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Supporting a friend after a broken engagement
I was supposed to be the matron of honor in a wedding in June. My friend called me Sunday night to tell me he left her. I spent that night with her, have been calling her everyday and have had her over my house 2 nights this week. She's been panicked and depressed but had got some medication and has made an appointment with her old therapist.
She is obviously a wreck right now and over processing everything, perseverating on where she went wrong, if she brought it on herself...the worst part is he never officially left her. He just said "nothing has to be definitive. I just need space." But has told his friends they broke up.
Im looking for ideas for things I can do for her to help get her mind off things and take care of herself. My first thought was a massage but her work friends already got together and bought her a gift card to a spa. Any other ideas? I am going to plan a weekend away the weekend of the wedding with some friends for her but would like some other ideas of thins I can do for her right now. TIA!
Re: Supporting a friend after a broken engagement
Mostly just listen. Listen to what she says and empathize. Don't try to cheer her up, get her to look on the bright side or give her a pep talk. This is a difficult thing to go through and she needs time to mourn so to speak.
She did not go wrong.
HE did.
Hoping your friend gets closure. That he just took off more or less and didn't even say to her what the official word is, yet he told his friends they broke up. What a rat.
What is cathartic: She can write a "Dear Rat" letter --- DO NOT mail it when it is done -- just to get her anger out --- and make it as long and as vicious and as Technicolor as she wishes.
when she is done with the letter, she can burn it, shred it or do what ever she likes -- anything but send it to him.:)
This in my opinion is a great idea. I do the same thing and it is great for letting out anger. And she will turn out as the better person. She doesn't end up lashing out, regretting the words, or looking like the crazy ex. No one wants to be a crazy ex.
Keep doing exactly what you are doing - be there for her. Let her grieve. Let her be angry and cry and reassure her that even though she may feel broken now, she will be ok. It's unlikely that she'll want to go out and party so maybe have a few very close friends over for wine and chit chat - not necessarily to discuss her situation but to give her some support.
Also, I find a few yoga classes help me feel better when I'm majorly stressed.
Food... and a bottle of wine. If I'm not feeling great, I don't want to have to muster up the give-a-**** to cook anything... which is probably fine since I never get to the grocery store when I'm feeling down, so there's no food to cook anyway. If you don't want to prepare a full on meal, how about snacks like fresh fruit and veggies?
You sound like an amazing friend, she is lucky to have you!!!
As someone who had previously ended an engagement myself (due to finding out my ex was a drug addict, but I had never known!), all I can say is be there and listen. When an engagement ends, no matter who ends it, there's a tremendous sense of loss, which I'm sure you get! It's hard to describe, but it's almost the same kind of pain as if someone very close to you has died. You pictured yourself with your ex forever and felt a certain comfort in that. Also, there's a lot of mourning the "what could have been" scenarios, which I'm sure keep flashing through her mind. Children, homes, shared holidays and families all in the context of being with that person... all of those dreams are dead now. That's tough but...help her not lose sight of what she has NOW. She is definitely going through a grieving process, so honor that, but try as much as possible to keep her focused on all the positives in her life in the here and now.
Just be there, reassure her that love isn't a one-shot deal, if/when she is open to it, she will meet and fall in love again someday and she will likely treasure it even more. Also remind her of how much you and your other friends love her, as a person, all on her own. That is huge. Help her re-discover herself; her own talents and hobbies, and if there's anything new she'd like to explore. And then do those things together with her. Maybe it's running a race together; maybe it's joining a book club. I know my best friend did all of those things with me once I left my ex. It really strengthened our friendship, and she was able to help me see who I was as a person, that I was lovable, good, and could exist on my own, and that I deserved so much better than my ex!
Best wishes to you, again, she is lucky to have you!