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What to do with passive DH and ILs?
I've been reading the many board posts about in-law troubles and gleaned that with the ILs it's the husband's job to handle it, but what can I do if he doesn't?
I went through a colorful in-law experience immediately post-marriage (I could write the whole thing if you guys want a story!) in which my husband should have stuck up for me, but didn't. Honestly, if it had happened prior to marriage I would have seriously reconsidered our life together, but I had no idea. And I did and still do love him. We are great together in every aspect outside of his family.
It's not that he's a momma's boy. When he was a teenager he'd stand up to his mom and sisters, they would cry to his dad, and his dad (who is a wonderful man that we both love) would scold DH. DH loves his dad and will do anything for him. So he stopped standing up to his mom and his sisters and just avoids them whenever, however he can.
He never tells the women of his family anything concrete; it's all ifs and maybe and I-don't-know, I'm-not-sure. SIL (single, 24) invited herself up to stay with us for Easter weekend. DH said I "might, maybe" be working Easter weekend. She said to let her know. I am 100% definitely working all Easter weekend, long hours, and he should have told her it was rude to invite herself up anyway especially since we live 12 hours away and she would be expecting to stay in our house for several days.
I get so paranoid sometimes that they've asked him something and he's given an if-maybe answer and they've taken it as a yes and they'll just show up at our door! And I am not on good terms with them! Why do you want to drive 12 hours to have an awkward hang out with your estranged SIL?
Right now, things are okay. We moved far away for our new jobs, whereas before we lived in town with them. But what happens when a baby enters the picture? We have been talking about having a baby. I will probably be the one to bring the first grandchild in the entire extended family into the mix and things might get crazy.
Do I force my husband to place boundaries? Is it even healthy to do that or would he resent me for that? Or do I have to step up and place the boundaries myself? Is that even appropriate? And it's possible that if I place boundaries myself, my DH might get a call from his dad, saying that I hurt MIL and SILs feelings and DH will probably come down on me for causing a problem (not saying that will happen, but I can see it occurring)
And I'm already a little resentful that he didn't step up for me in the post-wedding aftermath; I would be even more so if I had to do his job addressing his family while he gets out of it scot-free!
With all this said about ILs, they are not bad people, but they are possessive of their son. We got along great before I started dating him, and they are genuinely loving, caring people to everyone who isn't dating their son.
Re: What to do with passive DH and ILs?
Ok, I don't know about every situation you mentioned but I would do this. I would look your husband straight in the eye and say "Look buddy, someone in this situation is going to be upset, so you can either choose to upset your mommy or you can c
TTC since September 2012
Oh and don't worry about "putting him in the middle." There is no middle. When he married you, he promised to stand beside you, so he already made his choice. That is what he meant when he said "To put above all others and let no one
He doesn't respond to the crying and whining himself, it's his dad that does. Before when his family was upset, he completely shut them out; would not talk to his mom or sister. Shut them out, but not shutting them down.&n
YOu're looking at this in absolutes, but there is a HUGE middle ground. Your DH needs to realize that this isn't about "standing up" to his mom or sisters. It's actually about simply being CURTIOUS. If told 'we'd love to come and visi
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
" It's actually about simply being CURTIOUS. "
And you are SO RIGHT! I just asked if he had responded to his sister about Easter weeken
"You find out his sister wants to come on __ weekend and you KNOW that's not a good weekend? SUre, contact her and say "DH told me you all want to
Ok, marriage counseling time. You both need it. The way they all ( including daddy) treat you is unacceptable and I can't fathom why you remained married to this man. I promise you, this marriage will not survive unless you
It seems I must divulge some story. My husband and I were in the midst of wedding plannin
Then as a Christian you have to know that what they want is unbiblical. Your husband is not acting like a Christian husband either by allowing them to treat you like this. I too am a Christian and I know my husband would not tol
Well then again, you have to remind your husband that he has to have strong boundaries with them. Don't be wishy washy and give vague answers. If he doesn't want them at your home, than say "Sorry, that won't work for us."
Does
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Andplusalso - stealing her brother from her?
What the feck kind of twisted flipping family is THAT?!?!?!?
The gay remarks make her sound about 13 years old - inappropriate, fine, but could be chalked up to her being young and possibly in t
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I totally agree with Tofu. I was actually going to post that even considering hosting this person after what she said to you is beyond me. 4 years ago or not, all that nonsense she vomited would have made me (us, as a family) draw the proverbial line.
I actually would suggest INDIVIDUAL counseling for him.
His mom and sisters sound like very toxic people. And his dad, his only protections, sides with them.
He does not know how to deal with them, and his way of dealing with them obviousl
OK, what she said was very hurtful and mean etc., but she has kind of apologized and you think she is sorry. So basically you don't hate her, but you don't like her and you don't really want to entertain her for the weekend.
This is where y