Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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I should write a book....oh wait...
Hence the title, this is probably going to be a very very long post. Anyway here goes. So although this is all centered around my mom, there is a lot of back story here that I'm hoping helps out with advice here. Granted, my family would be the perfect Dr. Phil family, but I'm not going to go there. It all comes down to I am getting married in less than three weeks and my mom and my's relationship is on some pretty jagged rocks andI need to figure out what to do fast.
Anyway so this all started around June of last year. My fianc? and I picked a date for the wedding and of course I was excited to share that with family. So I call my grandparents and get a reaction somewhere along the lines of "well, we will see what we can do, I am not sure if we are really going to be able to make it or not". Now I am well aware that an out of state beach wedding is far from ideal for most people, but I have waited for a very long time to decide to finally get married because I want to do things the right way, unlike pretty much the entire rest of my family. I didn't think much of it because I am used to my family treating me that way but my fianc? pointed out that it was pretty crappy of them, which after thinking about it, it definitely was. They have no excuses. My grandfather sold his business and retired a couple of years go, so no financial or job excuse. They are both in pretty remarkable good health - the worst thing health wise with them is that my grandma fell over a year ago when she slipped on the ice and broke a couple of ribs, and didn't even go to the doctor for a few days because she didn't think anything was wrong. Anyway, so I mention to my mom that it was a little upsetting that they acted like they didn't even care to come and she has the "oh they always do that" sort of reaction. Then she calls them and tells them they upset me and their response was that "its just such an inconvenience" and also that pretty much everyone else that they knew had died around the age they are now. Which, at mid 70's , is to say the least a stretch. Her own mother died at 96, shes got plenty of long life genes and health going for her. Needless to day, I decided upon hearing that that I would not be "inconveniencing" them with an invitation.
Now before I start getting all these "bridezilla" responses or people thinking I am just cruel or spoiled, a few things about my grandparents. My grandmother has picked favorites ever since she had enough kids to do so. She has favorites in every generation of kids and grandkids and even great grandkids, and its no secret among anybody who has ever spent five minutes around my family. My grandmother is very controlling and manipulative and what she says goes, my grandfather follows whatever she says and does even when it makes him miserable and he knows it is wrong and will even admit it to anyone he can trust to keep that quiet from her. They even have a secondary set of favorites when the real favorites aren't around - its pitiful. My grandmother even gave away one of her daughters several times when she was growing up and the only reason she got her back was because she would call her mother (my great grandmother) needing a place to stay when times got rough and she wouldn't give her a place to stay without bringing all of the kids, so she would have to go figure out who had the other kid and round her back up. My grandmother was a very neglectful parent of some of her kids, and was like bff's back in high school with the favorite.
So fast forward to the holidays and I have gotten a few totally insincere, non response provoking texts from my grandmother. Of course nothing to do with the wedding or an apology or even a "haven't heard from you", it was crap like a picture of them in masks saying "looks like we have aged a little since the last time you saw us". So needless to say I did not respond. I got zero calls or invites or well wishes for the holidays from anyone beyond my mom and sister, and while my mom did invite me to Thanksgiving at my cousin's house, I was not about to go when I know that they are all mad at me because of the whole grandparent thing and make the holidays uncomfortable for everyone there. So shortly after my birthday, which is right after the holidays, my mom kept "forgetting" to give me fifty dollars that my grandmother gave her to give me for my birthday. Mind you, it's not like they don't know my address. So my mom wants to give me this fifty dollars so I could write them a thank you note. So basically my mom has been manipulated into giving me this money to get me to call them. I declined the money, I don't want it. If I wrote them a thank you, it would be a "thanks but no thanks" and sending them back the fifty dollars, some things are better left unsaid.
