Family Matters
gnc0988
member
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what is your take on the MIL situation?
My FI has had a falling out with his family since the end of November. It all started after we got engaged. HIs mother and I were always close, then all of a sudden she LOST HER MIND.
I always knew she was dramatic, but after we got engaged she started being really cold to me, and mean to FI. He has always been the black sheep, can never do anything right, etc etc. Anyway, FI son's mother can be very difficult, and because she wanted more money from him because she didnt have a job at the time she started witholding his son. After 6 years, my FI stood up to her and stop caving to her every demand, knowing eventually she will lose the battle she is trying to fight and cave in (so much back story to this but thats not what this post is about)
So, FI asked his family that if his son called them to be picked up, to have him call his father. ( SS's mom started going thru them because theyll do whatever she says) and they didnt like this. They would undermine FI and do whatever they wanted with his son, including taking him when FI didnt even know. The child would report back to mom and say he hadnt seen his dad while at his grandparents house, not realizing his dad didnt know he was there.
The only person who respected FI's decisions as a parent was his father and would do what he was asked, which was refrain from believing they have the right to make decisions for the child and disregard his fathers wishes. His entire family got bent out of shape...blah blah blah so forth and so on.The entire family participates in the overstepping of boundaries, but the mom is the ringleader.
When I picked up my wedding dress in August, I took it right to my MIL house to show her. I wanted her to be the first one to see it. As I stood there in front of her, in my dress, she told me "you look pretty, but Im not coming to your wedding". When I asked her why, she said it was because she was mad at my FI. After that day, she would ignore me, be mean to me and very short and cold. She called me in December and apoligized to me, saying she wanted her family back...three days later she deleted me off of facebook because again, she was mad at FI.
(I wish I could tell you everything she has done, but we would be here forever)
I was so uncomfortable going to her house after this, because EVERYONE starting treating me weird, that I just stopped going. I told FI about the dress thing like two months later and he was infuriated. He went to his parents house to confront them as his twin played mediator (the twin in the golden child who can do no wrong). He told his mother she is wrong, she needs to mind her business when it comes to his choices on how he wants to raise his son. She started bringing up things that happened in the past, calling him a bad father, etc etc. (All while she is raising her daughters two children who live in her basement because her daughter got remarried and decided she just wanted the kids with her new husband in the home but never says anything about that) FI told his mother if she doesnt change her ways, she wont see him anymore.
and thats exactly what happened.
In a nutshell, MIL is a HUGE narcissist. If you look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she fits the description 1000%. Everything is woe is me, she is entitled, she uses guilt trips and manipulation and feels that she can treat her son however she wants because she is his mother and he CANT leave her.
At this point, FI really has no desire to have a relationship with her. He loves her because its his mother, but wants nothing to do with her, his brother who defends these actions and tells him that he just has to deal with it because "you know how mom is", or his sister. His brother called last week and left a VM saying that he wants the family to get back together and basically told FI that he has some blame in this as well as them. But FI, myself, or anyone else who knows the situation believe his family is wrong and FI had every right to stand up for himself, me, and his son. They will NOT take ownership for the troubles that have caused and do not believe they have crossed boundaries.
We sent wedding invitations last month and FI decided he didnt want to invite his family. I figured it was out of anger and ill keep on him about it (personally, i dont care if they dont come. actually, id prefer they didnt. But thats not my decision) Well, now its coming close to when our venues need final numbers and FI wont budge. Weve talked about it and he feels that if he invites them they are going to think everything is ok again, that he doesnt want to look fake, and his mothers dramatics on the wedding day will piss him off. She has a way of making EVERYTHING about herself. The wedding is a DW so they may not even come anyway
My father told FI he should invite them just to say that he did, and if they dont show then its on them. But why would you invite someone you really dont want there? My dad says he should do the right thing.
I told him that he is chooses not to invite them, then he needs to be prepared to be shunned. That at every social gathering from now on they wont speak to him and will give him dirty looks and there wont even be a chance to even be cordial. If he is ok with that, fine.
But if he does invite them, yes theyll think everything is back to the way it was where they can overstep again, and the only thing he can do about that is just show them that its not that way anymore and keep his distance until they get the hint. By inviting them, at least he can still have a relationship from a distance and social gatherings wont be so awkward.
If this were my situation, Id tell them all to kick rock with no socks, not invite them and be prepared to never see them again. She is an abuser (Narcissistic Personality) thatd id have no problem eliminating from my life. But, its not my decision.
