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1st Anniversary Celebration w/ In-Laws?
Hello Fellow Nesties!
As many posts start off in this forum, I too, have an in-law issue that I am seeking some in-sight about. It seems like different sources yield about 50/50% in support of and also against the following situation:
Our one-year wedding anniversary is coming up in June. My husband and I were conservative with our honeymoon plans so we decided to plan a trip to Ireland and splurge on a nice week away to celebrate our anniversary alone together... We'll be IN Ireland on the actual anniversary date. My in-laws, who live nearby and whom I've had to work continually with on respecting privacy/spacial boundaries over the last 6 years, want to treat us to brunch before we go. I, too, am learning to compromise and things have been much better. Even though this is a foreign concept to me and even though I don't feel it SHOULD be a family affair, I'm accepting of their nice gesture and will be okay having this celebratory brunch with them.
However, while not wanting to come off as controlling or undermining their thoughtfulness, I don't really want our VERY FIRST 1-year Anniversary celebration to be celebrated way before our anniversary and I would prefer our first stab at it be just the two of us, in Ireland. Of the two dates they asked us to join them on, I have commitments. I kindly suggested doing it the weekend after we return from Ireland and explained that we'll be all settled in, we could talk about how our trip went, etc., but it sounds like they are really adiment about doing something before we go.
I'm not one to expect anything, but I have a slight feeling that they may want to present us with some sort of Anniversary gift. Maybe a financial contribution that could be used on the trip? I am only assuming this because they first tried to give us their time share points to go away for the week; we declined as options are limited and we'd be tied down to one place for the whole week. Then they offered to pay for a night in NYC; we also declined because we live so close to NYC and it's not really a celebratory outing or what we planned on doing. My husband is on the same page about the reasoning for declining both. But we also aren't hurting for any sort of financial help beforehand. In addition, I personally feel funny about letting our in-laws "present" us with an anniversary outing when it should be a private event for spouses to...er... "re-connect?" Wouldn't want them fronting the bill for our "romantic" hotel outing. Needless to say, we booked Ireland on our own and we're more than excited! But I still feel strongly about starting the celebration off with my husband, regardless of their reasoning for wanting to celebrate beforehand.
How do I kindly direct them to making plans after we get back? Am I just being ridiculous?
Re: 1st Anniversary Celebration w/ In-Laws?
I feel like since it's a small/quick celebratory bruch that it doesn't really matter when it is. What's the difference if it's before or after your trip? You are still celebrating with them so it's irrelevant when you actually do it.
Plus, they are hosting (and I assume paying) for this get-together so it's kind of their call when they want to do it, with the exception of previously made plans.
I say pick your battles.
Yeah, when I started reading the OP, I figured the IL's were trying to get themselves an invited on the actual trip. Seeing as that's not the case, brunch beforehand doesn't seem like such a big deal...
TTC since June 2012
I'm kind of on the fence about this issue only because it really would depend on the people and whether or not agreeing to this on their terms would set a precedent for future celebrations where you might want to spend it alone with your significant other, but yet it now becomes 'expected of you' to share these celebrations with the in-laws.
My MIL did this exact thing when it came time for my first anniversary, and she is the type of person who a) doesn't accept no for an answer and b) expects that it will be an every year thing. I really have no desire to spend my wedding anniversary with my in-laws - for me, that is a special day I want to spend alone with my H. In the end, we agreed to meet for lunch with my in-laws but I told my H that going forward, I did not want to do this with them every year.
OP, go have brunch with your in-laws, because yes, it IS a nice gesture and they mean no harm, but if in future you prefer to be alone, tell your H that you don't want this to be an every year thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting boundaries, especially if the in-laws are generally intrusive.
So they suggested dates before you leave where you already have commitments. Did you offer any alternatives before you leave? I think you should tell them thanks, but those dates don't work, you'd love to see them before you leave, how about X or Y.
