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A Better Way to Communicate?
My Hubby and I are perfect. We knew each other as children and reconnected two years ago and fell in love. He's everything every woman wants in a man, handsome (stud muffin), smart, handy with tools/all types of vehicles, strong, tall, very affectionate, watches any movies even chick flicks with me willingly, comforting, you get the picture. We can talk about ANYTHING.
We have already had our marriage license signed at the end of last year in Oct. because we didn't think we could afford a wedding financially...until he luckily got a great job with my godfather. He makes good money, and we started planning our wedding for Oct. of this year, but so far only the DJ deposit is down. I have constantly reminded him about the small deposits on the venue, and caterer, etc., and he just says "I know" but in a way that seems like he feels it to be financially burdening right now. Granted, I'm a Pharm tech looking for work so yes, all the finances are on him, but he makes plenty enough to just do the deposits. I do want to save for this event, but I know how organized I am, and if I were working I would have all this taken care of by now! I just don't know how to bring it up anymore and he's not rude or anything at all...just doesn't do anything about it.
So I decided to postpone the wedding until next Oct. because I'm not having any fun planning this by myself (even the women in my family besides my mom are not really making a big deal about it)...and it kind of hurts. They all support us and love how we are together, but they all focus on themselves I guess so I've had very little help from my aunt and mom. I know it is better to wait so that I'll have finances, but I'm wondering if there is a better way to express this to my hubby. I have already tried recording his income, our expenses, and how much each deposit will be so he could see how inexpensive it is written out.
Also, how do I get people more involved with something that means so much to me? The more I think about it the more I think I should just take the few who really care and go on an island getaway or something. Please help. He's an amazing man.
Re: A Better Way to Communicate?
Wait, so are you already married or not? You stated that your marriage license was signed in October of last year, but you are planning a wedding for this October.....
If you are already married, then you can't have a do-over wedding. Which may explain why your family isn't that much into the wedding, and neither is your H.
If you are not already married then sit down and have a discussion with him on what type of wedding you both want, and how much can feasibly be spent on one. Then plan according to what is budgeted or wait longer and save some more money in the meantime. Also, others will never be as excited about your wedding as you are. It is a very special day to you and your S/O, they just get to join in on watching it happen.
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So you think this more or less IS a marriage.
Nuh uh.
You already have whackall expectations. This is NOT a marriage.
You still need an officiant who is legally able to conduct a wedding..and the 2 of you gotta show up to go through with the CEREMONY. And the marriage is more or less not legal until the ceremony is over and done and witnessed by 2 people who also sign the license, along with the officiant's sig.
And marriage licenses are NOT good for an indefinte period of time. it varies from state to state and from county to county. You'd be best to check on this, if you were smart.
The Rule Number One in Life is this -- and this is whether you are single or married:
DO not buy what you cannot afford straight away.
If it is out of your financial reach, you don't even think of trying to buy it right now.
Buy only what you can afford.
Pharm tech? that is, at best, a $12 an hour JOB and the benefits suck at hospitals -- and they suck worse at pharmacy chains. Do yourself a favor: find another career that pays a lot more money than a pharm tech.
Your other problem is a lazy nonproactive boyfriend.
Ask yourself if you can live with a lifetime of being a mom to him -- this is like a mother going, "Time for school..." and the kid goes "maaagimmefiiiive more minnnutess...."
You are mothering this guy.
Do yourself a favor: put the wedding plans on hold until you can see if you can get him to grow up and be a full grown man. Chances are you will not be able to...in which case get rid of this dead weight and find a MAN.
You said if you were working you'd have all of this save and paid for?
That's not the point.
The point is that you and he are supposed to sit down and discuss what kind of a wedding you can have that is within your financial reach. And the BOTH of you pay for the event. Not just YOU.
This already shows me that there is either an unrealistic expectation with money or this guy expects you to pull the financial load and that you think pulling it is okay. Just what do you think's gonna happen when the wedding is over -- there'll be no more expenses, just the wedding?
Who is pulling the financial weight now with household expenses -- please do not tell me it is YOU.
He is an amazing man?
No he's not. Not from what you reported here.
You're already married so he (and the rest of your family) probably thinks it's incredibly silly and wasteful to get "married again."
Regarding HIM - you need to sit down and talk it out. First - ask him what he REALLY thinks about a "wedding." If he is indeed on board, then make a list of the amounts and dates due. Also - if you're already married, do you have access to your collective money? Why can't you just take the bull by the horns and take care of this yourself?
Regarding your FAMILY - drop it. Even when people get married the first time around people aren't goo-goo-ga-ga. Throw a second "wedding" into the mix... no offense but DUH! I really don't see how you can reasonably expect people to be over the moon about this.
So, in closing, to answer your question: a better way to communicate? Stop perpetually dropping subtle hints despite him perpetually dismissing you. Sit down and actually talk it through.
ETA - My apologies, I didn't realize you all weren't already hitched. That said, disregard my statements about the "second wedding." But all the rest still pretty much applies. That is - get over your disappointment about your family's lack of enthusiasm because let's face it - a wedding is really only super-duper, I'm gonna pee my pants exciting for the bride and groom. And yeah, DISCUSS this with your fiance/boyfriend/husband/whatever he is rather than drop indirect indications of what you want and need.
