Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
feels like it's over
Longtime lurker, but first (I believe) time posting.
Basically, I have some things on my mind with not a whole lot of options of venting. Thus, here I am.
I've been with my S.O. for 3 yrs in July, but we've dated before in high school and always maintained a positive friendship throughout the years (We've known each other for 12 years) and have 2 kids; one together and my daughter from a previous relationship. We had started a long-distance relationship a while before we moved in together, giving ourselves time to reconnect and talk things out. One thing that was said to me was (and forgive me; I'm paraphrasing), "I'm finally ready to settle down emotionally, but not physically."
Now before you throw up arms over this statement, I agreed to it initially, because at that point in life, we were into alternative lifestyles (to spare you details) and it seemed to fit in with what we wanted. After this conversation, everything seemed to fit into place.
At first when we finally moved in together, everything was good, aside from the normal adjustment phase. He and my daughter got along wonderfully, sex life was great...nothing was out of place.
Things started changing though when I became pregnant with our son. I found that I started feeling differently about the stipulation (for lack of a better word) that we discussed before. Before I became pregnant, both of us were having fun together with other women. This also means that he was "not physically settling down" outside of the home. That became a problem. One night in particular, he invited someone over, with the intent of having fun. I wasn't really in the mood for it, and I said that they could come and watch movies, but nothing more than that. Well she came over and next thing you know, they were having fun...in the middle of my floor...without me. This was after I said no mind you.
I snapped and said that I can no longer do this with him. That I needed it to be just me unless I invited someone. He didn't like that, but he agreed to it. What I didn't realize is that this started a chain of events that neither one of us were willing to go down.
He started going through mood swings from not being able to go out and "Taste the hamburger, but come home and appreciate the steak". I felt bad that he was going through this, especially with my pregnancy (it made sex less than desirable). So I tried on countless occasions to be OK with what he wanted, and to give it to him. However, by doing so, I started feeling bad about myself, thinking that he just wasn't as attracted to me like he claimed. He kept reassuring me that it wasn't like that, that it was just something within himself. It wasn't enough to convince me.
Fast forward to the present. My son is 18 months, and our sex life isn't what it was. It's become routine and lazy, with no real effort on either side. I feel more alone now then I did when I was single. We sit in the same room, but don't interact with each other (we're both hardcore gamers). We hardly show affection anymore, and when we do it feels forced almost. He doesn't talk to me, and when I try, all he wants to talk about is his job. And games. Oh, and Anime too. Outside of these 3 topics (I wholly wish I were exaggerating on the number of things we actually talk about). I believe he still texts women (I don't go through his phone).
He doesn't spend any real time with the kids. I do EVERYTHING with them since I stay at home. He doesn't even help me out with them. I'll ask him, and he gets this look of annoyance on his face, but he'll do it. At that point I just get pissed off and end up doing whatever it was I needed myself anyway.
I'm sorry if this is rambling a little. I'm crying as I type this because I've had no one that I can talk to about this, so everything is coming out at once. I love this man, but I don't feel that I am in love with him like I used to be. I mean don't get me wrong, he's an excellent provider, and he does almost anything I ask (annoyance or otherwise). Emotionally, however, he seems void and closed off... I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel stuck. If i wanted to leave, I would have a really difficult time doing so. My oldest is in school and she's happy. All I'm really asking for is to be happy too. What do I do???
Re: feels like it's over
This. Forget about your history for a second. What are you getting out of this relationship at this time? Screw being provided for... that doesn't make a "relationship." Sounds to me that there's not much there for you to be happy about, and that it's time to move on.
People grow apart. It happens.
TTC since Aug 2011
Type I Diabetic, PCOS
February 16, 2013: First IUI (with Clomid, Pregnyl Trigger Shot and Crinone 8% Gel)
Results of First IUI: BFN
Currently Awaiting Next Cycle...
He's a jerk.
I'm not exactly an expert, but one of the crucial things that everyone with a functioning open relationship says is that in order to have trust without exclusivity, both people have to be on board with everything, every time, all the time. You said no to something, and he did it anyway, right in your house. That is not a guy you can trust, whether he's sleeping with other women or not. And now he's being an @ss and punishing you for not letting him do whatever he wants with whoever he wants. AND he's a sh*t father, leaving you to do all the childrearing.
All he is at this point is an extra paycheck, which you can get anyway in the form of child support. What's keeping you here?
Technically, nothing is keeping me here exactly. I mean I'm a little dependent on him due to us only having one car, but other than that, nothing.
I guess part of me is still wanting to make it work. Maybe it's due the the failure of...well my whole love life, that I try to hold on the a failed thing in fear of being alone.
But yeah, I can't stay in this relationship, expecting things to change.
Sit down and talk to him. Maybe it's better if you consider splitting up for awhile to see what it the both of you want.
Not to be harsh, but you committed to an open marriage and are surprised that it didn't work out in the long run?
Honestly, I'm all for battling through everything possible to maintain a marriage commitment, but I honestly think that if this is the only kind of relationship that he promised to, you are both going to have a very hard time finding happiness together or fixing the problems in your relationship. He's going to have to legitimately change his attitude for this to work out, and I don't think you will be able to force that kind of change. And you shouldn't have to change something that you are honestly convicted about just so that he can have his way. The only way out may be the hard way out.
She said SO not DH, does not sound like they are married. Even if they were people change. Just b/c a couple has sex 5 times a week in the beginning doesn't mean one person can hold the other to that forever.
OP sounds like she was having fun with an old BF and was into an open relationship. She got PG and realized that the open, exciting thing she had going was not something she was interested in as a life style. I have to wonder why it was okay with your existing child and not another one, but whats done is done.
It is time to go. This man he clearly does not care about your feelings, he had sex in front of you with another woman after you told him it was not okay. All the while you were pregnant with his child. He wants everything and you are giving it to him. Stop being a door mat, your done with this and if he is not then he can leave. Take time, stay single and do not engage in another open relationship. Clearly you are not as okay with it as you thought.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
You're a hardcore gamer who loves anime? There are SO MANY MEN who would be all over you. Seriously. Just those two things mean that you are extremely attractive to a large community of men, no matter how you look(which I am sure is perfectly cute)!
Some women pretend to be into these things to get men to "worship" them. Of course, neither the worshipping men(you don't want them) nor the women are the greatest examples of stability, but there are plenty of people who would really appreciate you and your interests.
You seem to think that you're not sexy. You should really examine why that is, and perhaps see a counselor to work on your confidence levels. Lack of confidence is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Do you think because you agreed to an open relationship you agreed to him cheating on you flagrantly and meanly? Yes, that's what he did. All relationships have rules. Some couples aren't upset when the other hugs, or even kisses, someone else. For other couples that's COMPLETELY inappropriate. An open relationship is just another level of that, but it definitely has rules. You told him where your boundaries were, he agreed, and then he violated them. Period.
Don't stay because you're scared or stuck or don't think you can do better. This man isn't treating you well. He isn't treating your kids well. You deserve better (and I agree the gaming and anime make you pretty hot stuff to a lot of men).
Yep, leave him! You deserve better.