ETA: My Dad gives us anniversary presents every year. Don't read anything into it. Be glad you have generous inlaws. And, enjoy Ireland. We went 2 years ago and had a blast. We were also there for our anniv and spent 2 nights in Dromoland Castle.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Team offer them an alternative day before the trip. My guess is, yes they probably want to give you a gift for use on the trip. While I am on board with your anniversary being about you guys, there is a compromise here. You are doing a fun trip and will celebrate the actual day together. Give the in laws a quick brunch and build up the goodwill.
It is very similar to what happened for our first anniversary, actually. I never expected anyone else to acknowledge our anniversary with a gift, but both our parents did, and the inlaws had a little dinner with us. None of that took away from our private celebration, and it is nice that they care.
I'm here w/ MLE. I think you have underlying issues in your marriage though and you're focusing on the brunch rather than seeing the big picture. Why have you tried to get your in-laws to respect boundaries? Where is your DH? What exactly are YOU doing? Boundaries aren't something that you try on people.You and your DH need to be on the same page.
Perhaps you want to talk about the real issue - not the brunch - that's going on in your marriage?
R. Wilsonny:
I really appreciate your thoughtful insight on the topic. Thank you for your kindness and really seeing the situation from both sides.
I, by no means, am trying to just be a spoiled brat and get MY way and I really think your post addressed some of my concerns for wanting to take the lead in this. My in-laws are VERY involved in their son's life (and yes I do know that I am lucky to have in-laws who actually care as opposed to having in-laws that don't like me or who don't come around); however, sometimes so much so that I have felt like a third wheel in my own marriage.
(Sorry to rant. This will be lengthy as I want to shed some light on a few past issues I've had. *Note: These issues are buried and not discussed as we have all moved on.)
For example: I had planned a fun overnight getaway at a local casino--about 2 1/2 hours away--for my husband and I as we enjoy playing Blackjack together from time-to-time. We had never been so I got us a nice hotel room on the casino grounds. I even used my last vacation day of the year so we could get away together and dodge the crowds. WITHOUT me knowing, he invited his parents to join us for the day (not the overnight part; thank God!) when it hadn't been intended to be a family outing. I only learned this when we were spending his mother's birthday together and his parents brought it up to me...I didn't even hear it from my husband. :-( Having to backpedal was really hard for my husband because I stood my ground and he was left having to explain to them why they were now uninvited. I kind of felt like the bad guy, but I just felt I shouldn't be the one on the outs with my own husband. I do understand, though, that this wasn't my in-laws' fault.
Another example: We live close to his family. My family is all 2,000+ miles away so I don't see them very often. Hence, every holiday, birthday, special event, etc., etc., is spent with this family. Well it's been 2 years since we've spent Christmas with mine so we're planning to fly home this holiday season to celebrate. My in-laws suggested to my husband that they thought of using their timeshare points to get a hotel in Park City during the holiday (my family is all from Utah) and spend Christmas with all of us; SUPER nice gesture to join the families, sure. I get that their intentions aren't bad. BUT... again... I feel like I am unable to get a little space from them. I'm flattered they ALWAYS want to be around us, but those feelings aren't always reciprocated. I feel we need to branch off and be an independent couple sometimes. Just as I married into their family, he married into mine and we should take time to visit with my side one-on-one... Especially since the opportunities are few and far between.
There are also other little things that have made me uncomfortable: buying her son silky sexy underwear for Christmas and watching him open them in front of all of us; joking that she is going to steal our [future] newborn and baptize it Catholic (because my husband and I have decided against it); having conversations with me asking why my family isn't as involved in my life and making me feel like they are neglecting me when I actually appreciate their hands-off approach, allowing me to be independent... To name a few.
So, more on the topic of your response, yes, I also have a mother-in-law who wants to be at our beck and call and be included in EVERYthing. This is her only son, I know. But once a tradition, always a tradition. However, I don't feel that every year OUR anniversary should be shared with parents, though, and I do worry that opening the door will make it difficult to decline in the future. If they want to invite us to celebrate theirs together I will happily do so (and we've done so). I appreciate their commitment and love for us. BUT, I have had to learn to be firm and cautious from previous experiences.
