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What to do when you don't agree on in-laws?
It seems like a lot of us have issues with our inlaws, so I thought I'd ask some advice from others who don't get along with their inlaws.
What do you do when you and your DH aren't on the same page on how much you want to see your inlaws?
My issue is that there was a very ugly situation with my DH's family, in which they were in the wrong (and even they admitted it, which was apparently a first, according to my DH). It was made uglier by the fact that I was in hospital having complications with my pregnancy at the time, and they showed no concern or support for me or their own son. It was a very horrible and stressful time.
They eventually apologized to my DH, but they've never mentioned the situation to me or even in front of me, have never apologized to me, and never discuss the fact that I was in hospital and in fear of losing my baby while they were busy being a**holes over nothing. Thankfully, although my son was premature, he was a healthy baby. Now they want to be involved with him.
My problem is that I can't forget what happened, how awful it was, or how crushed my DH and I both were at their behavior. He has "moved on" from it, but I sure haven't, and hate having to pretend like nothing happened. I also can't forgive them, and they haven't apologized anyway, so why would I?
I know I can only control how I handle this situation, so I've decided not to see them very often. But this sucks because I know DH would like to see them more, and I don't want to hurt him. I also don't want DH to take our lovely son to see them without me, because I don't trust them around him.
So...I wish I never had to see them again and I don't think they deserve to see my son. (My feeling is, why should they be allowed to treat me like crap but still get to be close with their grandson?) But DH still wants to see them and wants our son to see them.
What would you do? (Or those who are in a similar situation, what do you do?)
Thanks everyone! (p.s. Before you scold me with "Why did you marry him?", this situation happened after we were married!)
Re: What to do when you don't agree on in-laws?
Best thing I ever did was to send H to see his family by himself.
How far away are your ILs? Can you meet for lunch? I'd try to schedule something with a definite end as opposed to going to somebody's house to hang out for howe
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's easy to let your H just go himself, but I see you don't want you child to see then either. Is this because you feel they are unsafe or because you are still mad about the situation? Have they tried to make amends?
I also think a lot of this
As to what the inlaws did, it's a super long story if I give all the details, but here's the short version:
When DH and I moved in together, he moved into my house. We rented his house to his brother. This was a mistake from the beginning, we los
O.k.... his parents... you're expecting "normal" behavior from people who are clearly NOT normal.
Also, most of their actions and horrid behavior was directed to your DH. That may be why they've only apologized to him and not you
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with ECB. You're never going to get what you want so stop wishing you could. You will make yourself crazy. Sometimes you have to forgive people even when they aren't sorry. Forgive them for your sake, not for theirs.&nbs
Thanks, your perspectives help a lot! I know I need to make peace with things, I'm just really struggling with it. Your comments made me realize that one of the main things that bugs me is how they treat my DH (ongoing, not just that one situation) and
No no NO do NOT leave you son alone with the in-laws! Abused children do not recognize situations as abusive!
Your DH needs counseling. These are very serious matters that can impact his life, his career...
And, actually I am of the opinion
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yeah that lame non-apology is worth zero in my book. Your H might be satisfied with it but, as we've established, he can't see abuse where abuse is occurring.
They have shown to you their manipulative nature and you're aware of their record as ph
With the additional info, no way your son should be alone with them. Given your H's attitude I would also be wary of letting him take your son without you as well. Maybe if the visit were very very short with lots of others around.
It is also cou
Thanks again! My DH and I have gone to counselling together, and I think it did get him questioning his parents' behavior a little. Right now we don't have the money for a counsellor and no free services in our city.
I also found that couns
Abusers are very much about "keeping things in the family". Talking about your relationship with someone outside the dynamic is come down on, HARD. It's usually phrased in twisted normal terms: "This is about our family only", "I don't think that other
Look your H can have a relationship with these people all he wants.
You do not and with all the information shared I would not allow them around my child right now. I completely see your point of fighting to keep him alive in the hospital a
In response to your original question, I would say this: You should not expect an apology, and you also shouldn't let this experience ruin your child's relationship with his grandparents. I could tell you quite the story of family-done-wrong from my ow
Manther, thank you, what you said is so familiar it's almost scary! I don't think my DH can see what has happened as abuse, and it even makes me question if I'm just misinterpreting things. But I don't think I am.
His family is very much li