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Relationship heading to marriage...but have concerns?!
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years and have been living together for 6 months..we have talked about marriage in the near future however there are certain characteristics that my boyfriend has which I can not seem to get over.
we come from very different backgrounds in how we were raised, our morals, beliefs and how we each show and share our emotions...his family is Muslim and my family is catholic...his family is first generation from Pakistan
I love my boyfriend because of his drive, passion and determination to be successful in his career...however I feel like he can not support me in my career path because he thinks my job is not equal to his or i because i dont make enough money as him...iI feel like he thinks domestic work is only for women, a simple example I can think of - I asked him to help make the bed after I had washed the sheets and he made such a big deal about it...it seems like he is always putting up a fight when I ask for the simplest of help like he thinks he is better than everyone else and he has no responsibility to do the dishes or llaundry
I don't want to vent but need some advice on how I am feeling
Re: Relationship heading to marriage...but have concerns?!
Have you talked to him about these issues?
Not being treated as an equal partner in work and at home would be a dealbreaker for me. Is it for you? Tell him what upsets you and why, and if these things are dealbreakers. If he sees that it is enough for you to decide you can't spend your life with him, he may change his ways. If he knows this and does not change, then you know that you haven't found what you need in a husband yet, and it's time to break it off.
GL!
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussThat would not fly for me. It's tough because this is part of his culture, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. If you can't imagine spending the rest of your life like this - not being treated as an equal partner, being a house maid, etc - then you can't marry him.
You could try talking to him about your concerns, but his attitude sounds innate. It's his culture, it's how he was raised. I doubt he will change.
To me, this comes down to you two being incompatible.
I have a lot of experience with the muslim cultures from Saudi Arabia, Morocco, and USA through work, my family, and friends.
I can honestly tell you, you can try to talk with him about this stuff, but he will probably not change. If you decide to marry him, go into it knowing that he will NEVER EVER help you with anything around the house. If you have a long day at work, he will not lift a finger to make house stuff easier. If you can handle this, then marry him. If not, don't. I suggest getting a maid to come to the house. In the muslim world, it's normal for woman to have cleaning staff paid for by husbands.
Here are some other things you may want to discuss with him before you marry him...
1. Religion for the kids
2. How you will raise kids especially if you have a daughter. Typically daughters are treated differently than sons. Will she be able to date? Will she be able to do the same things as her brother ect...
3. If there is a conflict with his family, will he defend you or stand by what they say?
Honestly, it CAN work, but you need to get a book on the Pakistani culture and muslim religion so that you know what you might have to deal with as a couple in the future and know what to talk over before you say "I do."
People who are very religious tend to follow it as best they can. Muslim culture is extremely about the woman taking care of the household and the man providing the discipline and the bread winner, to be honest I think it is way more so than Catholicism.
You have been with him for 3 years, you should know how religious he is. I mean though if he picks and chooses what he wants to follow in his religion.. I would say for you to talk to him about compromising with the household things before you marry then.. but if he is devote then expect it to be this way forever.
Other than that, I would hold off on marriage for at least 6 more months.. at least. Just so you know what you are getting yourself into when you live with him. When you first live with someone, it takes at least a year for the other to be really comfortable with you... and then you will see true colors and you can decide if you like it or not.
This is a highly cultural issue...and a heck of a quandry.
The men tend to be very old school. This is all wrapped up in culture, what is acceptable to their culture, their religion and also rules men put down over the years.
The women are old school, also: they "do their duty" and that's that.
You are already in disagreement about very key factors. Bear that in mind.
If you are serious about marriage:
Speak to your respective clerics --- religion is a very touchy topic and one that couples will smash heads over.
You need extensive counseling with a Catholic cleric and an imam. Remember: your relationship is already an interfaith relationship and once you get married, thigs will be set in stone.
You need to thoroughly discuss how you will celebrate respective holidays and holy days -- and you need to discuss how they will be celebrated once you're married -- and you need to discuss what religion or religions your kids will be. You may decide to raise one as Catholic and one as Muslim. Or you may let them "decide" later on which one to chose.
You may decide to not raise them in either religion.
All of this needs to be decided BEFORE you get engaged, IMO.
If you are not on the bus with his sexist views, it's best you say goodbye now. This will be a tough nut to crack and change --- you may not be able to get him to change his views at all.
I don't know if either one of you is religious but even if you are not, this is a key key issue.
I wouldn't be able to get over this stuff either. I want to be equal partners in marriage. I think it's very important for my husband to support my career and ambitions, and to do his share around the house. Not only is that how I believe that I deserve to be treated, it's also the kind of role model I want my husband to be for our children. It's ultimately up to you what kind of home and family life you want, but personally, I would not find life with that sort of man appealing. I'm sure he has a great many other good qualities or this wouldn't be a difficult decision, but I promise there are so many other wonderful men out there who have great qualities including drive and passion, but will also treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Interfaith and intercultural relationships are really difficult, and what you are experiencing is the reason why. I think it's easy enough to fall in love with someone from a very different background, but actually sharing a home, family, and life together is much more difficult because you come at it with very different values and ideas about how things "should" be. These are the sort of things that I don't think anyone should have to compromise on, but that's only possible if you marry someone relatively similar to yourself.
