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Thinking I just went with it.............
Hello, I am on here to share my story. I am newly married less than a year but been with my now husband for over 6 years. In the past 3 years we got engaged, bought a house (moved in together), started my own business, and got married.
For about 5 years now I have not been happy with the level and quality of intemecy but he always had an excuse as to why he wasn't "in the mood" or checked out mentally. Stress, work, tired.......etc.
I have always been a very giving, fun, goofy, thoughtful person and sadly now I have lost those qualities because of the lack of apprecaiation and feedback from doing these things. For example, I ALWAYS had somethign fun to do together on Valentines Day and would always have a cute message in my card for him, no need to spend lots of money, I'm easy to please. But now I don't care to do these things.
Here is a run down of current day. I would rather not be intimate at this point, the thought of it does nothing for me. We don't have conversation much and we spend alot of time apart. He seems to be picking up on these signs and making half assed effort to be attentive. I have started seeing a therpist to figure out my feelings and what is bothering me more and how to scale my problems, as well as start thinking on how to fix it rather than whether to leave or not.
Has anyone else expericenced these issues so soon in their marriage? I'm wondering if I got caught up in what I was "supposed to do" ratehr than steping back and examining my actuall feelings and wants and needs.
Re: Thinking I just went with it.............
I didn't think he would "change" I just thought it would go back to normal. Like I said for years I have been getting excuses, in his defense with good reason. We didn't live together, I worked three jobs, he lived at home......so when we bought our home and moved in together 3 years ago I thought things would go back to the way they were. But then it was new excuses, stresed about money, no time, he just ate, he hasn't taken a shower, we work late, "you go to bed too early". This goes for actual sex and affection. I guess now the dust has settled and its easier for me to see that things weren't going to go back to the way they once were.
My question was if anyones else has had these issues not if I made the wrong choice or not.
Iappreciate all advice but trust me I have put all of that into consideration while trying to figure this all out.
When did the problems start appearing ? About one year in the relationship ?
Do you think it is possible he put his best foot foward at first in order to "get you", but once he knew you guys were serious, his true self came out ?
For us we experienced that recently. It sucks but we handled it and we continue to work on each other because we want the best for us as a couple. We are 6 years into our relationship and 5 years into our marriage. It really doesn't matter when you experience it. What matters is how you handle it as a couple.
I would say after 2 years was a signifigant change in the physical part of our relationship. But what has triggered everyting for me now if the recent lack of emotional connection. I have realized through therapy that the lack of physical attention and spark has cause myself, and him most likely, to start shutting down emotionally.
I'm sure he has his complaints about me, BUT he is very traditionally and tends to sweep things under the rug. I think he would just go on with things like this forever. We have breifly talked about children but I am not comfortable enough in our marriage with things so unsteady to bring a child into it.
I will admit I am trying because I know I should, but I am not going to lie and say with my whole heart i want to. Emotionally I am shut off, but I know in order to at least try to fix things I need to learn to communicate my feelings better.
Holy cow.
To me, that would mean "Relationship over; time to move on" and I'd have moved on.
And has anybody experienced these issues so soon in their marriage?
Lady, are you kidding?
You had sexual problems -- the problem is that he would not get intimate --- yet you married him.
The worm was in the apple a long time ago. Either he was always meh about sex, he checked out emotionally yet chose to marry you anyway (only he can tell you why; it could be for security or a trillion other reasons) or sex was never really important to you...but now you're choosing to make an issue of something that existed for years.
The only thing I can suggest:
Talk to him and ask him what's with the disconnect and work on the problem together or you decide what you want to do at this point if he refuses to ante up sexually in the sack.
When this mess began 5 years ago you should have moved on, NOT married this guy.
I wonder what would happen if the 2 of you got to a therapist and he or she asked the both of you "why did you choose to marry when you did" it would be quite the conversation starter.
You can't fix what's broken. No ring and no vow and no license is going to turn him into a raving sex machine.
Who knows why he checked out of the bedroom? Again, only he can tell you why.
Sex has always been very important to me. I am a very sexual person and very open.
Let me also add, he is on meds that affect his T levels and his sex drive. He does not excercise much at all anymore (he was a gym guy before) I have spoken to him about how these things affect his health and me but nothing seems to get through to him. Either he isn't into sex with ME or he is feeling the same way I have been.
Listen Ladies I KNOW I MARRIED INTO THIS I am asking how to fix it. What are some solutions? How did someone else handle it? What are some realistic timelines, expectiations? Tips on hwo to communicate without causing him to shut down or hurt him.
My disconnect is caused by lack of emotional and physical connection, and YES its been like this for awhile but i got cought up in the "next step". Get engaged.......buy a house.......plan a wedding.........get married. Now that all of that is over I'm looking at my situation and wondering hwo I ignored some of these signs, but obviously it was because I do love him and we had something once. Did we grow up and at the same time grow apart? Are we just in a normal rut?
This is supposed to be all about advice.
Has he seen a doctor to correct the medical issues affecting his sex drive? I think that would be a primary step.
What does he say when you communicate your unhappiness? You say he shuts down...have you tried counseling?
