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Mommy Issues? (Super Long)
I'm a frequent lurker, and this issue has been bothering me, so I thought I might try to get some insight.
My mom. I don't even know where to start. First of all, I don't think she likes me at all. From the comments she's made about me, its like she's never met me. "You'd never be interested in that! You've never had a problem with self-esteem!" Honestly, I think she might be a little bit jealous of me, because even though I work my butt off and take advantage of every single opportunity that comes my way, I'm very conscious of appearances, and work hard to make it appear that things come easily to me (because I have terrible self-esteem and I'm a perfectionist). It's been kind of a defense mechanism, because my mom has never said anything nice about me, and any struggle was a sign of weakness. She's always said that she can just tell me I can't do anything, and its a sure sign that I'll succeed (I suppose in her own way that was being supportive?).
My entire life she's done the things that she needs to do to appear supportive. The most simple example dates back to high school, when she would come to all of my softball games, but then berate me in the car for having to take time to come and watch them. That has continued to today, most notably last summer, when she called me and chewed me out on the biggest day of my entire career, because I was unavailable to her all summer (I was working multiple jobs, which included every weekend) and she wanted me to accompany her and my younger sister on a shopping trip (more about that later), and a number of other issues, which included some outright lies.
She was upset because I don't stay with her when I visit, and instead stay at my grandma's house. One of the biggest reasons for that is nearly every morning, while I am sleeping on the couch, she and my dad have loud discussions about what I did wrong this time, why they are upset with me, etc. She was upset because I don't keep her and my dad "in the loop" because they refuse to text, e-mail, facebook, basically communicate in any way other than by phone calls (and she calls very little- the only time she would call this summer was about that shopping trip). Honestly, working multiple jobs and having a family, awkward phone calls that basically go "what do you want?" are not on the top of my priority list.
One of the biggest things that I am dealing with is a constant comparison to my youngest sister and brother. I am thirty years old, I'm married, I have two children, I own my own home, my husband and I have a successful business, we are active in our community, I'm doing pretty darn good for myself. My sister is in high school, and my mom is constantly making comments about her being "the pretty one, the smart one, the talented one," and forever putting me and my other sister (who is currently completing her masters and doing very well) in competition with her. I am 30 years old. I do not need to be in competition with a teenager. My sister is spoiled beyond belief. I love her, but when she is with my mom, I can't stand her. On a girl's trip with my ILs, she actually cried in the middle of the shopping mall because my mom wouldn't buy her something that she wanted. It's hard to swallow some of those old memories of being teased all the way through school for wearing the same three pairs of hand-me-down jeans in a rotation, while my sister is constantly getting new clothes and my mom is bugging me about taking her on a shopping trip for a new expensive dress or something. Jealousy is not a great emotion, and I don't want to be jealous, but I struggle so much when it seems like that is my mom's main motivation when we get together. Both my parents consider me the mess-up, for no reason. My brother is at the same college I attended and is joining the fraternity I was affiliated with when I was there (I was a female member). When I was there, it was a den of drinking and sin, but they are all for him to join, because "it will be a great structured environment for him, he's not like you."
It took her over a year to call my oldest son by his correct name. I saw her at a funeral the other day and the first thing she shouts across the room is "Your dad is mad at you! Why didn't you bring your toddler to a funeral?" I was recently diagnosed with with a chronic pain disorder. I was explaining some symptoms and things to my dad and she said "oh, I feel like that all the time. No big deal." Mom. I'm 30 and I can't sleep at night because I hurt so badly, and there is no cure, and the treatments aren't reliable. Maybe a little bit of sympathy wouldn't hurt? She's never once called to follow up after a doctor's appointment, and didn't call me on my birthday last year, but my parents pretty much have a contest on their birthdays on who calls them first (oh! you're the number three child today!), and heaven help if I don't call to check in when they have some sort of health issue.
I can't stand her to visit and comment on my house, my kid, pit my sister against me (her favorite line is "don't tell your sister!"), and she constantly puts down her ILs, who have been some of the most influential people in my life. She's so negative and gossipy. I am literally a mess when I come home from visiting them. My husband and I fight, I feel terrible about myself and I am so frustrated.
But in all of this, I don't feel that it is to the point where I can cut her out of my life. She's toxic, but I still feel like it could be worse. I feel overly dramatic, and she's yelled at me that "enough of her family has quit speaking to her, I don't need you to do it too."
Cookies for making it through this! I guess I don't have a specific question, other than when do you say "enough is enough" and when do you stick it out for the good other other people in your life, like my kids and my dad?
Re: Mommy Issues? (Super Long)
My mother treated me and my sister like second class citizens, my one brother like the second coming and my youngest brother like he did not exist. She even told a waitress that if she had it do to over again she would have had all boys! My sister and I and our girls (her only grandchildren at the time were sitting at the same table.
You can't change her, she will not change, you have to change your perspective. I did and I am a lot happier. Oh and I never call or see her but once or twice a year
I agree: cut her out --- and get therapy so you can come to terms with all the meanness and other garbage you've been exposed to.
I agree with all of this. Try counseling and see what they suggest. The relationship to your spouse is the most important. What has DH suggested? Have you expressed this to your mother or given her an ultimatum? She sounds very emotionally abusive. I would love her from afar for now, but speak to a professional ASAP on what they suggest.
You've had very good advice above.
You may think it's not toxic enough to cut your parents out of your life, and the life of your husband and children, but I disagree. You have had YEARS of emotional abuse, which has left you justifying all the good things you have accomplished and the success you have made of your life. NO ONE has the right to make you feel that way, ESPECIALLY a mother. I'm sure you are struggling with the issue of cutting her out of your life, however, the only way to heal a wound is to remove the offending source of the wound. If you had shoes that were giving you blisters every time you wore them, and you wore them often, and the blisters lasted for weeks, would you continue to wear them? Put them on and continue to rub raw the same area of your foot? I'm not trying to simplify the difficult relationship between a mother and daughter, but to me it's common sense.
I've had counseling several times in my life. However, it was never about mother issues, because I have a wonderful mother. I can't recommend it enough. If you can't afford it due to whatever health insurance you have, there are many non-profit and community organizations that offer reduced price in a sliding scale.
Once you make the decision to end your relationship with your mother, I'd not answer her calls, or allow her into your lives until you are in a situation to confront her. I doubt it's a coincidence that she's had so many other family members cut her out of their lives. She sounds like a real piece of work.
Good luck with your journey. I am sorry you have to deal with this.
I had an abusive boyfriend who was always going on how everyone always left him and he would die if I did.
People here helped me leave him. He's alive. And, horribly, married.