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Frustrated at husbands spending habits
My husband and I have been married for 4.5 months now. When we we became engaged which was a little over a year ago I asked him if I could take over his finances to figure out how much rent we could afford (we didn't live together before marriage). I soon realized my husband was clueless when it came to managing his money. He paid bills when he felt like it, sometimes on time some times not. He had a $500 a month truck payment he couldn't afford, school loans, and credit card debt. We were engaged in January with our wedding planned for October and I told him he would be out of debt by then. He works very hard sometimes putting in 70hr weeks and I began working 7 days a week, by our wedding he was almost out of debt and we used some of our wedding money to get him completely out of debt. Now that we are married I manage the bills and maintain a budget. Fast forward 4.5 months and my husband is trying to drag me back into his debt cycle.
My laptop died but I had put aside money for a new one because I am a student and need one. My grandparents offered me their new-used desktop because they couldn't figure it out, I gladly accepted the generous gift. My husband had been begging me for an Ipad, I offered him the money I had saved but asked him for more time before he purchased it to save up a little more because he wanted the bigger Ipad. He went behind my back to get the Ipad. I got the credit card he put the Ipad on paid off on time but not without making sacrifices. I have to eat gluten free, I sacrificed gluten free food (which is expensive) I normally buy to save the extra money to pay off the credit card. My husband has had his Ipad for a month now, and in the past couple days has said he wants sabres tickets, a new ps3 game and there was another expensive item. He also spent $100 this month on fast food! Which I think is disgusting.
I am soooo frustrated, I don't shop for clothes, I don't buy the special food I want, I don't get my hair or nails done. I am a full time grad student who works 6 days a week to afford my husband. I recently told him I am allowing him $25 a month to spend on non grocery food, but when I raise my concerns to him and show him we are in the red and I have had to use the house savings (money we set aside for a house, another want) to pay bills I just get an emotionless ok.
I feel marriage is about sacrifice and compromise but I feel that I am the only one sacrificing and compromising. I would like advice on how to get my husband more interested in the finances, and understanding the value of living debt free (he likes to brag to his friends and brother he is debt free, but all the responsibility of keeping him out of debt falls on me but I am no magician).
Re: Frustrated at husbands spending habits
Have you ever asked him why he does these things? Has he seen a spread sheet? You need to tell him how much it hurt you & how decieptful it was for him to buy the ipad behind your back.
People have very different relationships with money & when they don't mesh, it can be very frustrating.
When we got married DH couldn't understand why I was so freaked out & convinced we were going broke when the e-fund dwindled to 6 months. It had been a year but my business was struggling & I had to get rid of some of his high cost debt. My "broke state" represented more money than he'd ever had. It was an adjustment.
You can't expect him to change over night. You need to be a bit more forgiving about some debt . . . meaning you have to come off your straight cash only buying habits but he needs to be more responsible. By that I mean you shoudl have bought your glutten free food because your health is the most important thing. Yes, your way is "better" but if you demand that he change, he will . . . into a single / divorced man. You have to find a way to educate him -- not yell or scold -- or this will ruin your marriage.
You are coming across as confrontational. Most people when attacked will shut down (which is there the emotionless ok comes from). Your concerns are valid and need to be addressing. The two of you need to sit down and have a frank talk at a point where neither of you is exhausted from your long work weeks. I would show him this correspondence and ask him when a good time to discuss money would be.
Communicating about money and working towards common money goals is one of the biggest challenges in marriage. Each person needs some fun money and you need to agree on what items should come out of fun money. If the fast food is his lunch (we all should have lunch) it should not be paid from fun money. I also separately budget for hair cuts and clothing so that it is not coming out of fun money.
This is complicated. He's had his habits all his life and no one has ever expected him to act responsibly. Expecting him to suddenly grow up (and bailing him out every time he is stupid with his money) isn't going to magically get him there.
1) he has to WANT to grow up around money
2) he has to be taught how to get there
You sound really angry (and I would be too, but I wouldn't marry someone who acted like a child and bail them out, so you partly put yourself here). You need to talk to him about this and make a plan together, but aim for being as unjudgemental as possible. It's hard, I know. But read books (the Ramsey books are a great place to start). Pick the plan that is reasonable and then hold each other accountable. This will probably take a long time to change so be patient and prepared for him to make stupid mistakes!
We've done a lot of what you and your husband did except the fun money. I love that idea because I could put cash in an envelope for him each month and he can make the choice to buy fast food, buy a new video game or save it for something bigger. Thanks!
@MrNibbles
This.