What about setting aside some time for date nights each week, with alternating planning? Or sharing some sexual fantasies and spicing things up that way?
Here's the thing though: he's been this way for the majority of your relationship. It is VERY likely that this is his normal, not who he was in your honeymoon stage. And also, this stuff only works when you both commit to it-you sound checked out already.
NO, he has not seen a doctor. But we do know that low sex drive is a mojor side effect of his meds. We have talked about him getting back to the gym to promote T production and to help him get healthy to get off one if not both of his high blood pressure meds. After an inital few days of silence after I expressed my concern and issue he agreed to start working on that. BUT I have seen no change or effort.
Now that he knows I am going to therapy he has been trying to get me to talk, but before when I would coominutcate things that were bothering me he would just say "I work hard", "I have a lot of stress", it seems he just didnt get it or just decided to ignore the omportance of my feelings.
I actually at one point made us a contract that we both signed to promise one another to designate one night a week to each other, whether we went or stayed in. No cell phones, no internet, no company just time together no matter what we did. We rotated weekly (even putting sexy time on the date night list) BUT it lasted for 3 weeks, when it came back to his turn I got home and he was working on the computer from home. I have been very open with him sexually, I hope its not too much TMI but he knows pretty much anything that comes to his mind if he voices it to me I will try my best to please him. I even would wear sexy little things to intise him. That ended when he came to me washing dishes in one (just to be silly and sexy) and he laughed at me and ignored it.
I'm very saddened to think that it could be over, I want to be a good wife and good person and try. I will try, I have, but I just don't know what else to do.
I will agree that the honeymoon stage was extended for us multile times. We traveled a lot on vacation we would be fine, then when we got home a few weeks later things would fizzle, same with buying the house, getting engaged, married etc.
My brain is telling me you're right, but my heart tells me i need to let out exactly what i'm feeling. if he chooses to fight for it with me and it still doesn't work and least i know i tried.
Wow, I think you need to own your lack of communication issues. You made your husband sign a date night contract? That is insane.
First sit down and have a conversation with him, listen to what he tells you. From your statements I seriously wonder if you really listen when he talks. You say he is communicating you aren't accepting his answers. He now sees the issues are bothering you and wants to communicate and you're shutting down.
Second, you choose to marry him anyway. Do you want this to work? If so, make your expectations known, clear and simple, and see what his response is. Talk about your feelings not what he's doing wrong. If he wants to work on things and so do you then schedule couples counseling. That means neither of you can continue to hold the past against each other, you either forgive and cautious make a real attempt or you move on.
Third, it sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself. You don't need to please him or be this perfect wife. You will never be happy or fulfilled it you put all of that on your DH.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
What is DH?
Dear Husband.
WOW! Some of you ladies are brutal!!!!!
I guess troubled marriage and communication issues are not commmon on this blog, or on the nest. I can't beleive the critisism and tudes! I have owned up to my issues and I have told him many times Iw ish he would tell me what bothers him.
TRUST ME if i came home one day and he screamed about the dog *** in the yard or my dunkin donuts usage on my credit card i would CRY with HAPPINESS!!!! It's a 50/50 thing my dears and I feel I have tried, been trying, never stopped, till now.
FYI the "insane contract" is from a famous blogger mom/wife/business woman who started Project 52.
WOW! Some of you ladies are brutal!!!!!
I guess troubled marriage and communication issues are not commmon on this blog, or on the nest. I can't beleive the critisism and tudes! I have owned up to my issues and I have told him many times Iw ish he would tell me what bothers him.
TRUST ME if i came home one day and he screamed about the dog *** in the yard or my dunkin donuts usage on my credit card i would CRY with HAPPINESS!!!! It's a 50/50 thing my dears and I feel I have tried, been trying, never stopped, till now.
FYI the "insane contract" is from a famous blogger mom/wife/business woman who started Project 52. GOOGLE IT!
I will agree that the honeymoon stage was extended for us multile times. We traveled a lot on vacation we would be fine, then when we got home a few weeks later things would fizzle, same with buying the house, getting engaged, married etc.
If you are saying you had the be the one to more or less run the whole show with essential non sexual issues, you also did not get married to have a silent partner. You also didn't get married with the intention of marrying somebody who needs a fire lit under him.
Thank You! Sometimes I feel like he knew what he was getting but I didn't. He has made excuses and now that there is no Hooplah going on I am seeing, the reason he had were excuses to keep me at bay for the time being and that this might be who he really is.
Let me just say also, many woman would be totally content in my shoes. A beautiful home, finacial security, a responsible hard working man. But for me I need him to be a loving, affectionate husband. I came from nothing growing up, the white picket fence, princess wedding, two kids, pention and retirement fund were never in dreams. I pictured life traveling, exploring, LIVING, passion with the love of my life. Don't get me wrong this was my husband and I. I am now a wife and a home owner and business woman, there are reasons and resposibilites that keep us from doing those things now but when did life get so damn serious that laughing and joking and cuddleing is no longer a priority.
HAS ANYONE ELSE READING THIS HAD THESE ISSUES?