How does signing a marriage license minus the ceremony constitute a legal and recognizable marriage?
"Second weddings" are tacky and pretentious. HAVE ONE --- and if it is one in town hall with a small contingency of guests and 2 witnesses, so be it.
A wedding is what you make it. NOT the quantity of the wedding ceremony, but the quality of it counts.
See my ETA above Miss Monoxide, my mistake!
Er, in CA the license is only good for like thirty days or sixty or something. Point being that no matter the state, it might be invalid soon.
Your FI sounds like sort of a man's man. Maybe he isn't excited about weddings? I know that DH and I are not wedding people and before we found a way to make it ours it gave us a headache to even start to think about it and the expense, even if it wasn't ours(long story, had to have a wedding).
Have you asked him what is going on? Only he can tell you.
Regarding the planning, imagine the typical wedding planning stuff from someone else's eyes. Lead with things that are generally exciting like exotic food, highlights of the venue and ...things that generally would make you want to be at a party. Things which are all about you are hard to get excited about, besides the dress and maybe a couple others. And even the dress is fun for people to see you in!
A California marriage license is good for life unless the couple divorces. Legally recognized marriages don't have an expiration date in any state.
OP, it sounds like you and your husband aren't actually on the same page about finances, budgeting, and priorities. Maybe you don't communicate as well as you think? If I were your husband, I would be pretty irritated that my wife expected me to finance an extravaganza while she wasn't working and putting her desires for a pretty princess day ahead of our financial stability. Paying deposits on things you can't afford now and might not be able to afford when the full bill comes due is really unwise- you're shooting yourself in the foot.
Additionally, you made a choice to get married without all of the hoopla of a traditional wedding, presumably because you both felt that being married was more important than the dress and the flowers and the big party. If you wanted all of that stuff, you should have waited until you had saved up the money for it, like responsible adults do. You are married. You had your wedding.
You sign the license when someone authorized by your state to solemnize a marriage has followed the requirements outlined in state law and pronounces you married. So yes, signing the paperwork constitutes a legal marriage ceremony, even if the whole process takes all of three minutes. Since OP refers to her significant other as her "hubby" and not fiance, I think it's reasonable to assume that by "had our marriage license signed back in October", she meant they were legally married by a judge.
This is not always true, depending on state. Sometimes you must obtain the license from the county clerk, a copy of which is made for state records after both partners sign, and after the ceremony it is signed by the officiant, witnessed, and submitted. Only then is it binding.
Yes, you are correct that the paperwork has to be properly filed in order for the marriage to be recognized, but again, I'm assuming that since OP refers to her "hubby" that they completed the whole process for getting legally married. It doesn't make sense that they would meet with the officiant and go through the legal motions of getting married, sign the license, and then decide not to submit the completed license because they couldn't afford a big wedding.
OP is already legally married and planning a do-over. I'm not sure why people are so confused about what's going on here.
Why do you need a do over and why do you need one when it is clear it is unaffordable --- unless you plan a very small and intimate affair?
Their big problem is miscommunication about money. All the do overs in the universe won't fix that.
OP, it sounds like you and your husband aren't actually on the same page about finances, budgeting, and priorities. Maybe you don't communicate as well as you think? If I were your husband, I would be pretty irritated that my wife expected me to finance an extravaganza while she wasn't working and putting her desires for a pretty princess day ahead of our financial stability. Paying deposits on things you can't afford now and might not be able to afford when the full bill comes due is really unwise- you're shooting yourself in the foot.
And all of this too! OP - whether you're married right now or not (will you for the love of God please come back and let us know what is up?), your finances are shared. That means you BOTH have to agree on how and where to spend money, particularly when it involves A LOT OF MONEY.
Sounds like you guys ain't so perfect after all (sorry for the snark but that really irritated me)... you haven't reached any common ground on this topic nor have you decided to really sit down and hash it out.
Bottom line - if you're already married, that's it, you're married. Another "wedding" is silly. If you aren't already married, then agree on budget, how you're going to allocate said budget, and make a list of amounts/times deposits are due.
Take it from me -- and others who already had the "usual" type of wedding and reception --- the smaller the better.
I see nothing at all wrong with inviting perhaps 20 of your nearest and dearest and then having a reception that easily fits your budget. Not the quantity of the guests, but the quality.:)
Agree on a budget. Even if he's a guy and is not "into" planning a wedding, he's got to be into budgeting this affair with you; it's essential.
Don't go into hock for one day.
And if he won't be a team with you and sit down to budget and plan what kind of a wedding and how many, not so good.
I'm going with you are already married. You referred to him as your "hubby" and said your marriage license was signed. I'm guessing by an officiate?
If that is the case. he is probably acting that way because he thinks it is silly to do what has already been done. This also probably why your family is acting this way.
I'd either let the whole shenanigans go, or wait until you have reached...say a 5 year anniversary?...and renew vows in a small, intimate ceremony. No big deal.
OK, I can see you are correct renegade.
Most people are not excited about second weddings, tbh. How about more of a celebration party?