Family Matters
jo4janet
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
More mother issues
I usually am more of a lurker and don't like to post about family problems, but I need some outside perspective. Last summer I posted on another board about my issues with my mother. Just some background: my mother is what I would call a level 1 hoarder. She hoards papers in her house, there is never anywhere to sit because she always leaves newspapers on her loveseat (she got rid of her couch). Her bathroom is falling apart. There is a hole in the ceiling from a leak that occurred over 15 years ago (I was still living at home). Basically, she is just not a clean person and everyone in my family knows it and we have all said things to her about it, but she refuses to do anything to improve the situation. We have always just let her do whatever she wants in regards to our home lives and have not really set any boundaries with her. That all changed last summer during a bbq at MY house. She brought some food over. The next day I was taking some of her leftovers out of the fridge, went to give some eggplant to DD and I found a dead cockroach at the bottom of the casserole dish. I was so disgusted. I called her (and calmly) let her know. She apologized and I told her that I did not want her to bring food over anymore because I did not feel comfortable after this situation. Fast forward to today. She no longer brings cooked meals to our house, but now she brings fruit. She has been bringing rotten fruit and when I confronted her about this, she started crying and told me I was punishing her and treating her like a child because I tell her not to bring food and that everything she brings is with love for DD. She also compared me to my sister and said that my sister never turned anything down when she brings it over. I was very firm in telling her that she has been bringing rotten fruit, to stop, and she doesn't believe me. She will NOT go to counseling because family members have suggested it and she thinks ppl who say anything to her are materialistic and superficial. I just don't know what to do with her. DH suggested that my 3 siblings and I get together and do an intervention, but my siblings will not do that because they don't want any drama. So, I am left to deal with her on my own. I honestly don't care what she does in her own house at this point because I have to worry about my own family now. I just don't want her bringing it to my house. I need advice on how to get her to stop bringing food (anything that is not sealed in a package). She is NOT listening to me and I told her today that she is blatantly disrespecting me, but she can't see past her own hurt feelings to stop. I am at a loss. If you are still reading, thanks. There is more to the story, but I feel that this is really long and I just wanted to give some kind of background. WWYD???
Re: More mother issues
To me it depends on if you want a relationship with your mother.
Hoarding is a mental illness. You could have handled it better IMO. Why can't you just throw the fruit away after she leaves? Why didn't you just tell her all food is covered at each up coming event? It seems you are spoiling for a fight with her. That's totally fine if you are resentment is a very real emotion and you have every right to feel it. However, you want your siblings to help you and they aren't going to help. You seem very angry at your family.
Like I said it is a mental illness and counseling would do you good. It's hard to watch train wrecks that are family.
She's got mental and/or possible vision and olfactory problems. She needs to see a doc for her own sake, as I've said.
I have no idea how you will get her to a doc or get her to see a mental health specialist.
The possibility also exists that she might be having a drug interaction -- if she is taking meds -- and it's manifesting that way: interfering with her judgement of things.
How about doing an intervention w/ the people who see her on a regular basis? Don't involve your siblings if they aren't as impacted by it as you are. Involve the people who are impacted by it.
But past that - I'm sorry, but to a degree you're inviting problems. It's food. THROW IT OUT. Stop making this a respect issue. She brings it over? Just throw it away.
She has a mental illness - expecting normal behavior from her is only going to do exactly what it's doing - upsetting you and making bigger problems. You're NOT going to get the response from her that you want. Why are you insisting on pursuing it?
I had to look it up, but this quote by Albert Einstein came to mind - "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.". That's YOU in this equation.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
A little harsh, but I see your point and it is a reality check for me. I do feel like I am a hamster running in a wheel. I always throw the food out (not in front of her), but I am also wondering that if I just throw it out and not saying anything, is this just enabling her behavior and allowing her to continue? That is the only reason I keep saying something to her, but it is probably not worth it. I have been thinking about the intervention, as well, but it would be just my family and I because no other family lives out here. Thanks for your reply. It was constructive.
You need to deal w/ the bigger issue at hand. Right now you're just dealing w/ a symptom of it and it's not going to get you anywhere.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If you just don't want to deal with it, ask your mom to bring something else. How about flowers, a centerpiece, or a case of canned soda?
I know this doesn't do anything to solve the major issues, but it does give you a little time and space to figure out what is the best course of action to help your mother.