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Dilemma regarding fiance asking for dad's approval
A little bit of background:
My fianc? and I have been together for 9 ? years. I am 27 and he is 29. My dad isn?t that crazy about him because my fianc? has had a history of having many jobs and hasn?t settled on a career. Basically my dad has his reservations on whether or not my fianc? can support me or provide for me.
My fianc? is a very hard worker. I'm currently the bread-winner in the relationship which doesn't bother me partly because when I was in college, my fiance was the one helping support us. So we've both help support each other at different points in our relationship.
He doesn?t have a problem keeping a job. He?s just had situations with a few jobs in the past where something happened at each job that made him understandably unhappy to work there anymore and so he left each one after not that long of a period of time. He?s currently a server/bartender at an upscale steakhouse. He?s thought about going to school and I have pushed and encouraged him to try school, but he?s really not a school/academic person. My fianc? has always been more of a labour type of worker. I am fine with this because I want him to do what makes him happy, as long as he makes something of himself and develops some sort of career path (rather than lingering in the service industry). He is definitely a motivated and goal-oriented person, he just needs an extra push sometimes.
Aside from his career/job situation, he is a great guy. He?s very loving and sweet with me, shows affection and does things such as giving me massages. He always wants me to know and feel that I am taken care of. We always make each other laugh and have fun together. He?s always been supportive of my career path and anything I want to do in life. He takes great care of our new puppy. He prepares his food every week, he brushes our puppy?s teeth, takes care of his nails..etc. He?s a great dad to our doggy. He?s great around the house and always does his part in cleaning/chore responsibilities. And many more things.
The dilemma:
2 years ago, my fianc? worked for my dad for a short period of time (my dad owns his own business). One day while him and my dad were working together in my dad?s shop, during conversation, my fianc? who was my boyfriend at that time started telling my dad how he wanted to marry me and how he loves and cares for me. My dad pretty much brushed him off and told him that they can talk about it later.
With my fianc? being the way he is, my dad?s reaction pretty much discouraged him from wanting to talk to my dad about it again later down the line. My dad's reaction took my fiance by surprise. Ever since then, my fianc? never attempted again to talk to my dad or ask for my dad?s blessing in wanting to marry me.
A little bit of time after it happened, my fianc? (bf at that time) told me that it happened. I was surprised when he told me what my dad?s reaction was and I was pretty much on my fiance?s side about it. I was sad that my dad reacted that way. I never ended up talking to my dad about it.
For about a year after it happened, I was kind of in the middle about the whole situation (in terms of how I felt about it all). I was wishing my dad would?ve been more open about it, but at the same time wishing my fianc? would put more effort in talking to him again.
So here we are 2 years later. My fianc? proposed 3 months ago in December of 2012 and I of course said yes. Our wedding date is set for February of 2014. Only thing is, my fianc? still never tried a 2nd time to talk to my dad or ask my dad. Even though my dad isn?t crazy about him, I feel like it would help my dad like/respect him a little bit more if my fianc? made the effort to try and talk to him again and ask for his blessing.
The next day after we got engaged, I called my parents to tell them the great news. Then the night after that I went over to my parents to talk to them about it. I started talking to my dad and in a sort of sad way he said ?...but he didn?t ask me?. In that moment, I responded by saying that my fianc? tried (referring to the 1 and only time my fianc? tried when they were working together 2 years prior).
Thinking about it now..it just saddens me thinking about how my dad feels about it.
I just can?t help but picture my dad and I walking down the aisle a year from now and thinking in my mind that my dad might still be thinking that he?s walking his only daughter towards a man he still doesn?t like?
I love my dad very much and I care about what he thinks and feels and this whole situation saddens me.
I?ve tried talking to my fianc? about this and he just doesn?t see it the way I see it. I?ve even had his best female friend on my side and trying to get him to see this situation differently and he still won?t budge. My fianc? feels like since we?ve been together so long, that my dad should know already that we?re committed to each other and that we?re going to get married?etc. He also feels like if he talks to him again, it would be awkward. If he tries to talk to him again and if my dad still doesn?t give his approval or doesn?t really know what to say to my fianc?, then it just makes for a really awkward situation. Even my fiance?s best female friend tried telling him ?It doesn?t matter?.that?s still his little girl?.
My fianc? doesn?t understand and it?s frustrating.