Anyway so not much word on the grandparents since then. My mom is upset they aren't invited and that I am not having anything to do with the rest of my family. In short, the closest aunt to my mom (and favorite #2) sleeps with just about anything with a pulse and is her own planet full of drama. You can in all seriousness go to a church and listen to a guy play guitar and before she makes it home that night she will have already called other people in the family (grandparents included) and tell them that the reason you like to go watch this guy play is because he has a hole in his pants and you can see his penis. Her and her adult kids live nearby. One of them is okay, recently married, lives a rather odd lifestyle. The other one is married, her and the hubby like to get blackout drunk and fight, she (at least) does drugs, smoked weed while pregnant, and sits around the table passing around prescription pills with her friends. And has two kids, I want no part of that. My youngest aunt has suffered her whole life from mental health issues and addiction, no doubt from being abandoned as a child. My oldest aunt (and favorite #1) lives on the other side of the country and the only time I hear anything about her is when she decides to gang up with fav #2 to devastate the youngest and most vulnerable aunt over something as ridiculous as a mannequin. All of them continue to play the game and to be manipulated and to manipulate others and gang up on each other and I want no part of it. I don't believe in continuing to put myself in situations where these people are a part of my life and able to (at least attempt to) manipulate me or hurt my feelings or create lies, I don't care if blood is thicker than water.
So back to the topic at hand, my mom has been pushing for months for me to invite her sister (we'll call her G). Now this sister is not mentioned above, she is a half sister, found later in life, and has never met anyone in the family other than my mom a time or two. My mom's stance on it is they live close by anyway, she really wants to meet me, I should just invite her. Now this is supposed to be a very very small and intimate wedding with only closest friends and family, but since she isn't pushing the grandparent thing I figure what could it hurt, I will just go ahead and invite her. Well then she wants her son to come. Okay so she can invite a guest that's fine. Well when my mom finally sends me the address for this other sister, she sends me two women's addresses. So I ask her who the heck I am inviting here, and she says oh, G really wants her mom to meet you. Well of course my first thought is heck no, but then again I don't want my mom upset with me especially with a wedding coming up so I go ahead and invite her and don't throw a fit. So a few days later I get a text from my mom saying G wants to know how many guests she can invite. So I put my foot down and tell her that it is completely inappropriate and basically that it's not going to happen. I told her that while I was glad to invite G (who, by the way lives 8-10 hours away, not nearly as "close" as my mom made it out to be) and I was fine with her bringing a guest, and even though it was stretching it to invite her mom too, I went ahead and did it to keep my mom happy, but beyond that it was not appropriate. So mom's response was basically "okay so I don't have the heart to tell her, she wants to know where you're registered at anyway, so I will give her number to you and you can break the news". So I tell her if she wants me to be the bad guy I will, but that they both know it was inappropriate in the first place for her to invite more guests or neither of them would have ever asked. So she texts me and tells me that she has uninvited G.
Well as well as you can imagine it went from there, it did eventually come out that my mom is not mad or upset or bothered at all by the whole G thing, that it was all about the rest of my family and not inviting my grandparents or the other aunts and cousins. She even goes so far as to tell me that I should have sent all of them an invitation and then called and told them that we didn't actually have space for them and they couldn't come. And the only reason we had this conversation was because I attempted several times to invite her over or to meet up with her so we could talk about things, and she kept telling me she had other plans, so I showed up to her house so we could be adults and have a conversation which basically ended with me saying I know that you will never understand where I am coming from, but I am going to respect that you want a relationship with them and you will just have to respect that I don't want one. She told me that it was fine with her if they wanted to talk crap about her and run her name through the mud and stab her in the back because that was the only family she was ever going to have. I told her I felt sorry for her - she has such a good heart but she has got to learn to stand up for herself.
So for the next month and a half my mom plays the same game as her mother and the only time I hear from her is when she sends me some half a.. text with a dog dressed in a tux or a happy St. Patty's day pic she found online. And bless my FMIL's heart she is trying to help out and she calls my mom and tells her time is running out and she needs to call me (no text, email, or facebook) and we need to talk and work things out. So my mom calls and I kid you not she talked about the new Whataburger in town and crap like that. She also tells me she wants to have lunch or get together and so I figure she doesn't want to talk about it over the phone, a step up from her usual text only or be an ostrich like the rest of our family and actually wants to talk about things in person. So I let her pick the day and time and place as much as I can get her to (because she is as about as non-committal and un-opinionated as she can possibly be). So as soon as I call and I tell her I am on the way she starts telling me there is a fishing tournament in town and there are bound to be lots of men out at the bar...and basically spends the whole conversation while I am there talking about anything not related to what is really going on. Mind you in the last two and a half months leading up to my wedding, we have barely spoken. She asks me if everything is about done or if I have anything left to do (which I don't) and avoids the topic like the plague for the rest of the day. So I had tried the non confrontational let her do this in her own time strategy...not working. I finally had to ask her if she was done being mad at me or what and she said she was never mad at me just disappointed and quickly changes the subject. So I tell her before I leave that I am really disappointed that she wouldn't talk to me more about things and she said "well we just have differing opinions on things" and I tell her it's going to stay that way but it doesn't mean we can't talk about it. Not hardly a word from her since.
