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Clingy Moms and other things
How do you guys deal with this?
To avoid rambling, I'll keep it short as possible. What do you do when your mothers (read mother and MIL) are unreasonable and have no sense of perspective or right and wrong?
And what do you do if you honestly think that they are not good people? But they are your mothers? What if they always play the victim and have very few people left that will put up with them. What if you fear that one of these mothers will commit suicide like she has often threatened if you and your husband were to cut off even more contact?
Like people said in my other post about my mother (this one is more about my MIL), I need therapy. Luckily I got a reference that I will call up this week. Sometimes I consider deleting my Facebook because my MIL is so darned clingy. Like if you do not call her multiple times a week but rather once a week she will say that you never call her, that everything is all "good riddance mom" and whatnot. And sometimes she cries and sometimes she screams, sometimes she literally sings, yes sings, "I'm going to kill myself". Ugh, just, this is not how adults are supposed to act.
Also, if I would never, never ever leave my *imaginary* kids alone for a day with either of our moms (and my FIL), then why do my husband and myself put up with them?
Re: Clingy Moms and other things
You cut them out of your life, even when they threaten suicide. If she was going to kill herself, she would have done it by now. She has no desire to do so, she just knows that the threat is an effective manipulation tool. If it were so important to her that you were in her life, she could make that happen by being a decent human being, but she chooses not to. Seriously, call her bluff. People who genuinely want to kill themselves don't give anyone a heads up that they're going to do it.
You can just block her- no need to delete your facebook altogether just because she's terrible.
Therapy is definitely a must for you. I would also recommend the books "Why is it Always About You?" and "Trapped in the Mirror".Wait until after you have been in counseling for awhile and then ask yourself these questions.
Also, she isn't going to commit anything but emotional blackmail which seems to be working for her. Next time call her bluff and ask her how she will do it. A gun? Hanging? Please nothing messy!! Lol
Ha! We said the same thing!!
Hahaha!
TTC since September 2012
OP - I grapple with the same questions when it comes to my ILs. Although my MIL has never threatened suicide (thank god because even though she's crazy I don't take that too lightly), her go-to defense mechanism is playing the martyr - she's an awful Mom and all she wants is a good relationship and she just wants us to be happy... meanwhile she alienates me and my husband. You can't win.
I've been learning that it's best to keep your distance... don't answer calls, limit visits, etc. And if/when she plays the victim - "I gotta go." Just don't entertain any of it. My husband has argued with her about her bullsh!t his entire life, I've recently argued with her and we got no where. It's not worth the aggravation.
When you DO have to "put up with them", just ignore it. Change the subject, leave the room. Or leave altogether if it gets that bad. A close-knit relationship with your ILs is not a requirement for a good marriage. As a matter of fact, the more distance I put between me and my ILs, the better my relationship gets.
Yeah...he's on the phone with her right now. I don't know why I asked him when the last time he called his mom was because now he called her and literally almost every single time he calls her she is just a mean, mean person. She's literally trying to get the whole family to move back to where she lives even though we all live on the other side of the country and she doesn't care that we'd all be bored stiff if we moved to where she lives. And she's jealous that we see my parents more now even though we saw her for her birthday back in January AND we lived with her at one point because she begged us to. The first time we tried to move out she almost had a panic attack. 90% of the way she talks is "woe is woe," "aren't I great?", "nobody loves me"....
God, I really need to learn to ignore these things, the guilt trips, the whatever-- I don't want it to ruin our marriage.
There was a point where my husband and I weren't Facebook friends with her back when we were dating. He made it clear to his mom that he didn't think it would be idea...I don't know what happened because now we're both friends with her and she'll obsessively post strings of the same old photos of me and him all in the same day and then the next day she'll post a string of pictures of her other son and then his daughter and her mom and with every picture she'll write something like WOW MY BOY IS SO HANDSOME or MY DARLING LITTLE GIRL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH LOVE MOM (in reference to me) and guys it's so creepy...
my mil is the same way, along with the rest of the family. ive decided for my own sanity to just stay away. they have no boundaries whatsoever. its to the point where FI hasnt dealt with otalked to them in 3 months with the exception of his father, the only normal one. since he decided to distance himself his stress has gone down dramatically, which has brought down the stress level in the house. the only t ime they do call is when they want to start drama.
i realized a long time ago theyll never learn boundaries. especially MIL. she sees absolutely nothing wrong with her behavior. like yours she is woe is me, me me me, dramatic, manipulative and everything else awful. its gotten to the point when she makes me so angry i cant take it so i stay away. shes just not worth it. if she hates me for it, talks about me, whatever...so be it.
i strongly believe she fits the profile of someone with narcassitic.personality disorder, which has in turn rubbed.off on her other children. she.only treats FI badly, because he is the only one who doesnt grovel at her feet
s, she is woe is me, me me me, dramatic,anipulative
cont from.last post...phone is wacky
FI said he has always been the black sheep. ive learned in therapy that the black sheep are usually the children who turn out the best.from a family like this because they arebthe only ones who can see this isnt normal.
ive also learned that its ok to distance yourself from toxic people, regardless of who they are and that you just kinda have to feel sorry for them for believing the way they treat those close to them is acceptable. if you think about it, ita sad really. how lonely they must be
Yeah, I still don't fully understand what narcissistic personality disorder is but it's been brought up in therapy that my MIL is a textbook case of borderline personality disorder.
So after MIL got done "calling out" my husband and my sister in law on Facebook this week for not calling her or answering her phone calls, she decided to share a photo I took of me sitting on the rocks by the water where we live. First she was freaking out that husband wasn't in the picture, and then she also commented that as a mother, "this is not right" and that she was "about to drop dead," as if I was putting my husband in imminent danger by sitting by the water where there was maybe a 3 foot drop. She shared my photo and her comments on her facebook. If she wants people to continue to see how crazy she is, she's doing a fine job. I'm not going to let myself feel bad about this like I've let her do to me in the past. I want to vent to my friends but I won't because there is not point since she'll always be this way and it would just be a waste of time anyway.