Another person that I?ve mentioned this to is my fiance?s mom and she kind of sees it from his side. She?s very easy to talk to about stuff and I confide in her with things sometimes, so it?s not a situation where she?s just defending her son. That?s not it at all?just wanted to clarify that. She just explained to me her point of view and that she can see it from a man?s point of view?.that it?s kind of awkward approaching the dad again after he already brushed it off. It?s like..the man tried...but sort of got shot down. It?s kind of a blow to his confidence or a blow to him as a man?if that makes sense.
I want to try and talk to my fianc? about it again in the very near future, but I wanted to get some other opinions on this situation.
Sorry for the lengthy post.
Re: Dilemma regarding fiance asking for dad's approval
I think you need to tell your dad that you are an adult capable of making your own life choices and your fiance did not need to ask his permission for a decision the two of you made together.
Your fiance tried to talk to your dad once, and your dad treated him in a disrespectful manner. Why are your dad's feelings your main concern here? Instead of pushing your fiance to bend over backwards trying to win the favor of someone who probably won't ever respect him, you need to tell your dad that, while he may not approve of your choices, this man is going to be your husband and must at the very least be treated with common courtesy.
He's more of a labor type person?
As you know, those jobs in this country went out with the dotcom. All the manufacturers are gone; it used to be each town had a small manufacturer; not anymore.
Your issue isn't having him approach your dad --- it's an outdated notion anyway --- your issue is indeed making sure he can provide for you and provide for you in the very very very long run.
Not great that he just quit and job and left it with no job replacement. He's not supposed to be doing that, unless it is a very unforeseen situation at the workplace.
I would give him about a year to find his career niche -- and if he doesn't make good by the time the year is up, cut your losses and go. You can't live on love --- suppose something happened to you where you got married to this guy and you were no longer able to work anymore? How can this guy provide for you as it stands right now?
It sounds like a few things are happening...
1. Your fiance is overly sensitive. Is he going to leave every single job where the employees or employer make him unhappy? Disappointment is a part of life and part of manning up to a task and a job is to suck it up and deal even if that means being unhappy as long as it provides a paycheck. THIS is why your Dad is concerned, and rightfully so. This guy you're with doesn't seem to have any stick-to-it-ive-ness. He is part of a group of people who think that happiness OUGHT to come with every single aspect of life and if it doesn't, he hightails it out of there. Your Dad, on the other hand, is part of a generation who sticks with something regardless of emotion because it is the right and best thing to do. You might not think this is a concern now, but what happens if your fiance suddenly finds himself unhappy with you or your life together? What happens if you have children and your fiance, then DH, wants to quit his job? Is he capable of seeing anyhting beyond his own discomfort?
2. This ties into #1. The fact that your fiance was chit-chatting with your dad about you a few years ago and got his feelings hurt that your dad wanted to focus on other things, also depicts how your fiance is unable to separate other peoples' needs from his own desires. Your dad is a biz owner - did either you or fiance ever consider your dad had a lot on his mind, was about to begin a new task at work, or had to have his head focused on something else and therefore wasn't ready or capabel of entertaining a mushy love conversation?
3. I understand the desire for a blessing from a parent. While it isn't common-place anymore, this does not mean it isn't important. But, it's water under a bridge. You have a chocie. Either move past it or have your fiance circle back and talk to your dad.
These are hard questions to face. You might think they are mean, but if you can answer them honestly now, you will save yourself many questions and heartache later on.
This sounds very immature to me. Your FI needs to grow up, he is still hanging on to a conversation that happened 2 years ago. What father wants to hear some guy gushing over his daughter? Not many.
I think your Dad has very good issues that you really need to think about. You may not mind being the bread winner now but what about 5 or 15 years down the road? What if you have a child and you want the choice to SAH? You have to look down the years and life changes that may come.
Bottom line your FI should have talked with your Dad. He didn't have to ask but he could have told him and given your father the chance to grill him a little. I also wonder if you really want to marry this guy.
Why should her father have the chance to grill him? And someone has to be the primary breadwinner in every relationship- the chances that both partners will earn the same amount of money are very slim.
If her dad has concerns about this guy, the person he should be talking to about those concerns is his daughter.
I agree.
I like the tradition of asking the father but if the fiance doesn't feel the need then he shouldn't have to.
TTC since September 2012
The grill comment was half tongue in cheek and half it seems important to Dad here and your FI is holding on to a 2 year old convo and it's a stupid reason not to ask your Dad.
I get that one spouse is going to "make more" but I also know a few women in this situation and after they had babies half are bitter over it. It is something for her to think about and weigh the situation.
Why is talking to your Dad your FI's responsibility? That's on you, and you only. YOU need to tell your Dad that you are adult, that you are happy with your FI, that you are in a loving and committed relationship, and that you will marry him with or without his blessing. I think it's really crappy of you to put this on your FI's shoulders.
