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Once a cheater always a cheater?
A very long time ago, I found out that my SO had been cheating on me. Not physically, he says, but through the internet and I have still not been able to get over it.
There has been a lot of turmoil in our relationship ever since I found out, almost an exact year ago. Through the last year, I have caught him doing it again 3 or 4 times but always forgave him because we have a son together.
Well it has been a good 4 or 5 months since I last caught him again and he says it's never going to happen again. But he said that the last time...
And then a few days ago I cheated and I cannot stop thinking about what a hypocritical piece of $h!t I am. I have never cheated on anyone before, at least not physically and I always came clean right away. But I also don't know how to tell him. Or if I even should. HELP I'm dying inside I think I need to leave but I don't want to break up our family. Or SO's heart ): My stomach is in the tightest knot like when I almost had to have my son preterm for high blood pressure
Re: Once a cheater always a cheater?
To answer your question, YES.
It is time for you to show this gentleman the door.
He's a repeat offender. And a serial one, at that.
This is a case of "fool me once, etcetera." He's called your bluff by promising that it won't happen again.
You should have shown him the door when it was *only* an internet affair -- inappropriate behavior with another person IS an AFFAIR, period, and not acceptable. It's a dealbreaker.
This isn't the guy for you.
And perhaps no guy is for you right now, if you've had thoughts about another guy or *cheated* on your SO.
Do yourself a favor and yep, say goodbye to him. Get yourself and your son away from this unhealthy situation. THis is no father figure for him and no type of committed partner for you.
Get yourself tested and call a moratorium on dating --- take at least a year off from anything that has to do with guys or meeting men. And get therapy -- breakt this pattern once and for all so that you don't date any more guys who cheat on their GFs. GL.
All this!!
Get your head on here. You think your child is going to thank you one day for you two idiots staying together?!? Cause that ain't ever happening. Leave, get help and stay single for a few years. Teach your child a healthy relationship one day.
This whole situation is just too much. Is this real life?
I agree that he is a "repeat offender" and that he is not going to stop what he is doing.
I think you cheated because you are looking for what he is not giving you.
Just leave. For your son.
He was so good to me yesterday on V-day. I just feel worse than low. Can't stop crying. Nothing. I don't know how to go about leaving because I am afraid.
This whole situation is so awful and scary to me...
Can't he fight me for custody and win if I just take LO away?
Congrats. He was soo good to you ONE day. What are you afraid of? That he will take your baby? I think there is a lot of back story that we don't know. Are either of you on drugs? Do you have a stable, safe place to take LO? Is he physically abusive??
This is tough. We are sorry for your troubles but there is a time in one's life when one decides "enough" and then does what one has to do.
See an attorney. You are not married; I think you can leave and go, as free as a bird -- a lawyer will tell you for sure.
You will have to see an attorney anyway to get child support issues straightened out. He should not get off scot free on this one -- and now you can see why it is not wise to have a child when there is no marriage involved. Having a child int he picture makes it all the more difficult; in that aspect, you are tied to him for about 17 more years.:(
Don't stay with this scumbag. He's shown you no respect and shown you loud and clear he does not want to be part of a committed couple. Get rid of him.
The question at hand, yes and no are my answers. I say this because I have seen a cheater cheat on their SO and then not cheat on their next SO. Cheating, IMO, has to do with respect and how they feel about their partner. I don't believe an individual who cheats on their SO is in love with them. Do they love them? Yes, but most of us know that there is a big difference between loving and being in love with someone. I have seen this type of scenario happen alot, so I'm not going to ask if you're on drugs just because you're going thru this.
What's a very long time ago of when you first found out he cheated? Not that, that really matters because this POS has cheated numerous times.
The reason why your relationship has been falling apart since he has been caught cheating is due to you having resentment towards him, which is warranted! Your relationship has been OVER for a long time. Once someone cheats, the trust is broken, when the trust is broken, then the relationship is OVER. If there is no trust then there is no relationship, bottom line!
Can he fight you for custody? Maybe partial custody, but not full custody unless he has proof of you being on drugs and abuse the child. It is very hard to take a child away from a mother! Sounds like he may have threatened you with this at a previous time.
Eh, I wouldn't feel horrible for cheating on him! Like I said, the relationship has been over for a long time. He ended it when HE cheated!!!! Why even tell him, you cheated? Things could get worse. I'd go seek an attorny and see if you can stay with someone for a short while or get an apt for you and your son. You definitely don't want your son to see this type of behavior from his Dad daily, especially towards you. It could end up being a vicious cycle, he could think this is normal behavior, which it is not! I'm sure your son senses your stress and anger, that is not good at all. This isn't a healthy environment for you or your son.
Really?
How about how he has broken YOUR heart, quite a few times????
No offense but this family is long broken. He's giving you the message loud and clear that he does not want to have an exclusive relationship with you.
Kids, even the littlest ones, can pick up when things are not right at home. He'll snse the stress --and as i said, your SO is not a good father figure for your son. Do you want him to grow up knowing that it's okay for a man to walk all over a woman? I very much doubt that you do.
And I'm pretty sure you don't want him growing up with the understanding that it's fine for Mommy to be treated like dirt by Daddy.
Tomorrow:
See an attorney. Get child support rolling and get your finances in order.
When all of that is done, leave. Go home to your parents' house, or to the home of a relative you love. Go anywhere but stay there. The sooner you are done with this jerk the better off you will be.
DTMFA. Seriously.
Regardless of the fact that he absolutely cannot and will not be faithful-which should be more than enough reason to leave his sorry @$$- the fact that you went and cheated on him? Yeah, you don't love him, you might want things to work because you have a kid together, but you don't actually love him.
You owe it to your kid to raise him in an environment where infidelity is "okay" as long as you're staying together for the kids or something. What kind of example are your setting for your son when he grows up and starts to have relationships of his own?
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
We are seeking help but still not together...I just hope that one day we can be healthy together. I know that we have never really been alone or knows what it's like to be independent.
But we do have a son, and neither of us are that good to each other, so LO doesn't need to see the way we treat each other at all.. He is such a happy baby too, probably the only thing keeping us together all this time.
It doesn't seem like it has been over a year. I feel like there is still so much love, there is just so much anger, pain and hate, and resentment too though. I know we are unhealthy together, but I think we are alone too right now!
I have been needing to see a therapist since I was a child, but it never worked out the two times I did see one.
This situation is so awful, but I think everything will be okay! I think someday we can even be a true family again.
All of this.
OP-To answer your main question. Once a cheater always a cheater? I think it depends on the cheater. I think some can truly change, but most don't sadly. I've had my experience with three different types of cheaters in the past. Two of the three have been repeat offenders and continue to engage in the same behavior (though not with me anymore).
You seem to be remorseful, so you probably won't cheat again as long as you're in a healthy relationship. Your relationship is not healthy. He is constantly seeking something online (and maybe more) and you also did the same. Something is lacking in the relationship. Having a child is not an excuse for staying in a toxic relationship. Please seek counseling because the main issue has not been resolved.