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In law help...long
I have a very strained and not good relationship with my ILs. Fortunately, they live a thousand miles away. Ive been with DH about 8 years, and they have said from day 1 they do not like me. They treat myself and DH awful. We had the boundaries talk a few years ago, which helped things a bit. Its tough because DH is an only child.
Now that we are expecting they are pretending like everything is okay. They are suddenly popping up out of the woodwork with texts and emails when we normally have a very limited relationship. Hid dad recently emailed us saying he was "coming to visit", and told us to pick 1 of two weekends he selected. Neither works, we have work functions. So DH wrote that back. He responded saying he shouldn't need to ask to visit, he should just tell us when he is visiting and we cancel plans/work around him. He then listed 2 more weekends in May, which also do not work. We have a retreat one weekend and a friends surprise party out of town another.
Anyone else, I would email WHY we are busy and offer some solutions. Given our awful relationship, I do not want to find a solution and it makes me feel equally as bad as if they came for a visit. I do not want them to visit until the shower in June/July or when the baby comes. I truly hate them. Ive never been so angry about two people in my life. They make me feel stressed, unhappy and put a strain on our marriage.
Are DH and I awful if we respond and just say those weekends do not work for us and they will need to wait for an invitation from us to visit when we know we are free? Anyone else I would never do this to...but with the baby coming DH wants to set up clear boundaries...and I do too, but I feel super guilty because this is not who I normally am.
WDYT?
Re: In law help...long
First of all, if they treated you awfully in the past, having a baby does not change that, and I would be pissed, as you are, that they are now trying to be involved.
Second, you are not required to change your schedules in order for them to visit. They are stepping out of line by telling you that they should not need an invitation. Obviously, they know how rough your relationship with them has been, and just popping in is not a good thing. You have every right to say, "Hey, we are busy, but what about this weekend instead?" Or, just say, "Our schedule is really booked right up until the shower. How about you come visit then?"
This is your life, and your baby, you get to make the rules!
His parents, his final decision. He needs to decide how involved/in contact he wants his parents. To an extent, they are the grandparents and he may want his child to have some sort of relationship with them. But I feel this is more up to him than anyone else. Even if its terrible for you if he wishes to allow them the opportunity to visit then I would respect that. If he doesn't, then don't have them visit. Your fil is wrong-he should not expect any weekend to work and for you to cancel your plans. That's ridiculous. If your DH doesn't care for your child to have a relationship then move forward that way. But you need to remember that you aren't the only one involved anymore-your child is as well and their relationship with their grandparents is dictated by you. We often have to do things that are best for our children even when we hate it, like allow them to see grandparents when we don't care to see them ourselves.
This.
GP buddy to blenderdance
All of this, 100%.
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