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More crap with my ILs...
So remember the Christmas ex-gf debacle? Then the old "mistress" nonsense. (Cliff notes for those not familiar - my MIL brought up my husband's ex-gf from 9 years ago for the umpteenth time at Christmas and I yelled at her. My FILs old fling has come back into the picture. Up to speed?). Well they are at it again and I'm getting really annoyed with it all.
Since both events, I talked to my MIL and we agreed to put our sh!t to bed. She never really acknowledged what she did but whatever, can't draw blood from a stone. I figured, I said what I had to say, we'll see what happens going forward. My husband and his Dad did not further discuss the mistress incident.
When I smoothed everything over with MIL, she told me she was going to call me that Thursday (this was a Sunday). She never called. No big deal. Frankly, as much as I was ok to move past everything, I don't really want to talk to her so I was happy she never called me.
Several weeks later, my husband is out of state on business. My MIL calls me while I'm skyping with him. I never called her back. Meanwhile my FIL apparently emailed me twice during those two weeks. I never got any emails.
Now they are singing the blues that Jemma ignores them. Cry me a f*cking river. First - I didn't call up my MIL crying when she didn't call me for weeks despite saying she would. And second - I never got any emails from my FIL. I'm not saying he's making it up but DUDE, Relax. My husband spent 30 minutes (yes, you read that correctly, 30 minutes) trying to convince his Dad that I never got the emails. He finally said "Dad, she's not lying to me." (And yeah, I know my husband is ridiculous for spending that much time entertaining the conversation).
What's chapping my a** now is - YOU ARE THE ONE'S THAT F*CKED UP! And now that the heat is on them, I feel like they are trying to deflect the blame on us.
My husband is having a "sit-down" with them which can't happen soon enough. I trust him to not let them paint me as the bad guy (despite the 30 min discussion about the emails, he did have my back, I heard most of the conversation - which actually went on for 60 more minutes but I digress).
These people are so clingy and needy and self-serving and I can't go back to trying to make them happy. Because that effort is a detriment to my marriage. I don't mind being civil and pleasant when I see them, I'm more than ok to do that. But they want a relationship on their terms, they want to talk to me weekly, email, text, want us to visit them far too often... if they don't get it, they play victim. Doesn't work on us anymore...
I'm more or less venting here. Since I've been incommunicado with my ILs, I've been so much happier. I just want to keep it that way. So if that means they get upset when I don't respond, so be it. Better them than us.
Oh, and my husband's aunt started in on me too, left me this weird voicemail about how I'm not an "in-law" that I'm actually family now and I should call her more and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I never called her a** back either! I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone sometimes! Ha! God only knows how my husband turned out the way he did.
Re: More crap with my ILs...
Sweetie, you don't have to do a damned thing. Seems to me that auntie is just fishing for a reason to gossip about you.
Have your husband handle all communication from now on and insist that he keep his conversations short and to the point.
See them when you want to, not when they do and only if you feel like it.
Be civil and polite in public but that is all
Mostly, ignore ignore ignore.
They sound a little batty. And passive aggressive.
Stay out of the Zone before you become one of Them.:(
Haha! Yes! They are trying to turn us into the Pod People!
So what if you didn't call or email them back? Maybe you are busy or whatever.
Going forward just have your H be the one who takes phone calls and emails from them. No reason to give up your happiness when you will never win with them anyways.
Well we don't have a life outside of them apparently.
This is no big deal for normal people, right? I call my sister or my Mom and sometimes they don't respond for days. I don't blow a gasket. As a matter of fact, I don't care, not even an iota. They are so weird.
Oh some people care. Actually this, your in laws behavior is my biggest pet peeve. My MIL pulled an absolute stunt because I didn't call her back and I'm no longer talking or seeing her. It's been really nice for me
This is all about boundaries, and the thing about boundaries is it's on you and DH to set them and enforce them. It's not about telling the other people "these are our boundaries and it's on you to abide by them".
TELLING them "don't be clingy" isn't going to work. You and DH not responding to their clinginess (not answering the phone, cutting a conversation short, not sitting down and "explaining" things to them) is what is going to give you the peace you want. YOU already know this! You've had little to do w/ them and you feel better for it!
You can't stop them from being clingy, but you can change how you react to it. Your DH really needs to realize this and he needs to stop talking/explaining/ defending himself to them . They are still getting what they want- attention!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I hear what you're saying. And while the 90 minute phone call isn't the best example, we have actually enforced the boundaries, but it's been met with displeasure (which has manifested into offensive commentary) AND confusion. They want to know why we don't take their calls, why we don't see them as often, why I yelled at my MIL, why my husband supports my choice to yell at her, why he argued with his Dad, etc. I don't think we'd have any more success with firmly establishing boundaries doing what we've already done (ignoring phone calls, not visiting, etc). I do believe a conversation is in order.
As much as these threads have revolved around ME, and MY issues with them, my husband has got a whole host of his own. Whether it's me or him, he's the least common denominator - that is, they don't have a life outside of him. And now that he has his own life/his own family, they are in an absolute tizzy.
I asked my husband "Why do you think you're Dad is so upset over all of this?" His response is "Because he's losing control." His Dad is, and always has been, very controlling - he wants what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it. When he doesn't get it, he's a prick. To sum it up, he wants his son to be more involved in HIS life. He's not getting it.
So - yeah, I think it's time my husband verbalizes his position, his expectations, and the consequences...
Thanks for all the input (and commiseration!).