YOu and he need to discuss marriage for a good chunk of time before you decide to get engaged. And take my advice: make sure that the discussions result in solutions that you find 100% acceptable to you.
You are looking for a partner that supports your dreams and your goals. You want somebody who will stand behind you 100%; guys from this type of background generally don't go in for that sort of understanding.
He is not the person for you. None of this is going to change once you get married.
There are men out there who are driven and passionate, like your boyfriend, but who will also respect your drive and passion AND pull their weight around the house. You will be much happier with one of them.
The choice is yours, of course, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you should not marry this man. If his attitude bothers you now (and it clearly does) it's only going to get worse as time goes on. You need to think about what day-to-day life is going to be like with this guy... You're going to get home from work exhausted every day, and be expected to take care of all or most of the housework. And on top of that, your husband will not be supportive or take a particular interest in your career because he doesn't view your job to be on the same level as is. You are not his equal. Over time, this is going to wear you down. Is that the life you want to tie yourself down to now?
And worse, think of the example this will set for your future children. Do you want you son to grow up believing that a woman is best suited for housework? Or your daughter to grow up believing that homemaker is all she should be?
you can give this guy a chance to change, but do not get married unless and until you see some real changes in his attitude and behavior. In other words, him promising to change should not be enough. Honestly, think you're better off cutting your loses and finding a guy who is more naturally suited to equal gender roles. You'll have to do a lot less fighting that way...
I don't know you, but this would NEVER NEVER NEVER be ok with me. Period. Even if I was a stay-at-home-mom it wouldn't fly to have my husband NEVER help with the house in any way or be my partner. What if you have complications with pregnancy and are on bed rest? Does he still expect you to cook/clean for him???
Thinking forward to children? How he would expect his daughters to act would terrify me. I would never put my children though that. This sounds like it goes way beyond 'he won't help me make the bed'.
And who needs a sometime nice guy???? Bullshit.
I truly don't want to sound ignorant of Muslim culture, but isn't having sex before marriage against their religion too. So IF you guys are having sex, well it seems he is only religious when it benefits him. So having sex before marriage = sure he's not that religious. Asking him to help make the bed = how dare you woman.
Really think this through before you decide to marry this guy. The biggest issue to me is what happens if/when you have children. How will he treat your (potential)daughter(s)? Will she be equal to your (potential) son(s)? Will the boys be king of the castle while the girls are the indentured servants? Is this the way you want to raise your kids and the example you want set for them?
I am not judging you or your relationship. I know in many cultures this is the way families work, and everyone is happy in their roles, but you need to ask yourself, can you be happy in this role, and can you put your children into these roles?
I am guessing that it may even get worse when you become his wife.
This whole issue brings out a topic that I feel strongly about. No matter what the issue is (whether its religion, money, behavior, etc), if you are not happy about it you never will be. DO NOT MARRY HIM. Marriage will only make it worse usually. Also, no matter who it is or what the issue is, there is no way you can say "Now that we are married I need to you change." That will strain every aspect of the relationship. If you want something about him to be different, then you should not be talking marriage. Marry someone who you wouldn't change a thing about.
I have a friend who is (stupidly) engaged to her boyfriend of almost 10 years. He does whatever he feels like, whenever, with no regard for her. She stresses constantly about his actions. He goes out and parties with the boys all the time, goes on vacations without her, spends tons of money without discussing it, and pads his own ego all while never complimenting her. I personally believe he put a ring on her finger because he is very competitive and all his friends have gotten married in the past few years, so all he talks about is the ring he bought her (not a thing about her). She always says "he CAN be great, and we had good times in the past, but I wish he wouldn't ......." That is NOT a good foundation to build on, because marriage isn't a magical switch that makes everything hunky-dory. Problems do not go away once you have a ring.
Its ultimately your decision, but this sounds like a bad idea. Some day, sit down by yourself and write out pros and cons of your relationship. BE HONEST. When you write the pros, write good things that happen daily, not "one time he bought me flowers years ago, that was nice." When you write the cons, be truthful about things that hurt you, not "he refused to help me one day but its okay it was no big deal." Do not make excuses. Do not lie to yourself. If you read the list and you can HONESTLY say you are okay with the cons (not "we can work on that later."), then stay with him. But if you do not think you can deal with the cons and the pros are not strong on a regular basis, then do not consider him marriage material.
Ask him how he feels about fidelity. I often find that you get some interesting answers with first generation Middle Eastern muslim men. I'm speaking from experience.
In Islam women are very respected, just in a different way from men... in your marriage you are a team, he is just the team captain.. if this sounds archaic to you and you aren't willing to change then you should probably move on.
Dont head into marriage with even the tiniest of doubts!!! You will be sorry.
Unless you are 100% positive you can live with how he is, DONT DO IT!!!