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Would you say anything?
One of my best friends whom I have known since college is dangerously close to getting "nice guy" syndrome. He is 43 and has never been married. He has a really tough time with relationships. It's getting to be really painful to read his Facebook posts or have a conversation with him because he is becoming extremely bitter. On one hand I can understand his frustration. He is short, bald, and on disability due to severe Asperger's. That is a lot of strikes against him that he can't do anything about. He is also very outgoing, friendly, and loyal. If he continues down this road of bitterness, then he's going to lose those things about him that are great.
Honestly I think one of his biggest problems is that he doesn't have a very good filter when it comes to judging others' character. He can't tell when people are being insincere. He literally wants to be friends with everyone, can't tell when people are merely being polite, and gets extremely hurt when people don't return his calls and efforts to get together. I am pretty sure this is due to his Asperger's. Most of the women he winds up dating are majorly damaged goods, and he doesn't see it until it's too late.
I don't know if I should say something to him, and if so how I should say it.
Re: Would you say anything?
If he were my best friend, I would openly point out his bitterness. "Best Friend, you really seem bitter about this...." and then leave that statement open for his response. Follow up with your concerns about the permanent affect on his bitterness, and try to help him find some resources to work on that, if he is open to doing so.
All you can do is be there for him- you can't change him personally. That's something he needs to want to work on himself, possibly with the help of a professional.
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If there is some sort of outreach program to coach Asperger's Syndrome people that are in his age category, he'd benefit by it. There may be one.
The thing is how to get it across that there are people who can help him, if there is such a group.
He's probably having trouble picking up on social cues -- or perhaps he is simply asking out the wrong women.
If he is outgoing friendly and loyal, he'd be great for a group that needs lots and lots of hardworking volunteers. He could probably join just about anything and benefit -- K of C if he's Catholic, fundraiser groups, etc.
I think one of his biggest problems is that he doesn't have a very good filter when it comes to judging others' character. He can't tell when people are being insincere. He literally wants to be friends with everyone, can't tell when people are merely being polite, and gets extremely hurt when people don't return his calls and efforts to get together. I am pretty sure this is due to his Asperger's.
That's not because of his Aspergers, it's the very definition of it.
Relationships can be really hard for adult men with Aspergers- the subtle nuances of courtship in our society are beyond the comprehension of most. While most men with AS have those very qualities of kindness and loyalty, they often lack social judgement or the stamina required to make a relationship work without support. The fact that he's unable to be employed would suggest that his ability to navigate the NT world as an adult is limited as well.
Unfortunately, two traits common to AS may be undermining his success in relationships. The first is that they can be rather uncompromising in relationships- often they are drawn to only very physically attractive women with little regard for more average girls who would be a more down to earth choice. The other is that they are so starved for approval they will sometimes do things for the attention of someone unworthy of them.
One option would be to seek out a therapist to help him create a plan to put himself out there safely. But since there are few therapists serving this population and since he's on disability, this probably has no traction. Could he be interested in an adult support group?
www.grasp.com and www.wrongplanet.net are two awesome self advocacy groups for adults with AS. Finding someone he has something in common with would be ideal, even if it's just friends. It could be a hobby, activity or even a support group. Friends sometimes lead to relationships. Grasp even has IRL meetings where he might connect with someone who gets him.
There are a couple good books specific to AS and dating. I love anything written by Jerry and Mary Newport.
http://www.amazon.com/Autism-Aspergers-Sexuality-Puberty-Beyond/dp/1885477880/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366832346&sr=8-1&keywords=jerry+newport
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-About-Dating-Relationships/dp/1849052697/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1366832425&sr=1-1&keywords=aspergers+and+dating
One option would be to seek out a therapist to help him create a plan to put himself out there safely. But since there are few therapists serving this population and since he's on disability, this probably has no traction. Could he be interested in an adult support group?
www.grasp.com and www.wrongplanet.net are two awesome self advocacy groups for adults with AS. Finding someone he has something in common with would be ideal, even if it's just friends. It could be a hobby, activity or even a support group. Friends sometimes lead to relationships. Grasp even has IRL meetings where he might connect with someone who gets him.
There are a couple good books specific to AS and dating. I love anything written by Jerry and Mary Newport.
http://www.amazon.com/Autism-Aspergers-Sexuality-Puberty-Beyond/dp/1885477880/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366832346&sr=8-1&keywords=jerry+newport
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-About-Dating-Relationships/dp/1849052697/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1366832425&sr=1-1&keywords=aspergers+and+dating
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This is great advice.:)
A plan to put himself out there safely --- a therapist who can throw in some life coach-ery, also.:)
Wishing your friend luck. LEt us know what happens.
Thanks for your replies. He already does do a lot of volunteering, and he has a massively active social life. He used to see a counselor a few years ago, and I don't recall the specifics but it ended badly. I don't think he has looked into doing it again.
ETA: I don't think the women he goes for are "out of his league" so to speak. They are pretty average looking to me.
right but he has aspergers which is pretty unconducive to maintaining a normal adult realtionship
I'd leave it alone
All of this. Your heart is in the right place though!