What is your take on this? What would you do? What should he do? My biggest concern is him regretting them not being there later, which he says he wont regret. I know I shouldnt harp on it constantly, but I feel like I have to offer some support. What should my role be in this situation?
Ive offered advice, ive offered reading material about Narcissism, how to deal with difficult people, forums on where he could get advice, weve talked to a counselor about it....I just want to be sure Im doing the right thing to be as supportive but not overbearing about it or seem as if I dont care at all.
I always knew she was dramatic, but after we got engaged she started being really cold to me, and mean to FI. He has always been the black sheep, can never do anything right, etc etc. Anyway, FI son's mother can be very difficult, and because she wanted more money from him because she didnt have a job at the time she started witholding his son. After 6 years, my FI stood up to her and stop caving to her every demand, knowing eventually she will lose the battle she is trying to fight and cave in (so much back story to this but thats not what this post is about)
So, FI asked his family that if his son called them to be picked up, to have him call his father. ( SS's mom started going thru them because theyll do whatever she says) and they didnt like this. They would undermine FI and do whatever they wanted with his son, including taking him when FI didnt even know. The child would report back to mom and say he hadnt seen his dad while at his grandparents house, not realizing his dad didnt know he was there.
The only person who respected FI's decisions as a parent was his father and would do what he was asked, which was refrain from believing they have the right to make decisions for the child and disregard his fathers wishes. His entire family got bent out of shape...blah blah blah so forth and so on.The entire family participates in the overstepping of boundaries, but the mom is the ringleader.
When I picked up my wedding dress in August, I took it right to my MIL house to show her. I wanted her to be the first one to see it. As I stood there in front of her, in my dress, she told me "you look pretty, but Im not coming to your wedding". When I asked her why, she said it was because she was mad at my FI. After that day, she would ignore me, be mean to me and very short and cold. She called me in December and apoligized to me, saying she wanted her family back...three days later she deleted me off of facebook because again, she was mad at FI.
(I wish I could tell you everything she has done, but we would be here forever)
I was so uncomfortable going to her house after this, because EVERYONE starting treating me weird, that I just stopped going. I told FI about the dress thing like two months later and he was infuriated. He went to his parents house to confront them as his twin played mediator (the twin in the golden child who can do no wrong). He told his mother she is wrong, she needs to mind her business when it comes to his choices on how he wants to raise his son. She started bringing up things that happened in the past, calling him a bad father, etc etc. (All while she is raising her daughters two children who live in her basement because her daughter got remarried and decided she just wanted the kids with her new husband in the home but never says anything about that) FI told his mother if she doesnt change her ways, she wont see him anymore.
and thats exactly what happened.
In a nutshell, MIL is a HUGE narcissist. If you look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she fits the description 1000%. Everything is woe is me, she is entitled, she uses guilt trips and manipulation and feels that she can treat her son however she wants because she is his mother and he CANT leave her.
At this point, FI really has no desire to have a relationship with her. He loves her because its his mother, but wants nothing to do with her, his brother who defends these actions and tells him that he just has to deal with it because "you know how mom is", or his sister. His brother called last week and left a VM saying that he wants the family to get back together and basically told FI that he has some blame in this as well as them. But FI, myself, or anyone else who knows the situation believe his family is wrong and FI had every right to stand up for himself, me, and his son. They will NOT take ownership for the troubles that have caused and do not believe they have crossed boundaries.
We sent wedding invitations last month and FI decided he didnt want to invite his family. I figured it was out of anger and ill keep on him about it (personally, i dont care if they dont come. actually, id prefer they didnt. But thats not my decision) Well, now its coming close to when our venues need final numbers and FI wont budge. Weve talked about it and he feels that if he invites them they are going to think everything is ok again, that he doesnt want to look fake, and his mothers dramatics on the wedding day will piss him off. She has a way of making EVERYTHING about herself. The wedding is a DW so they may not even come anyway
My father told FI he should invite them just to say that he did, and if they dont show then its on them. But why would you invite someone you really dont want there? My dad says he should do the right thing.
I told him that he is chooses not to invite them, then he needs to be prepared to be shunned. That at every social gathering from now on they wont speak to him and will give him dirty looks and there wont even be a chance to even be cordial. If he is ok with that, fine.
But if he does invite them, yes theyll think everything is back to the way it was where they can overstep again, and the only thing he can do about that is just show them that its not that way anymore and keep his distance until they get the hint. By inviting them, at least he can still have a relationship from a distance and social gatherings wont be so awkward.