I will heed the advice of fellow Nesties and join for brunch when they would like to treat us. It sounds like--from talking to my husband last night--they do have something to share with us before we go on our trip and I am grateful for their kindness and thoughtfulness so I need to let my guard down a little bit. I just have a slight fear of taking the backseat with them sometimes so my immediate reaction was to take charge.
Again, thanks for your input. I really appreciate it!
All:
Haha! No, no, no, I don't quite have the in-laws who want to be invited on our trips. I am grateful for that. But I could see how my post could have led you all to believe that at first. Then we would have had a REAL problem on our hands.
Thanks for all of your guys' input. Without too much of a back story I probably look like an ungrateful crazy control freak ( and maybe with a backstory I still would, haha, I don't know). When my husband and I came together we came from 2 polar opposite upbringings, two different religions, one from divorced parents and one not, two different levels of parental involvement, two different cultures, two different family structures (one with siblings and one without), etc. We've continually worked on combining our very different lives and I will say my husband and I have a solid and happy relationship. It's been a bit more of a struggle to teach the in-laws about how to compromise our differences, but like I said, we are all happy and have found a pretty common ground with only a few hiccups here and there. This just happened to be a bit of a red flag in my eyes at first, but I do know I can compromise when this is harmless.
Thanks again!
Thanks for coming back and updating. And yes, it does seem that your ILs don't quite know where appropriate lines should be drawn.
You do seem to understand this, and I'm going to reiterate this - a lot of this is more about your DH than your ILs. He's an only child and he's used to being w/ them for everything. This isn't necessarily wrong, but at the same time- he's now married and YOU are his primary family and, well..., as you've pointed out, everything can't be about his parents anymore.
And seriously- good for you for not backing down on that casino trip. I think it taught your DH a big lesson....
I don't think going out to brunch for your anniversary this year means you're signing up for celebrating w/ them every year. Next year, if you're in town and they bring up seeing you - and perhaps ON your anniversary - it will then be time to set another boundary.
Also, we got a lot of cards on our first anniversary. But w/ each proceeding year, that has lessened. Even the 2nd wasn't nearly as recognized as the first.
Their son getting married was a big deal to them, and I can see how they want to acknowledge the first anniversary. But just see how next year goes, and the next, etc. They may, on their own, back off. But if they don't - just make sure that your DH is on the same page that at least ON the anniversary- it's for the 2 of you and the 2 of you only.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You make some great points, EastCoastBride.
I do belive a large part of the issue was my husband allowing things to get out of hand. He and his parents became one unit over the years and they became best friends. It took some time for him to realize just how much I had been hurt and that I needed to feel like his #1 as I place him first in my life. I was absolutely flattered at his response last night, though, when he offered to talk with them about this 1-Year Anniversary get-together. He will be so happy to know that I can be easy-going about it; give and take
:-)
And yes, this year is separate from the years to come so if the invitation arises next year and we would prefer to decline, we will cross that bridge when we get to it. I know that there will be more boundaries to be set with children, too, and I'm prepared to continually work it out with all of them. As far as the anniversary goes, I know they are excited and I could understand why. I do think that allowing them to take part in the celebration will really make them happy!
Yes, this is most definitely about your DH rather than your in-laws. I have to wonder why you married a man who hadn't cut the cord yet.
doglove:
There was a time right after we got married (after the casino trip) where I did worry that this would be a FOREVER-issue with him and his parents. That was kind of my breaking point as I never imagined it would become that big of an issue. I suggested couple's counseling to get a non-biased opinion and to get some help or offered the alternative... Speaking to lawyers. It finally, legitimately, sunk in with him after 6 years of trying to help him understand my point of view.
I live 2,000+ miles away from my home, my family, my friends, my upbringing and as much as this puts added pressure on him, he's got to understand that a big part of why I'm here is him. He makes me happy and for me to continue to be happy and know that being here is worthwhile, I must be able to trust him and feel supported by him (if my requests aren't too far-fetched). Ultimately we must be best friends because I don't have the support here like he does.
