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Father's wife competing with me... am I being irrational?
(yes, it's an AE)
I live very far away from my family, and see my dad about once every year. It's been nearly 2 years since I last saw him. His wife (of 10 years) has "medical issues" and if I'm honest, has since the day the ring went on. Her debilitating back pain and myriad of other issues have consistently prevented her from being able to work, but she doesn't qualify for any sort of disability. Her EI ran out YEARS ago and, although they really struggle financially (to the point that my grandparents have bought them appliances, groceries, etc.) she has made no effort to do any sort of work that would bring in more income. She is "bedridden" although the entire family believes that this is unnecessary and something that choosing to do. She can't help around the house, can't cook, can't do laundry, can't clean anything - just lay in bed and watch TV and play FB games on her laptop. They have a teenage daughter (her daughter from a previous marriage) that basically just goes to school and takes care of her invalid, depressed mother who lives in a dark bedroom by herself.
This is really hard for me, not only because my dad has been so miserable that he talks about suicide just to get away from it, but also because I'm going through my own severe health issue and, although I've spent a collective 10 weeks in the hospital in the last year alone, I still work to support my family, run a company and actively parent my young children. I'm determined that my illness will not define me or stop me from living.
Everything with her is the most horrible case a doctor has ever, ever seen. She has a cold? It's just unbelievable. She has the flu? It was so bad that the hospital ALMOST admitted her, but they're full of uncaring idiots. She has now, after 8 years of changing doctors and storming out of pain clinics insisting that they are all idiots that don't know what they are talking about, been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (the worst her doctor has ever, ever seen, despite all of the tests they have done being negative). She has now confined herself to her bed. My dad goes to her doctor's appointment FOR her, because it is impossible for her to get out of bed, too excruciatingly painful. The treatment prescribed? Lose weight and take anti-depressants. Seriously? Come on!
Okay, on one hand, whatever. I'm 32 years old, I live far away, let them do whatever they want, it doesn't affect me. Fair enough.
On the other though? I feel that every time I try to talk to my dad about my own illness that she (and he!) competes with me over it. It's so strange. He asked me what pain medication I'm on (who asks that sort of thing?) I said um, morphine patches and some other stuff, why? He jumps in with "Oh, they tried to give wife morphine patches, they were a joke! Couldn't even TOUCH her pain! She's on so much morphine and just has to constantly take these incredible strength pain killers just to get through a day!".
Um... okay?
When I was actually going blind (within a week), wife's pain was so excruciating that he didn't have time to chat, he had to fetch her something. When I went to visit and my dad's focus was on my and my children that he hadn't yet met she got in a horrific car accident the day I arrived (tiny scratch on the back of the car from a fender bender) and was bedridden with the worst whiplash known to mankind. She came out to dinner to meet us, but whimpered and moaned and groaned and bravely winced through the entire first 10 minutes before she just couldn't take the pain any more and they all had to leave. I then got a spiel from my dad about how amazing it was for her to put herself in that much pain just to see me.
And most recently - while I was going through my first round of chemotherapy he didn't call, didn't ask how I was doing until he texted me saying 'hang in there kid, we're all having a rough go right now" - I texted back saying yeah, it's rough but I'm okay, thanks and his response? Sorry, can't talk right now, wife fell last night (how convenient - the woman hasn't left her bed in 8 months but the day I'm having chemo she has a horrific fall on the way to their ensuite bathroom) and "he's busy taking care of her, you can't imagine the agony that she is in."
So I feel like she is competing with me for his attention, even though I live a 10 hour plane ride away and never see him, we don't talk much on the phone and he doesn't even know what Skype is. Regardless, it stings and it makes me angry.
What would you do? Address it to him? Or just leave it, knowing that it's not going to change and the relationship isn't contributing anything of value to my life anymore anyway? Or am I being insensitive and irrational?
Re: Father's wife competing with me... am I being irrational?
I don't feel you're being irrational. BUT you're not dealing w/ rational people. You mention depression. That alone is going to make people act irrationally at times. But I have to tell you- as I read all of this, I'm thinking "muncha
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
My grandma and great grandma were like this, my dad says they "enjoy poor health". That being said, I also believe my grandpa was a classic enabler. I believe your dad is too.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
it's you?:(
Sorry for your troubles.
Thanks, this has all been really helpful, and very sweet. I wasn't sure at first if I really wanted my health issues out there, but oh well.
After so many of the posts that you read on here I've been trying to think of it as a "she's his wi
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I have not read the other comments. I have no interest in reading what other people say about fibro.
I have fibromyalgia along with myofacial pain disorder. Until recently this syndrome was just a place to put people who's pain they could not fig
I really feel for you dear. You have your hands full, aside from your Dad & his wife.
Let him go. I understand he's so depressed that he's suicidal, but honestly he's lived his life, and you can't decide for him that he needs to stop being