(the pension is now a thing of the past, like fins on cars and tuck and roll upholstery)
My xH used to do these things. if it was something HE wanted, like a second honeymoon to Key West or a trip here or there or something else, hey, he was down for it 100%.
But when it came to a vital issue: I had to be the one to bring it up, discuss it...and keep the discussion going.
Otherwise he'd let the ball drop. There'd be dead silence about the topic again unless I wanted to take the floor and continue the discussion. Who acts like this, really? Man up and do YOUR 100% when it comes to the topic and plans at hand.
Here's the deal: I don't know how you can get him to be a 100% husband and partner when it comes to vital issues. Maybe it isn't likely he will ever be the kind to keep the ball rolling and you'll have to keep it going. Trust me, this is not a great way to live.
What's going to happen if you want to TTC? or if you want to adopt kids? or buy a home? or invest in something for your futures? or when it comes to make a very major purchase or when it is time to make any major decision that will affect the both of you?
You're going to have to keep the flame burning? Take it from me: it's annoying ---and personally, I think the xH was avoiding responsibility by skirting the issues and not actively taking part in the formation of something major we both wanted to do.
I got tired of being the "chairman" of "every committee" very very quickly. And I got tired of beating a dead horse and tired of his inactivity.
I am thinking that this might be another sign that your H checked out of this relationship -- I still say it was over once the sex got flimsy and spotty.
Okay, I am answering just these questions.
What are some solutions? Talk to him, sit down and tell him exactly what you are feeling. Let him know that you are emotionally discounted, that you are struggling with the relationship. Do not hold back. You said in OP he isn't picking up on signs, stop leaving them and be direct. If you want something you need to say, "Hey. I want to do something for X. I want you to do something romantic (or whatever)."
How did someone else handle it? We did counseling after our last lost b/c DH shut down and didn't want to talk about it which made him angry. In turn we became disconnected. So, we meet with a couple that does marriage and grief counseling and talked things out. We've worked on our communication and marriage by trying to put the other person before petty selfishness, stop defending our actions and just listen (harder then it sounds), keep a short list of previous wrongs (once talked about and truly corrected and forgiven you can't bring it up to cause pain) and realized that silence can be destructive. I think people mistake silence for okay, silence is almost worst then fighting b/c it makes people really bitter and angry.
What are some realistic timelines, expectations? You said he has been talking about a medical appointment, I say he could easily make one in a day with the appointment within a week or 2. No reason it has not been done. Following through on counseling, within the month depending on their schedule. Since you are seeing someone they might get you quickly. Seeing up a weekly date night, this weekend.
Tips on how to communicate without causing him to shut down or hurt him.
Try not to make it a battle of wrongs. Focus on how you are feeling, ask him questions and tell him you need the same. How you're feeling might hurt him and you but that is the only way to see where you are and move forward. Being honest is not being mean. He might feel the same way you do. It could also open his eyes, he may not realize just how unhappy you are. We often avoid the stark truth to protect the other person but it only hurts you both.
Remember he isn't you and will communicate differently.
Commit to trying with him. If he wants to fight for your marriage and so do you, then commit to it. See where you are in 3 months, then 6 (assuming it is going well). Rebuild the trust and see if you can open yourself up.
Stop worrying about sex, it is not the issue. It is however an indicator of the status of your marriage. You need to trust each other to want and enjoy sex.
With the grief counseling we set up a nightly 15 minutes to talk only about that topic. It was a good way to talk about a topic without it invading every part of our life. It also made the topic less over whelming. Not sure if it would work but maybe you could do the same to talk about desire and plans. You mentioned travel, fun date ideas, hobbies, activities, etc.
If he isn't willing to work on your marriage then you have your answer. His actions will speak for themselves.
You could be in a rut, but it sounds to long to be a rut. I would guess you both settled with the status quo and probably neither are happy about it. Often people get caught up in life and neglect their marriage, it happens. Like you said you focus on the check list but the relationship is not the top priority. Normally this is a short period, like when you have a kids for the first time, then you get things back on track. Cycles are normal, years are not.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
How do you fix it? Ok - here's the only thing I can suggest. Ask him to discuss what is sexually gratifying for HIM, what is sexually gratifying for YOU, and see if you can find common ground and ultimately, satisfy one another.
My husband and I openly discuss our sexuality - our fantasies, our desires, what we would like to try, what we are NOT comfortable with, etc. We are not G-rated and we are not bashful. or too sensitive Don't approach it with "We need to talk." Say "Hey something has been on my mind, and I want to talk it out with you." Tell him the truth about what you're feeling, but ask him what he wants. And try to be open-minded (the first time my husband said he wanted to make me "squirt" I thought "what the what!?!"
). You really have to hash it out.
Good luck to you, I really hope you guys can work this out. But - you're not going to even begin to cross that bridge without a conversation!
Not every woman is capable of this.:) Nice to hear he's gonna try his darndest.:)
Here's the thing - you've been w/ him for 6 years and you've been unhappy for 5. Maybe this IS his "normal". maybe at first he was putting on a show because of it being a new relationship, the thrill of it, wanting to impress you, etc.
But then he basically reverted back to HIS normal. And as such, there may be nothing to fix.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10