So last week I check the mail and guess what, G sent back her RSVP saying she is coming - and we got this RSVP a month to the day past the "rsvp by... date". I have to admit, I am infuriated. I have heard nice things about G, and I don't think she is the type of person to have seriously been uninvited and to decide that she is going to come anyway. So that leaves two options, either my mom lied and never uninvited her her, or she decided that since she is mad at me she was just going to call her and tell her she could come anyway. Now this woman (G) pushed and asked and called and texted so much I seriously doubt that she would have waited that long to send her RSVP if she had not been uninvited, so the only logical explanation is that my mom called back and said to send the RSVP anyway. I really really really want to write her a letter and say "my apologies, but since it is so far past the due date, we are unable to accommodate you and your guest/s at the wedding", but I know that part of me is only being a childish, vindictive b and I am above that.
Seriously, what to do with my mom here. She has been about as passive aggressive here as she can be. She never sent in her RSVP and even though when I asked her about it her response was "I wouldn't miss it for the world", I still know she did it on purpose. She also text jumped my arse over my very manipulative, schizophrenic, attention seeking brother "not getting an invitation" - and yet still never sent her RSVP in. She has also not told me yet where she plans on staying. She knows we have a beach house and limited amount of space and even helped us pay for part of the beach house before all of this mess started. She has told me that she may stay with my sister, who has also been very noncommittal about coming, because my sister may need help with the kids. My mom is supposed to be walking me down the aisle. I am at such a loss here I just want to tell her not to even come, I don't need this drama - this is why I didn't invite the rest of my family! I really don't know what to do. I have decided that I am not going to have these ridiculous conversations with her about Whataburger, we really need to talk, but the avoidance bs is just too much for me to deal with. I am at my breaking point here and my fianc? is about to the point where he is ready to write her off totally until she patches up things with me. My fMIL wants to sit her down and talk to her about things, but I doubt it will do any good. My bridesmaids are well aware of the situation and I have already told them they're probably just going to have to create a buffer zone between her and me because I am not going to deal with her drama at the wedding.
Any advice here?
Re: I should write a book....oh wait...
You are being a crazy, nutty bride.
I had a destination wedding and 3 of my Grandparents did not come. It is the risk you take by not getting married at home or near family.
Leave your Mom alone and stop fighting with your family. Yo
TTC since September 2012
Yeah. What I got from that was more or less that you are incredibly judgemental and make no effort to hide the fact that you have no respect or even like anyone in your family and you are mostly upset that your grandparents don't want to go to your des
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Wow, ok.
First - your grandparents didn't commit to attending. Comes with the territory when you have a destination wedding. Also, old people like tradition. My grandmother nearly had a coronary when she heard we were doing
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Oh yeah...,
Your mother is not showing by your posts the definition of passive aggressive behavior. Get real. Get counseling. Tell the truth, you don't like your mother. Own it.
Cripes. If you're as judgemental, demanding and bratty as this post comes across IRL, I have no idea why any of these people would want to come to your wedding in the first place.
The grandparents don't need a reason beyond "it's inc
PPs are absolutely right, so I'll just add some additional thoughts.
First, you don't know if your grandparents are truly in good health. Lots of people hide that sort of thing. My one grandma tried her damnedest to hide her dementia and sh
I haven't read the other comments.
I agree that you should keep these people out of your life. Honestly, it sounds like f-ed upness spanning multiple generations, one generation screwing the next
Your mom has drank some of their cool-