Plus, why are you so hung up on your Dad's feelings? If you're happy, if you're ready, and you want to get married, you do it. Of course it's nice to have your Dad on board but if he's not, what difference does it make? I don't make choices based on how my parents may or may not react. That's part of growing up AND it's a big part of being married. You need to realize that you and your FI are becoming a family now - that HE is your priority, that HE is the one you make choices with, etc.
I was thinking the same thing. In college, I was never attracted to white collar guys. MH is a blue collar worker and I see nothing wrong with it although my family didn't like the fact that I was not marrying someone with a college degree. I must admit that I had the longest engagement because of how my family felt. They felt that if something happened to me and I couldn't work that MH couldn't take care of me. That's not true.
What made me set a date is that my family had nothing bad to say about MH other than his lack of a degree. If that's all you've got, then oh well because MH makes around the same amount than I do.
TTC since September 2012
How much money is your dad putting towards your wedding?
1.) Stop talking to people about this situation. Your FI's mother doesn't need to be brought into this mess.
2.) Be honest with yourself. Your father's opinion matters so much because down deep, you have the same fears about your long term financial security with your FI. But you also don't want to bail on your relationship because you have invested so much time and effort and defended him for so long.
There is nothing wrong with doing physical labor in your job. Bottom line, when your septic system backs up, your husband with a PhD is worthless and your plumber is your hero. I know, my husband has a PhD - brilliant in his field but hopeless for around the house tasks. I have a list of repairmen who come in to deal with emergencies. But your FI doesn't have a career - he has a series of jobs and list of reasons why each job just didn't work out. And there is no sign this trend is going to change.
Now, project yourself 5 years. You get pregnant and, for some reason, lose your job. Who is going to provide health insurance for your family? I doubt your FI's bartending job provides full benefits. What about saving for the long term? Retirement? Hard to do with an income based on tips.
Your father is concerned and your FI's behavior (as evidenced over 9 years) hasn't given him much reason to sleep easy. You aren't going to get your father's whole hearted approval -- period. So stop trying to get it.
I am the daughter of a hard working blue collar worker who worked 6 days a week. Nothing is wrong with it. But her FI seems to be slacking on the job and her father is concerned. It also reads to me that her father may also own a shop and hired him and has seen it first hand.
it isnt a career when you job hop and cant keep on very long. this guy sounds like he has no aspirations of a career and why OP has wasted so many years of her life without being married I dont know.
Id get out
hiwever re the dad thing I did want my then FI to ask my dad and he did. it was a special conversation for both of them. yes I am an adult and yes I make my own decisions but it meant a lot to me and my dad
Yeah, I think you may be right.
TTC since September 2012
I am WTF over IDmessing asking this question to begin with. Who said or brought up the industry this guy works in? I don't care if its a white collar job this FI of the OP has no drive or work ethic. If he did her father wouldn't be concerned and this wouldn't be an issue. Since her father has worked with FI I am going to listen to him more than the OP who wants to rush to the alter.
Btw, my Dad worked his a$$ off and my mom has SAH my whole life with me and my brother. So my question to the OP has nothing to do with WHAT he does for a living it has to do with his WORK ETHIC. FFS.
How many jobs has your FI had in the last 9 years and how many did he leave because of a conflict? I'm betting your Dad saw his work ethic and wasn't impressed, as well as not wanting to discuss something personal at work. Asking for a blessing isn't the same as asking for permission. If you want his blessing then ask him, but I agree you are an adult and not chattel.
Stop discussing this with his mother, learn to keep your relationship your own business. Of course she is going to take her son's side she raised him. As the bread winner are you willing and agreeable to supporting him forever?
^^ completely agree!! ^^
Thanks for all the replies.
I haven't brought up this topic to my FI since writing the original post. I don't think I will.
The only reason it was an issue was because, like one poster said, it just meant something to me to have my dad's blessing. No I'm not a child. I'm aware I'm an adult and don't require my dad's approval. It's just one of those things, that it'd be nice and make me feel good if my dad approved.
However, I'm not focused on it anymore as I was. Whether or not my dad approves, I'm not focused on it.
I love my FI very much and can't wait to marry him.
I obviously should've put more thought into writing my original post because some people have had some harsh replies claiming that my FI isn't a hard worker and all this BS.....which is completely UNtrue! He just took on a second job recently to help with paying for our wedding and bills, and he loves this job and is very happy with it.
Anyway, thanks for all the input.