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Toxic Friends and Relationships with them
I have this pair of friends who are a couple, they've been together for nearly 10 years and married for almost two. My husband and I have been friends with them since high school whenever they first got together, and over the years we'd hang out a lot, go out together, go on mini vacations, etc, and we'd enjoy each others company. My husband and I have both noticed that for the past year or so, their attitudes on everything have changed...they've become very angry, stubborn, selfish, they constantly complain about each other and everything in their lives, they would rather stay home than go out, they bicker at each other constantly even in front of us.... It's making me feel like I don't want to be friends with them anymore because they make everything so awkward. Sometimes I wonder why we even still hang out with them...
Anyway, my birthday is coming up in a few months and my husband and I are planning a weekend Vegas trip. I invited these friends of ours because I am hoping they can have a good time, and let loose, get out of the house, and enjoy a mini vacation. Of course they weren't too excited about the idea for several reasons, but I tried to convince them to come along. Now my husband is telling me that he kind of doesn't want them to go because they'll probably just be downers the whole time. Which I am thinking is a high possibility based on how they've been acting lately.
They still haven't decided if they want to go, but a part of me is kind of hoping they won't just so I don't have to deal with their negativity. But a part of me is hoping they can just relax and have fun like old times. So, I want to know...is there any way I can approach this topic with my friends? I'd feel bad for uninviting them, but If they do decide to come, I'd really like to just lay out that there is to be no arguing, fighting, complaining, etc. Would that be too rude to get involved in their relationship and lifestyle?
My husband and I both genuinely feel that their relationship is toxic, like they can't stand to be with each other, but they can't stand to be without each other sort of thing. When one person is happy, the other finds a reason piss him/her off. We might be hanging out and having a good time, then out of no where, one of them has to drop a nasty comment about the other and change the whole mood. Does anyone else have experiences in dealing with toxic couples? It really is quite irritating.
Thank you for your time.
Re: Toxic Friends and Relationships with them
I personally think it was a mistake inviting them. I don't think they will suddenly change their behavior and attitude, but who knows, maybe they will. If they say they don't want to come, be happy and accept it and don't mention it again.
If they do tag along, I would mention that you guys don't have to do everything together. Have separate time scheduled with just you and your husband and maybe meet them for dinner.
In the future, when they make you uncomfortable with their fighting, tell them that you are not comfortable and leave. Maybe if you guys do it enough, they will watch themselves.
It would be really rude of you to uninvite them, especially since you didn't respect their desire not to go in the first place and kept pushing the trip on them.
I know people like these --- there was this one friend of ours who was fine...until some of us in our group got boyfriends. After that, she got testy and jealous and divisive.
Her behavior worsened when some of us who were dating somebody got engaged and then married.
And worsened more than that when her own boyfriend started to give her problems -- he'd bail on her when she was ill, he'd order one meal and make her eat off his plate, he'd leave her on the shelf, he'd talk down to her, etc.
Sure it's all a jealousy and insecurity thing but who needs it? Friends are supposed to stand behind you and support you in all you do.
Not too long after her behavior became a problem I discontinued my "Friendship" with her. There's just no sense in keeping these kind of people in your life.
I wouldn't uninvite them, but I would tell them we are staying at X hotel and staying these days. If you would like to come, let me know by Y date. Then don't push it any more.
As far as mentioning something about their relationship, this is a really touchy subject. If you are very close friends with them, then maybe saying something like "you guys seem stressed lately, is everything okay?" Or (on the subject of the Vegas trip), "it's nice to sometimes leave all the worries at home and spend some time away together, would you care to join us in having a relaxing weekend?"
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Thanks for the feedback. I am not trying to fix their relationship, my birthday weekend is for my own enjoyment and i would love for them to come have fun with us IF they can control their behavior and not make things uncomfortable...Whether or not they are capable of that is the question. And a part of me does wish I hadn't invited them at all, but I won't uninvite them, that'd just be mean.
There was a time about a year ago where we invited them over for dinner and drinks. We could hear them yelling as they were walking up to our door, and they continued to argue with each other as they walked inside our house, not even saying Hi to us. I admit, I kind of exploded a little because I lashed out at them and said "If you guys are going to argue then take it outside because I don't want it in my house..." and they shut up for a little while. I did feel kind of bad about saying that to them, but I seriously just could not contain myself--it really just got to me.
I am wondering if I was out of line in that instance, and if something similar to that might happen in Vegas if I don't tell them to at least pretend to get along with each other. :-/
We have friends exactly like this. They have been together ten years and are recently got engaged. We used to hang out with them all the time, but it got to be more often that there would be an issue each time we hung out. They would fight, or the guy would get drunk and start saying really inappropriate things. The last straw was when I went on a little day trip with them and thought I was going to die on the ride home. They were screaming at each other while the guy drove, and he clearly wasn't paying attention. I was texting my H the whole time and after that we decided we were done with them. The girl recently asked me why we do not come over anymore and I simply told her we have been busy.
So how do you NOT take them with you to Vegas? You stop talking about it. Do they have anything booked yet? You said they still aren't sure so I assumed they haven't put any money down or anything. I would just stop talking about it and if they dont ask then you are off the hook. But if they say they are going then you are stuck with them. If they even bring it up, then you should probably plan on them coming. Let this be a lesson to you.... Do not invite someone to someone because you feel bad. That was a hard one for me to learn too but you will save yourself a lot of trouble later.
I don't think you should have invited them in the first place but, alas, the Delorean time machine does not exist in real life. Additionally, I don't think you can uninvite them now. As far as your Vegas trip is concerned, assuming they do come, you can't let their crap attitudes impact you.
My best friend since grade school and her now ex-bf were RIDICULOUS. Hated each other but dated for 6 years. She would piss and moan about him, they would fight in public. I simply ignored her, dismissed her, and changed the subject, walked away, etc... whatever I had to do to protect me and my time. You are the master of your domain! You can lessen the impact they have on you by not letting it get to you.
Personally, my friendship was too important to me to end it, despite my friend's shenanigans. So I made a choice to maintain my relationship with her. You have a choice to make about your friends... you wouldn't be out of line to distance yourself.
This sucks. I had a toxic friend that used to demand that I spend time with her. She didn't think to ask me if I was free or if I wanted to hang out. She would just show up on my doorstep when it was convenient for her, and would proceed to unload all of her made up drama on me. She had no sense of boundaries, and tried to dictate when I could see my boyfriend (now husband). I finally had enough when she told me that I had to choose between them. I chose him, and six years later we are happily married.
Sometimes the best thing to do is to take some time apart. Or you could try spending time with them individually. They might just need someone to talk to. As far as Vegas goes, I think you're probably stuck with them if they decide to go. Try to make the best of it.