also thinks he HAS to go out of state but is too lazy to get financial aid or any other means to get the money to go to school so that is another excuse money.
At one point I think he was but he is such a baby that I don't think he could hack it in the military.
My dad is an alcoholic who wasn't in our lives much so I think this is his way of paying it back. Also he works a 2 week on and off schedule so he's never home and he also travels on a whim and just leaves. Basically my brother has free reign so I don't believe he has any desire to make things better because it's good just as it is and my dad pays for the basics.
It's funny though because my dad gets really annoyed and mad with him but doesn't express it much to him because he doesn't want to hurt my brothers feelings and make him mad. So it's a never ending cycle.
This sounds so much like my dad. He also had some problems with alc. when my brother was younger and i think wasn't there as much for him as he was for me, so he feels like he is making it up to him.
Anyway---- I think at 19 he is also just young and immature, and hopefully if your dad makes him start doing something like giving him an ulmatium "either you go to college full time, and can live here rent free or you have to start paying rent" it will show him some responsibility. But of course, that's up to your dad, not you.
Sorry, believe me, I've been there
Not uncommon for a parent to pay for a car for a 19 year old or somebody whose in college. That is fine, but what's not fine: mooching from your parents. You either go to school and/or you get a job. No 19 year old sits around and wastes space and air.
You are not to pay for a car for a kid who mooches and has no job or is not going to school somewhere: this is the fault of your parents.
Your grandma needs to be a manager and a boss and forget that this is her g-son: either he works and adheres to a set schedule or he can use the door and not return when he exits out of it.
Your dad needs toughlove. This is another case of enablement.
I have a brother who is the same way. He's been like this for years and he's no kid. He's a full grown adult (in technical terms anyway, based on chronological age) and he's never going to grow up, either.
What you can do:
Steer clear of bro. This can only be trouble for you.
Do NOT give bro any money. That's not your look out and do not be a soft touch for a guy who will piss your hard-earned money up.
This is what I would suggest you say the next time your dad vents to you about your brother:
"Dad, I can appreciate your frustration with Brother because you want him to fulfill his potential. But if you continue to enable his laziness, he will never change. If you make him responsible for his own bills, he will be required to figure his stuff out. You make it possible for him to continue. If you want it to stop, you must stop. No words that I say will change him. Therefore, I will not be speaking to him about any of this. And since we have had this conversation over and over again, I will not be listening to you vent about this issue any further. If you try to initiate this conversation again, I will remind you to stop. If you fail to stop, I will hang up or walk away. Are we clear on what my response will be if you bring this topic up again? Good."
I feel for you. The sad thing is that if your dad is enabling your brother and you see that but no one else does, then this will create tension between you and the rest of your family. I've seen this happen with my husband's family and my own to an extent. MY BIL is in his late 20's, has a child, got his parents to buy him a car only for him to crash it because he thought it wasn't nice enough, and still guilts his parents into giving him thousands of dollars meanwhile my husband barely got any help from them when he needed it. When their mom brings up how hard of a time BIL is having and how he needs all the love and help he can get, I can see how much it hurts, angers, and frustrates my husband. It's not his responsibility to parent his elder brother--and you shouldn't have to worry about your brother as if you were his parent.
There was one point where my husband virtually had no money way back in college but he gave into pressure from their mom to give his brother money for a suit for work--big surprise, the brother also got money from other people for that same suit. Even with all the problems his brother has, the fact lies that he is a big scammer--and we both really wish that their parents would wake up to it and not keep regressing into enablers. Just stand your ground, that's all you can really do...can't force other people like your dad to see things the way you do. He'll have to learn for himself.