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Is it normal and OK to have a "crush"?
I've been married for almost 6 years. Our marriage takes work, as most do, but it's a good marriage. My husband is loyal and honest and he is head over heels for me. But, I'm not as attracted to or in love with him as he is with me. It's never been a real problem for me until the last couple of weeks. I innocently met a man at work who I found myself very attracted to. I can tell that the attraction is mutual. He happens to be single. Since our meeting, I think about him all the time.
When I think about him, I feel butterflies in my stomach; like the way you feel when you first fall in love! I don't feel butterflies for my husband anymore...
The reason this bothers me so much is because I actually day dream about cheating on my husband with him. I'm not a cheater! WTF is going on here? Do you think this is innocent enough or could I be headed for a real problem? Maybe a "crush" is normal for a married woman...? Yes? No?
Re: Is it normal and OK to have a "crush"?
I beleive it is "normal" to fall in and out of love with your husband (but still Love him). But consider the after math of acting on these feelings. Lets just say you fell in love with this crush and ended your marriage. Sooner or later the reality of "life" will set in and thigns will get old just like it does with your marriage. The stresses and changes in your personal life will affect your home life and relationship first, as it would with your crush.
It is scietifically proven that when you meet someone new more Dopemeine is relseased in your brain that gives you the arousel and butterflys you are mentioning. That too would fade.
Work on doing new and exciting things with your husband. Maybe role play (as if you were strangers), if thats something you are comforatble with. Set up a "date night" and do something you wouldn't normally do, at home or out.
I do agree that cutting off communication with this crush will help you focus more on your husband.
This.
I like this post. A lot. And it is true. Maybe things have just gotten stale at home and the excitement of a stranger' being attracted to me is all that I'm really feeling, in the end. After all, a woman knows when someone is attracted to her and it's flattering! Maybe I like the thrill of someone else wanting what my husband already has? I could never in a million years picture myself actually acting on my feelings. Never. Maybe this is just telling me it's time to spice things up at home.
Thank you for your input. I felt I needed to 'voice' these feelings to someone so I chose to do it here, where I don't know anyone.
Having a crush isn't that abnormal and isn't a big deal. Allowing yourself to fantasize all day about sleeping with this guy will probably lead to irrational behavior and you'll probably regret it later.
I think it's ridiculous to pretend that once people are married they never feel arousal for their non-spouse. REALLY? But, what I choose to do about it is very important. Losing yourself in a crush is heading for disaster. Allowing it to be what it is, puppy attraction that boost self-esteem and can energize the passionate sex you have with your spouse, I don't see that as a problem.
I think it's normal to find people of the opposite sex attractive, but being physically attracted to them?? That's a whole other ball of wax. I don't believe I'd ever be able to look at someone else, engage with someone else, and develop those feelings... I feel like there is a filter somewhere inside me that stops it from ever happening.
For your sake, I would stop communicating with this man. It's over the line of being innocent. Even though you KNOW you would never act on your feelings, teetering on the edge isn't good either. Plus I think it's quite disrespectful to your husband. Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed?
Basically this. Of course I still appreciate a good looking man. DH likes to joke that he's glad Eric on True Blood isn't real.
But you seem a little obsessed. I think you need to pull back and refocus on your marriage.
I agree that "crushes" are somewhat normal. But it's how you deal with it that can become a problem. I'd stop any contact not needed with this guy and concentrate on your marriage. Start flirting with your husband the way you flirt with this guy instead. Of course if you are unhappy with your marriage that is another issue. Your husband sounds like he is good to you, so he deserves for you to be completely with him (emotionally). So I'd suggest you need to take a look at your marriage, is it what you want out of life? I don't want to be quick to suggest divorce or anything, but honestly as cliche as it sounds- life is too short to be unhappy.
It seems like the two responses you've gotten are "no good can come of this, cut off contact with this guy" or "as long as you are only fantasizing, but don't act, it's ok". I'd like to add a third option: maybe this is a signal to you to take a hard look at your marriage. I'm not saying that marriage has to always involve butterflies or intense, falling-in-love feelings, but you mention that you feel your husband loves you more than you love him. Have you always felt that way? Is it possible he was a "comfortable" choice for marriage, but maybe not the right one?
I will share my experience with you. I got married when I was 27 to a guy I had been seeing for a couple of years. We both wanted to get married and have kids. We were good friends. The attraction, the romance, the sex was absent, but I didn't think it mattered to me. I had never been head-over-heels in love, and I assumed it was a made-up feeling that Hollywood tries to sell us, and that I shouldn't expect it.
Fast-forward five years. We were absolutely miserable. We had a child together, who is AWESOME. We completely saw eye-to-eye on how to raise him, and how to run our family finances, etc. No fights over money or family values. We were still friends. There was just no spark, no attraction, we just were not right for each other. And I had no idea what was wrong with us...until I met someone else.
I met a guy at work who immediately set my world on fire. It started exactly as you're describing. It was instantaneous attraction, we completely clicked on every possible level, down to our minor in college and our favorite fiction genre. Everything. All of a sudden it was painfully obvious that I was never in love with my husband.
I did my due diligence, I'm not saying you should just go for it with this guy -- try re-focusing on your marriage, try couples therapy, try a vacation away, try anything you think you should be trying. I did all of that. We tried for about another year, during which time I was "friends" with this guy at work, but nothing more. We never saw each other or talked to each other outside work. After another year of intense trying, my husband and I admitted to each other we were not in love, and he moved out.
This was two years ago. We are divorced now, live down the street from each other, and are better friends than ever. We co-parent our awesome four-year-old and both of our families support us in our "modern family" situation. It has been hard at times, but the relief I feel is indescribable.
I'm just saying, this crush you are describing may have less to do with the guy at work, and more to do with your marriage. So maybe do some digging.