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Annoyed with my mother
This really is more of a vent than anything. My mother and I have always had a less than wonderful relationship. As a teenage mother, she left me with her parents or my father. My mother has always been in short term relationships. We moved about 12 times due to her moving us in with a new boyfriend and then they would break up so we would move again. I always thought I had just accepted that. It is what it is. My mother never abused me, she never starved me, she never allowed anybody to hurt me, so I can forgive the rest. Even when she makes everything into something about her.
For example, my wedding day. She accused my MIL of starring at her, my MIL accused my mother of hitting her. My husbands aunt called my mother a f'ing wh*re. Oh this was during the ceremony. At the reception, FIL made a "speech". In his speech he "thanked" most of the people for coming, in those words. My mother slammed her hands on the table and screamed that she was leaving and so was the rest of my family. I yelled at my mother to please sit down, my husband yelled at his father that his speech was inappropriate and that he was mad that becasue of everyone being so immature, this is the wedding day we will have to remember all our life.
It has gotten to the point that when I mentioned to my mother that my husband and I were talking about having children of our own in a few years (I have 1 from previous relationship) she said "I just don't think you need that right now, I mean to have kids with someone with a family like that. They are so trashy. You just really shouldn't have any more children" See how this is escalating?
After all of this, I keep a relationship with my mother because of my brothers (13 year old twins whom my daughter and I adore) and because I do not want my daughter to grow up without having a relationship with my mother. But the part that is really upsetting me happened the other night. My mother lives about 45 mins. from me. She was in my area (3 miles away) to see a family member, she did not call me, she did not stop by to see me, she did not send me a text message, nothing. I am so irritated. You were 3 miles from my house and couldn't stop in to see me?! I am so tired of being the only one that tries to keep the relationship going. How much longer do I keep trying before I just give up on it??
Sorry just needed to vent a little
Re: Annoyed with my mother
Do you want your DD to have a relationship w/ the woman your mom actually IS, or do you want her to have a relationship w/ the idea of who you wish your mom was?
You're not going to change your mom. You can only change yourself/ your expectations. That's where you need to start, and once you get to a point where you can fully accept that this IS your mom - then make choices on what kind of effort you're willing to put into her and whether you really want your DD to have a close relationship with her or not.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think you need to accept that your mother couldn't give you what you really needed as a child and even now as an adult. Like ECB, you can't change who she is, you can only change how you react to her and your own expectations.
I think you need to accept her for who she is and what she might bring to a relationship with your own child, instead of projecting what you want her to be and what kind of relationship you want her to have with your child. If you expect her to be something she is not, you will always end up being the one who is disappointed.
I think the prior posters have given you some good things to think about.
I am truly sorry you have had to experience life with a mother like this. FWIW, my mom was born to my grandmother when my grandmother was 16. Because my Mom got some very good counseling advice when she was a teenager (from a father of a friend, not because my grandmother actually provided this), my Mom found the strength to be an excellent adult, and an excellent mother. It sounds like you also have made the best of a bad situation. Good for you.
Don't allow your Mom to wound you any further. If the only relationship you have with her is when YOU reach out to her, then if you feel the need to do this, keep it simple. Don't tell her your plans, don't tell her things that she can throw back at you, keep it to the proverbial weather & non-emotional topics.
If I were you, I'd try to reach out to the 13 y/o brothers to see how they are faring, without involving her. Send emails or call them directly. They may also be having a very hard childhood because of her, and you should make sure they are having their needs, mostly emotional, met. The nightmare you had in your childhood could be repeating itself.
Good luck.
This! And I'd like to add, she stated how her mother is always thinking about herself. That's because she's selfish and it shows she was selfish when you were a child, now as an adult as well. She didn't put your best interest first, she always put herself first.
Your mom sounds very selfish. Something that my therapist used to remind me about dealing with parents is that respect and trust have to be earned. You do not have to go along with her shenanigans. If other people want to indulge her, let them, you can only say your opinion and control what you do and don't let yourself be dissuaded.
Also, as the mother, she needs to make an effort with you. All relationships are a 2-way street. Good luck.
I just wanted to say that I really feel for you. As a person who also has an up and down relationship with my mom, I know how hard it is to be disappointed over the years by their shortcomings. I try to accept my mom, and her flaws (not to say that they don't severely piss me off and disappoint me), because I know she won't be here forever.
I hope you have support of other people in your life at least. Good luck to you and your mom.