Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Trust Issues
I have been married to my husband for approximately 20 years. I have suspected he has not been competely honest with me for sometime. (years) I finally placed my pets GPS for collar in his vehicle and have found that he has been leaving home as if he was on his way to work. He has never really disclosed what time his shift really starts.......but using the GPS have found that he goes to another location and is there for 31/2 to 4 hours prior to going to work and drinks. I have also found that during the week that I was tracking his whereabouts, he was leaving work around 8:30 - 9:00 pm. This departure occurs after he calls me in the evening and I specifically ask him questions and he answers that its a heavy night, couple of people short, going to be a long night at work. He then sits at a bar until after 1 am. His shift, from what I am learning with GPS starts at 4 and should end around midnight. My assumption is he uses his PDA's (personal day allotment) because his paychecks have been consistent. My issue is that I have been left to take care of everything at home.....finances, repairs, etc. He has always used the excuse that due to his job he is unable to take care of things. I have confronted him in the past about his drinking, especially when driving, and his emotional detachment from family. I am beside myself and don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
Re: Trust Issues
I am very impressed with the using of the pet GPS. Very impressed.
Have you confronted him on the knowledge that you have? Where is he going before work? Another persons house or a bar?
The drinking and driving would be marriage dealbreaker for me. He could kill himself or even worse someone else. It also sets you up to lose everything you have with a lawsuit. He is putting everyone's life at risk with his behavior and that is unacceptable.
He has a drinking problem regardless and you have to come to grips with that and the fact he lies to you. Daily.
Counsling for you and kick his ass out. Maybe he will learn not to lie and tell the truth.
Clearly you need to talk to him. It sounds like counseling is in order. I'd also strongly urge you to go to Al-Anon. It's for friends/family of people with alcoholism. Even if he isn't admitting it or dealing with it, you can start taking care of yourself.
Good luck.
I have not confronted him with the information that I have......yet. After learning his habits, I am so beside myself that I am not sure how I am going to approach the conversation. But unfortunately, I cannot look at him as a husband but as a stranger living in my house. Its an odd feeling. You did hit on a subject that I have repeated to him in prior arguments...... the possiblity of injuring someone else and the liability. His behavior will take the family down financially. He has had 2 previous dui's and I have always wondered if it was my responsibility as a wife to stand by his side because of his "disease". I don't think I am a good candidate for the job. It has already taken its toll on us emotionally.
As far as kicking him out......he has the upperhand at the moment. I had to quit my job last year to take care of my father who had a couple of strokes and an amputation of leg. I am currently working on getting my certification back (accounting) so I can join the workforce again. I am using this situation as motivation to complete the pre-exam courses.........with the understanding that I will be responsible for myself and my kids financially, (although kids are older, they still need a financial boost here and there)
He is sitting at a dead end road for 3 1/2 to 4 hours. When he does call me, I have detected slurred speech. I have told him in the past I know when he drinks because the facial muscles change and his speech is affected. He thinks he covers the smell of beer up with spearmint gum. I have coined a new word called beermint. You cannot disquise the smell of beer.
I had a boss who got fired for this very thing! He'd tell us "I'm heading over to our other building" and he was going home for nooners. His boss follwed him and that's how he got caught. Fool.
He could be going to the public library at this point: LEAVE him because he is drinking.
Anybody who drinks at that hour and specifically engages in drinking and probably lots of it has an alcohol problem.
He can't keep this ruse going that he's reporting to work. He will get fired, unless his boss is completely oblivious. He'll eventually use up all his PDAs.
Please get yourself to AlAnon. And do it today --- find a meeting near you -- and if youcan't find AlAnon, go to an AA meeting and speak to a sponsor that is there -- bounce this entire problem off him or her. You'll get the same advice: leave his hide.
And yes...way to go with the GPS! Good work. Cheaper than a private eyeball.
I have not confronted him with the information that I have......yet. After learning his habits, I am so beside myself that I am not sure how I am going to approach the conversation. But unfortunately, I cannot look at him as a husband but as a stranger living in my house. Its an odd feeling. You did hit on a subject that I have repeated to him in prior arguments...... the possiblity of injuring someone else and the liability. His behavior will take the family down financially. He has had 2 previous dui's and I have always wondered if it was my responsibility as a wife to stand by his side because of his "disease". I don't think I am a good candidate for the job. It has already taken its toll on us emotionally.
It isn't your job to enable him. It WOULD be your job to support him in his sober endeavor and that's if he gets clean and sober. That is a very distant possibility.
As far as kicking him out......he has the upperhand at the moment. I had to quit my job last year to take care of my father who had a couple of strokes and an amputation of leg. I am currently working on getting my certification back (accounting) so I can join the workforce again. I am using this situation as motivation to complete the pre-exam courses.........with the understanding that I will be responsible for myself and my kids financially, (although kids are older, they still need a financial boost here and there)
This is a tough situation. You've got a hell of a catch 22 going on and a LOT on your plate. You need to speak to somebody -- AlAnon and a social worker, for your troubles with your ill family member.
I don't even know what to advise you: yes, your H must go if he won't get clean and sober...but the clock is ticking on his job and sooner or later his boss will give him the heave. You don't think they can't smell booze? he also could be hiding a bottle somewhere in the car or God knows where --- I don't want to be the cause for worry but wow, anything can happen here.
The ideal scenario is you saying "I love you but not your drinking. I know that you are and until you are clean and sober, the kids and I are checking out. We will not be in touch with you" and leaving.
Wishing you luck. Please try AlAnon tonight and AA. let us know what happens. And keep safe.
You don't have to stand by him. Always remember life is short and they don't give out medals at the end for wasting yours.
Do what you need to support yourself but at the very least go see a lawyer. I'm telling you he is going to put you in a situation to be sued. See if by slowly getting paperwork in order or whatever you can lessen your part.
At the very very least safeguard your assets and get your financial ducks in a row. Put your money into accounts he cannot access.
He will bankrupt you with his drinking.
He's got to be booted for his drinking but considering what your situation is, I can't give you any advice. I don't know how large of an emergency fund you have but you've mentioned kids and it's not cheap to support yourself and at least one dependent.:(