Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Attend wedding?
So H and I got married last year and had a wedding party of 2 on each side, my sis (MOH), his best friend (BM), his brother (groomsmen), and I asked the BM's gf at the time to be a BM, just to balance things out...I get along wtih this couple pretty well as we've hung out over the years....though I'm not a huge fan of either of the gf. So I had told the gf while she was helping with out with my wedding that if they ever get married, don't feel like you have to ask me to be in yours...so late last year, this couple got engaged and since our wedding in April, we've only seen them twice to hang out...due to their I guess "crazy" schedule.....so recently his friend texted hubby to be in this wedding party (though hes not sure what position yet as he had to talk to his brother whom he rarely communicates with). I was not asked to be in the wedding which if fine by me, because honestly I hate weddings. i didn't even want to go to my own lol. I just have bad experiences with them in the past...I've been to one of my family weddings when I was like 10, I've been to 2 of my ex's family weddings and was pretty much ignored bcuz he was in the wedding party and I wasn't and didnt know his family well. I've also been to 1 of H's friends wedding when we first started dating and didnt know anyone and he kinda ditched me, same for a few of his xmas parties...I stopped going to those, but once we hung out with more people from his work, i was feeling better about going last year...I have pretty bad social anxiety (I'm 30) and have been in thearpy for 3 years in dealing with it..but still have my moments. If i get into uncomfortable situtations I tend to hide out angry in the bathroom ...H has learned over the years to help me in dealing with these..Anyway, so now that this wedding is coming in October, I already know that the only people that I will know at this wedding will be the bride and groom and H of course, but he will be with the wedding party the whole time. As much as these people helped out in our wedding, I am 99% sure that i won't be attending this wedding....I will be alone before the ceremoney (not sure if they are doing the limo thing), during the ceremoney, coctail hour/photos, intro's and who knows where H will be sitting (head table?) I am already panicking in my mind about this and I don't feel guilty about not attending and I've already explained to H that I prob won't be attending and he seemed semi-ok with it for now....am I being a total B*****?? The bridal shower will be another issue.......
Re: Attend wedding?
In the end you have to do what works best for you.
But here's the thing - I feel that if you don't go, the couple may take it personally and they may also think, despite your statements to the contrary, that you didn't go because you're upset they didn't ask you to be in the wedding.
You're also basing some of your stress on a lot of "what ifs". You don't know what their exact plans will be for before the wedding, between the wedding and reception, if there will even be a head table, etc.
Yes, your DH is in the wedding party so yes, there will be times that you're alone. But you may be making it out to be a lot more/worse than it really will be.
Also, your issues w/ weddings specifically actually doesn't have anything to do w/ weddings. It's more about general social events where people were a$$holes/ rude to you. That has nothing to do w/ these events being "weddings" per se. All that stuff could have (and actually has in the case of your DH) happened at ANY social event.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
At my wedding I tried to limit the time the spouses of the bridal party was alone. Luckily the two people who were married, their husbands were like best friends so they hung out together. At the wedding, once dinner was over I made sure that there were free chairs at the tables where spouses would be sitting so the bridal party could join them the rest of the night.
Is bringing a family member or a friend to the ceremony to make that portion an option? Also maybe you can try reception with the goal of showing up late to cocktail hour & then staying through dinner. You can always claim "not feeling well" to ditch out early.
Try to go and make it through dinner, if dinner goes well then tell yourself, ok, it wasn't so bad I'll stay 15 more minutes. If that goes well, give yourself another 15 minutes. You won't be able to get over your discomfort at these types of social events if you don't face them. You can do it!!!!
My husband was a groomsmen in our friends' wedding and I didn't know anyone else. I sat the ceremony alone and we all sat together/danced together during the reception. He wasn't gone the entire night. It was fun!
Perhaps you should wait until you know more about the details... maybe they are doing a first look and plan on having their bridal party sit with their dates. That could be more manageable for you and your anxiety. If in a few months you learn they are spending an hour after the ceremony with pictures and are doing a "head table" then take it from there.
Also, talk to your therapist. Might it do you some good to put yourself out there? Could this be a part of your therapy, putting yourself in what's normally a scary situation and seeing how you cope? Just food for thought!
You got a lot of time to figure this out. I would NOT let the bride and groom know NOW that you don't plan on attending, that could be really insulting to them - "Hey I know you getting married in 8 months but just want to let you know now that I'm not coming." First question they ask is "Why?". If when RSVPs are due and you are really not feeling up to it, decline.
Don't sweat it just yet!
I say you should put yourself out there and try going to this wedding.
My husband has been in numerous weddings, while I knew some people at these weddings, I didn't know everybody. Generally, with each of the weddings he was in, and even our own, the people who had a sig other in the wedding sat together at a table.
Also, think of this, there will most likely be a rehearsal dinner or some sort of gathering prior to the wedding; this will give you a great opportunity to get to know some of the other significant others before the big day. It'd be a great way for you to kind of buddy up with a person, sit next to them during the ceremony, and if you aren't invited on the party bus, you two could possibly drive together from the ceremony to the reception.
Good luck! I know how debilitating social anxiety can be, but don't let it hold you back from living your life and celebrating beautiful moments with your husband.