I can confidently say that we ARE best friends. And ever since that conversation I couldn't be happier. But now you might be able to see why I am on high alert when mommy and daddy come around because their relationship could have possibly been an end to ours. There has to be a happy-medium; always.
atlcatlover:
Our commitments before we leave are work during the week and I have school on Saturday and Sunday. It is rather busy, but he understood. We are going on our trip after the semester is over when we aren't so bogged down. So no, I only suggested a date after we return. But we'll see what they suggest and go from there. I'm open to being more flexible.
Also, what a small world! We are staying one night in the Dromoland Castle before we come home the next day. We're flying into Dublin and traveling west and ending up in Co. Clare before flying out of Shannon. The grounds of Dromoland, from the pictures and videos, look BEAUTIFUL! I'm sure we're going to want to stay there longer... Do you have any recommendations for us? I did see some activities on the grounds like archery, falconry, etc. We thought archery might be fun...
I honestly don't have any real issues in my marriage. We ALL have our moments and things to work on, but we are legitimately happy! The only real issue I have is when I feel as though anyone is intruding on my space, which is why sometimes I am bothered by his parents always wanting to be involved in OUR relationship. I've kind of always been that way. I was brought up to believe that a marriage is between a man and woman and that it comes first. He was brought up, however, in a very open family structure where parents and even relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) are very involved.
Boundaries have been set and discussed amongst the four of us. I feel this is necessary in order for me to feel respected and hold to my beliefs and preferred upbringing without becoming someone I'm not; however, I love my husband and I respect and love his family and am willing to compromise to make our relationship a happy one. It takes effort and it takes work.
My husband and I weren't always on the same page, no. We lived together and worked on our relationship for 5 years before we got married in order to work at and improve our situation before committing. We both knew that we were a good fit for each other we just had to learn how to take 2 stubborn people, combine their different beliefs and values, and come up with our own individual relationship. We were successful in doing this, but it still takes practice for me to be so open with his parents as I wasn't brought up that way. Certain things I just can't accept them being involved in and certain things I can.
Those Bastards! Wanting to take you to brunch and perhaps give you a gift!
Of all the nerve.
Really...is this something you really want to have an issue with? I can think of wayyyy worse things
No, I don't have an issue with it and I am not discrediting their thoughtfulness at all. My original post was expressing how I would prefer to celebrate with them after my own husband and I celebrated. That's all... Mine and my husband's relationship comes in at a STRONG first to me.
But I realize I was trying to control the situation and am open to celebrating how they wish, when they wish. I always recognized it as a nice gesture...
I can definitely see your point. I wouldn't feel like our anniversary, especially our first anniversary, was something that needed to be celebrated with my in- laws, my parents, or anyone else for that matter. It's YOUR wedding anniversary, you and your H's, so I don't see why they feel the need to celebrate it at all. I'd also be extremely annoyed at them for trying to include themselves in on your family's christmas in Utah, especially when you see them often, and see your family infrequently. That would drive me NUTS!
But it does seem as though their adamance to see you both before your trip, does mean they plan on giving you a gift to be used in or for Ireland. So IMO, it's a nice gesture, and I'd take them up for brunch and thank them for their thoughtfullness.
Thanks for your thoughts, KayCee85.
I am doing my best to be flexible and compromise, but I do feel that some celebrations we have with them are almost expected rather than enjoyed willingly. And I agree with you about not wanting to celebrate it with anyone but the hubby, anyway. If roles were reversed, my parents would wish us a happy one and expect that we would spend it together, alone, as they have with my sisters.