If this were my situation, Id tell them all to kick rock with no socks, not invite them and be prepared to never see them again. She is an abuser (Narcissistic Personality) thatd id have no problem eliminating from my life. But, its not my decision.
What is your take on this? What would you do? What should he do? My biggest concern is him regretting them not being there later, which he says he wont regret. I know I shouldnt harp on it constantly, but I feel like I have to offer some support. What should my role be in this situation?
Ive offered advice, ive offered reading material about Narcissism, how to deal with difficult people, forums on where he could get advice, weve talked to a counselor about it....I just want to be sure Im doing the right thing to be as supportive but not overbearing about it or seem as if I dont care at all.
Re: what is your take on the MIL situation?
I tried for 5 years with a MIL who also has NPD. Follow your FI lead with this and be thankful that HE is cutting them off. I have cut my MIL off and my H has not, he is very close.
I could have written this post so many times and I always "fixed" the problems and issues. Don't do this. You will regret it.
my instinct is the same as PP's, but I wanted to add this:
If your goal is, as you say it is, to be supportive and not overbearing, you may want to change your tone a bit. You and your father telling him what he should do is overbearing and not supportive. You said you've bugged him about it and will keep on him about it - again, not supporting his decision.
If you want to be certain he won't regret his decision, try saying just that, and asking periodically if he's thought any more about it. That way, he gets to make the decision, you aren't pushing for one side or the other, and it sounds like he'll choose not to invite them and you'll never have to deal with his family's crap again.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussOh also people who have NPD always a favorite and a punching bag. This extends to grandchildren sometimes. You aren't married yet but think of the future and if you really want her part of your child's life.
ETA:
Also, the timing of this fit she is having. Get used to it. See any and every big event in your life she will do this. It's all about her 100% of the time. She waited until you had your dress on to tell you she isn't coming. She will take all the joy and happiness out of every life event that should be filled with joy. It will exhaust you and you will break.
I remember when she threw us an engagement party that we absolutely didnt want but she insisted, invited people we told her we had no intention of inviting to our DW, but she did it anyway. The entire party was of her walking around in her party dress, dancing alone on the dancefloor. It was bizzare-o-world in there.
I am very headstrong, NO ONE can break me. But she came so close to breaking me, so I made the decision to not let this determine my happiness and put it behind me. She is a non-factor in my world at this point. She would get me so angry to the point that the words coming out of my mouth....they were horrific. I know there is no point trying to understand her or make a better relationship, with people like this there just is no point in trying.
I am still very angry, but not at what shes done to me. But how my FI feels. I HATE that he has to deal with this nonsense and that he has lost his entire family because of this one person
When I was still involved with all of this, before I made my break I made it more than clear that my children will NOT be around this. I refuse to let them be abused. As far as my step son, theres not much I as a step parent can do. His mother and father have control of that. But I will have control of what my babies are surrounded by, and over my dead body will they be around this abuse.
Im happy that I am fully aware of how dangerous she is now so that when I do have children I can be extremely cautious with her around my kids. Which hopefilly, wont be at all. I watch her with my SS, and my brother and sister in laws kids. She treats the children of the sister terribly who are young teenage boys, making them sleep in the basement with one bed and couch when she has two fully furnished guest rooms and the children of the others like kings and queens, making them extremely dependent on her.
FI even had to stop letting SS sleep over her house, because she would wake him up and make him sleep in bed with her. When he stopped spending the night, she was call hysterical because "she cants sleep because K isnt sleeping with her and she hasnt slept in 7 days". When we tried to explain to her its unhealthy to let a 7 year old sleep in the bed with you and to please not do that, she didnt care. Its to the point where SS doesnt even want to be at our house and immediately asks to go to his grandmas. He is one of the ones who she treats like a king, he sleeps in one of the empty guest rooms and calls it "his room" while the teenage boys who Im sure would love a space of their own are stuck in a basement next to dirty laundry.
We thought he was waking up and crawling into her bed, no, she is waking him up to get into her bed. Like I told FI, thats extremely weird and disturbing, and if the wrong person hears this, its only a matter of time before children services makes a visit.
My father is just old and thinks we FI is just an angry young kid mad at his mom. He is 32. Its funny, because my dad has gotten extremely soft in the last 5 years. Come to him with this situation 7 years ago, he would have cussed up a storm and said dont invite those MF'ers to sh!t.
I have no clue why your family is involved in this. You need to tell them to stop it and its none of their business and be firm.
As for the child in this mess your FI needs to talk to a lawyer.
