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A snake in the nest...
Let me give a little background info first: My husband and I have been married for four years, we have a child together, and like every couple we have had our ups and downs. We tend to communicate very openly and do not keep things from each other. I can be a very jealous person, my I have always trusted my husband.
Recently, hubby reconnected with an old flame on Facebook. They were together for 5 years, and were each other's "first." He is looking for connections to his past, like friends from high school and he happened to stumble across her page. They have been talking online for several days and started text messaging thereafter. Last week she called his cell around 1am to talk about some problem she is having. I thought that was really inappropriate, after all, if I were a single a woman I would not be calling a married man late at night.
After that, I told him I was not comfortable with this and he informed her not to call so late. He then put a password lock on his cell phone. A few days went by and she actually sent me a friend request on FB. I was flabbergasted, hubby said that it would be "great" if we could all be friends. He wants to set up a meeting date with her. I told him I would try to come around to the idea. I do trust my husband, I have never been given any reason not to, he has always been forthcoming about things.
Today, I found that he has been drawing portraits of this other woman, he had photographs of her that he was drawing from. When I approached him about it, he got upset that I had invaded his privacy. He said that she requested he draw the picture for her FB profile. We had an explosive argument about her presence in our lives. Now, I feel terrible. I feel as if I am driving him away, that I am not allowing him to have friends.
The biggest issue for me is that I do not know anything about her aside from the fact that he was ready to marry her when life separated them, and he went through a terrible depression following the split. He keeps journals, and has allowed me to read them in the past so I know his side of the story; that he was madly in love with her and he did not want to split up. I don't know her side of the story, if she harbors some emotion for him, if she is trying to rekindle the old flame, I don't know if she is trying to threaten our lives here.
And all of that is beginning to wear me down.
What do you think? Am I just being a jealous and neurotic woman? Would you be okay with your husbands behaving like this? What should I do? I don't want to tell him not to be friends with her, but I also don't want it to be a negative force driven between us. I feel like a crazy person.
Help.
Re: A snake in the nest...
Very inappropriate. She was dead wrong.
The second she called at that hour, why did he even get the phone???
And the second she stated the nature of her call he shold have said "Mary, sorry: I can't discuss this with you; it just isn't right. Good luck with your problem getting solved" and ended the conversation.
This friendship with her needs to go. It's passing strange and it is not a friendship. Period.
Why do you keep saying you trust your husband? You clearly don't, or you wouldn't be bothered by his decision to start password protecting his phone (highly suspicious, by the way), and you wouldn't have felt compelled to go snooping in his things.
It sounds like he never got over her. The fact that he had you read his journal entries about her and wants you to be friends with her is weird.
I'm not opposed to people remaining friends with their exes in principle, but nothing about this particular situation would sit right with me. I think he's gaslighting you.
All of this. I don't see your marriage lasting.
It does sound like you have a jealous streak, and a lack of trust. But this is wildly inappropriate. It would be one thing if they simply fell out of love. That's not the case here. He seems really hung up on this woman. I'm sorry.
Assuming he agrees to cut contact with this woman, you really should look into personal/couples counseling to work out your issues. Because with or without this woman, there are some kinks to be worked out in your marriage.
I don't understand why it matters whether she wants to get back together with your husband or not. The problem is his behavior and if he is interested. If he weren't, he'd ignore her, and if he was, he'd talk to her. HIS intentions are a problem not hers. But, look at the facts that you have just posted.
1. He "looks into his past" and just so "happens" to find her on fb and friends her.
2. He puts a lock on his phone so you can't see what he's doing and he never did this before contact with her.
3. He starts making portraits of her.
To be honest, I hate it when woman question whether or not they have jealousy issues when their husbands/boyfriends are giving them reasons to feel threatened. Think about it, do you have any desire to make portraits of you ex and find him on Facebook? From what you have said, I can 100% say that you are not the problem. My husband doesn't do any of this. And, saying something doesn't make you the negative force driving the two of you away. By telling him it is wrong, you are establishing boundaries and showing him how you expect to me treated. RIght now he is driving the two of you apart. Also, you are NOT keeping him from having friends. Why can't he have guy friends? Is this woman the only person he can be friends with? I'm sure he can find 1 other person to be friends with in this world besides her. Don't feel bad.
All of this.
Ok, I can buy everything besides the password lock on the phone and the call at 1:00am. I have a couple of exes who I am good friends with and the same goes for my husband, so I get wanting to be friends and wanting her to be your friend at this time in my life. Of course, our marriage is fairly new and I am not a "life expert".
But putting a password lock at this suspicious time? Did he care about you checking his messages before? You keep saying you are open with each other-but he puts a password lock and accuses you of invading his privacy? Since when are these things private?
Yours is probably a bona fide friendship!
What he is doing is skeevy and wrong.
And so is password locking and so is being secretive.
Get rid of this bum today.
Agreed
Your H is showing you who is more important to him. It ain't you.
TBH you have tried telling him this bothers you and etc and he doesn't care. If I was you I'd throw all his crap in the front yard and get the locks changed.
I love how she wants to be your "friend". She is doing it to watch you and your Hs relationship and make you "think and feel" they are on the up and up.
They are setting the stage for an affair. Your H is probably blind to this but dollars to doughnuts this woman isn't.
I am sorry. Good Luck.
THIS
This is stinky. I am so very sorry! But yeah... ^ This.
Something's gotta give here. His behavior is not suitable for a married man.