I sometimes feel guilty that I always have something to say about my in-laws' gestures so I try to keep my cool, but the holiday thing did irk me a bit. I know my husband understood how I felt and we never did feed into the idea or talk to them about it so it was kind of just dropped. Should it be brought up to me I will tastefully let them know that we had planned on spending the holidays with my family this year as we've spent the last 2 with my husband's. By all means, if they ever want to invite my family to their Christmas celebration that would be okay, but a self-invite is a bit intrusive. Besides, this is the last holiday that my whole family will be together as my younger sister's husband will be receiving his Army orders for next year. I'd like to bond with the whole family one-on-one as it may be tough in the future to get everyone together. I also wouldn't want my mom stressing about hosting my in-laws and I'm sure there will be family-only moments (i.e. a photo session, which is tradition when we all get together) and the in-laws would feel left out anyway.
I don't see my family a lot so when I do I have such a great time! I enjoy my in-laws' company when we arrange get-togethers, but I never really get a chance to 'miss' them, if that makes sense.
Their anniversary plans for us are harmless and it will be a nice little farewell date before my husband and I cross the Atlantic, but if they happen to ask for my input at all, I will be happy to suggest keeping it casual.
Yea, see, I can totally sympathize with you because this is very much like my situation with my in-laws. Don't get me wrong, they are nice people, for the most part, but can be a little too much at times. Sorry - a lot - too much. I could tell you stories that would leave you shaking your head....at this point, I've gotten a pretty thick skin in my dealings with them.
Your in-laws seem like the type of people who 'toe the line' in terms of being nice and doing things for you - that way if you were to 'complain' about their engulfing behavior, you look like the bad guy - which is why you are feeling bad about their nice gestures. Like how dare you, don't you see they are just being nice? But i think you know them well enough by now to know that nice usually comes with some strings. Again, being flexible on your end is good, but there comes a time where you really just need to say thanks, but no thanks, or that just doesn't work for us. It's hard, but you'll figure it out.
As for Christmas - what exactly was said at the time? You said you all just dropped it, but what reaction did you/ your DH have at the time?
This can go one of two ways. But both ways involve your DH stepping up!
One is that you (really, your DH) "plays dumb" for a few more months and when the holidays get closer, bring it up in a general "Since Jen and I will be going to her family for Christmas, we want to figure out a time that we can celebrate. Think about if a date before or after our trip would work best for you."
Hopefully this will be enough of a "hint" that they aren't invited. If they don't get it and if they mention coming, this is when your DH is really going to need to suck it up and just be honest with them - as you haven't seen your family in a few years, and this may be the last year that you're all together for a few years - it's not the best time for them to also come.
The 2nd way is that if you feel they walked away thinking that they were going to be able to go is for your DH to sooner rather than later just directly nbring it up. "You all mentioned going to Utah too. Here's the thing.... (and kind of repeat the above)".
If he actually has to out and out tell them they aren't invited, it's going to suck. He has to be ready for that and he has to be ready that his parents will be upset.
What I wrote above is just "off the top of my head", I don't know your parents, rough attmpe. You know his parents better. The two of you can perhaps come up w/ some better/ gentler ways to get it.
But - while the idea is nice (I guess) of both families getting together, it's not their call to make. Not like this. Maybe it's something you can all visit down the road. Or like you said - perhaps your ILs can extend the offer next year for you family to come to you all.
There are many options. But if this year isn't the right year, that's fine. And this is all stuff you (your DH) can talk to them about. YOu all like the idea and perhaps you can think about it for next year. But THIS year - it's a special year for your family.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Maybe ask them why they are so keen on doing it before?
2 months before our 1st wedding anniversary my MIL kept bringing up our anniversary every chance she got and kept asking what our plans were and wanted to take us out for dinner on our anniversary day. I set a firm 'never will we spend our anniversary with his mom because it is not about her'.
Sounds like you don't want to do it so don't do it. Regardless if it is prior to your anniversary, prior to your trip, or if you are going to get money from them or they are going to pay for the brunch. If you tell them after is better and they keep disregarding your decision and pushing you to do it when it is not in your best interests then you are setting up a future relationship which shows them you can be manipulated. Stand your ground (whatever your reason for not going is) and tell them it will have to be after you come back.