Why do you want to get involved with such a can of worms? She sounds like a real winner, that woman. And he was right to cut her off.
If you want to marry this guy, I suggest you and he scrap the big wedding you hve planned, eat every single penny of the loss you and he would incur from not having it...and go to an island, far away and only ask about a handful of guests, the people who DO matter to you both.
No way I'd be in touch with any of them, if I were you and him. This is a no win situation, especially if she is a bona fide mental case.
I would follow his lead. It's his family and therefore his choice. He has an obligation to his son, himself, and you. His family has created turmoil in your lives and used their own grandson as a patsy. I'd say your MIL has lost the privelege of being involved in her son and grandson's lives.
This woman will not change. And if your FI can't or won't tolerate her as she is, he is well within his rights to end the relationship.
You can be supportive by being an ear to listen and that's it! Avoid engaging in your MILs nonsense, don't speak bad about her to your FI and SS, and don't try to change his mind.. Just let him know you support whatever decision he makes.
ETA - And call your family TODAY and tell them to butt out! It is nowhere near being their business.
You are lucky he is cutting them out of his life! The only people who think that you shouldn't cut people like this out of your life are the ones who have never had to deal with them. It's EXTREMELY DAMAGING to deal with a mother like this, and he is also doing the right thing for your relationship.
Look, in the classic abusive parent situation, there is always the abuser-but there is also an enabler, who watches silently and legitimizes the actions of the abuser by not contradicting them. His father? Is that.
Ask your dad if he would ever be that type of parent that his mother is. Ask your sister. If they don't butt out, make them read.
His brothers? Has become that silent watcher. Being the golden child and all, he doesn't understand his position.
I know my dad, and I know he is telling my FI to invite them just so he can look good. but I know what he would REALLY do, and my FI knows what my dad would REALLY do....so he isnt listening to him too much.
My sister was making it a habit to call FI and tell him to invite them until I kinda yelled at her and told her it was his choice and to leave him alone. Her husband went thru the same thing with her mother, and she went thru it with him, so i dont understand her position here. After I kinda told her off, she has left it alone.
My dad isnt bugging FI about it, but he does bring it up. At least he doesnt harp on it, he drops it pretty quickly. He doesnt like to get in his childrens business, but still wants to play the "good dad who offers wisdom" roll...so you cant really even be mad at him. But yes, both him and my sister should just leave it alone.
Im an adult, I dont talk to my family about my own problems, why would I drag them into his?
It must be really difficult for your FI to do this, the way we are trained (and probably built) to unconditionally love our mothers. I hope your dad/sis can appreciate that.
Other than, that, looks like you're all set!
Thursday night he went to dinner with a friend who does quite a bit of business with his brothers. The friend told him that FI's twin brother told him that FI said to not trust this friend because he is a snake. Obviously the friend didnt believe it. But it just goes to show you how nasty these people are. They told the friend this to get in closer with him to do business with him, but everytime they do business with him they d!ck him over.
Example- FI's father rented out space to the friend to open a tire business. The friend put in a 5,000 concrete floor and drainage system and pays the father rent every month, but the father still has not turned on the electricity in the space. He tells the guy EVERY month he wont turn it on until the rent is paid (mind you, he has been paying rent to this man for the past 6-8 months with no electricity). I asked the friend why cant he just get it turned on himself? Because the father has so many past due balances on other properties with the electric company, they refuse to turn on services on any of his properties until these debts are paid. FI told friend to cut his losses and stop doing business with these shady people. The friend didnt pay the rent for this past month on time, so the father went a put a lock on the building. This guy has sunk over 10,000 into this space and has nothing to show for it. These are the kind of people they are.
The friend is a really nice guy and gives people way too many chances but finally came to the conclusion he can no longer deal with this family either with the exception of the FI, the only person who does business with him and keeps his word. its just insane how people can be this way!
Another friend lives in one of the fathers houses that he owns with FI's brother....when the father was at his house fixing something, he saw that the tenant had a friend over using his shower. The brother called the friend the next day and raised the rent $100. its absolutely ridiculous.
I could go on and on about how awful this entire family is. Its incredible that my FI turned out to be a decent human being. You know how they say there is always one kid that F's up? Well in this situation its oppisite...in a family of awful people, FI was the one who turned out to be a good person, and thats why im marrying him :-)
Yeah, um, it seems like it's good that he's cutting his dad and brother out too, not a loss...
Yeah, um, it seems like it's good that he's cutting his dad and brother out too, not a loss...