Cleaning & Organizing
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My husband is a hoarder!
My husband and I have been together almost eight years (married almost 1 year) and we've been living together practically our entire relationship. He's always been kinda messy and I do most of the cleaning. It's annoying but I can deal and he has gotten better over the years. However, since we started renting a house almost 3 years ago, his collection of outside junk has grown. There's a boat in our driveway that he never takes out. It has become the hangout for all of the neighborhood cats and even has plants growing out of it. He insists he's going to trash the boat and sell the motor but I've been hearing tha promise for about 2 years now. Even his friend (co-owner of the boat) doesn't know why he hasn't gotten rid of it yet. His mother's car has been rotting in our backyard for a couple of years now. She's given us the title and I want to junk it because it's another "project" that he hasn't touched. It basically needs everything under the hood replaced which would cost more than what it's worth. He also insists on keeping it. There are 3 grills in our backyard - 2 propane, 1 charcole. Only the charcole one gets used. The large propane was given to us by my parents thinking my husband would want to scrap it. Instead, he wants to try to fix it and sas he just needs to get a couple of pieces for it. He hasn't even looked up anything on it. The small propane hasn't been used since we got the charcole grill a few months go and is just rusting away. There are 2 motorcycles that don't work siting in our shed. More untouched "projects". Not to mention other random pieces lying around the property. Our landlord is a very nice old man and has ben very patient wit us despite his constant friendly reminders to clean up. He mentions the exact same things that I've been nagging DH to get rid of but he just dosn't care! You would think that since he's hearing it from people other than me that he would actually do something about it! I'm so frustrated and don't know what to do anymore. I almost wish we were living in an apartment again just so he couldn't have a reason to keep all of this crap. We want to buy a house eventually but I'm worried that will give him more reason to collect even more junk! If I haul al of this out myself, I'll never hear the end of it. Any advice is welcomed!
Re: My husband is a hoarder!
Get rid of them on your own. OR, have your landlord threaten to evict you guys to get your DH into gear so he gets rid of the junk.
Rakle is right: hoarding is a psychological condition.
My mother is a serious hoarder. She hoards books, craft projects, pictures, childhood toys, jewellery she's allergic to, everything.
I used to take piles of cookbooks into the lounge and tell her, "I'm getting rid of some of these because I would like more cooking space." She'd grumpily tear her eyes from the television screen and would start going through cookbooks, trying to save them on grounds that they had interesting recipes (that she never in the end cooked). For months afterwards she'd find ways to slip barbed comments into conversation about how I shouldn't have got rid of her recipe books.
She got ill maybe 2 years ago and while she was in the hospital Dad and I tidied up the house especially their bedroom as it was considered that maybe part of her illness was from how unhygienic it was in there. We fumigated, disinfected, tidied, everything.
When she got out of the hospital, and saw what we'd done, i.e. making her room look nice, she was furious with us because we'd got rid of some of her things that she'd not touched for years. She was frankly unbearable and made sharp nasty comments for months afterwards if she felt that she couldn't find anything because we might have thrown it away (though sometimes it was more that she'd lost it in her mess of a hobby room.) She nagged dad sometimes until he'd replace things that we'd got rid of to save space such as a foot spa that she'd used maybe once in all the years she'd had it, and i think she's used the new one once so far too.
So yep, good luck and be careful. It's well worth researching ways to get through their hoarding problems.
H
I see this thread is a few months old but hope it's ok if I chime in. I am in the same situation. We lived together for a while but he always kept a room at his parent's place, which was really messy and he was constantly going through 'sorting' projects, which would leave half the room clean and the other half would stay a mess because he wouldn't finish. Now this is happening in our house. To make it worse, when his parents moved to a smaller place, all that stuff from his room there came to our house. There were not too many big objects because we live in a condo but boxes and boxes of sentimental stuff. He thoroughly does enjoy looking at it and going through it, and I don't mind him keeping it, but it's so messy and takes up space.
If that were the only thing, that might be ok. But he has tons and tons of clothes. There are constantly clothes piled up in 'his room' which I've given him to try to keep the messiness out of the rest of the house, but I don't care about that room. It's when the clothes start piling up in the bedroom that I get frustrated. Why not put them in dresser drawers or closets, you might think. But guess what's in there- junk! aka stuff he's saved like papers, broken cameras, buttons, cords he doesn't know what they go to. It took me a while to realize this, and finally I looked in his dresser and three drawers were full of junk and I was like, no wonder his clothes are piled everywhere. He constantly wants to get rid of clothes, and seems like he's always working on it. Stuff does go out, but the process is slow, and in the meantime he's bought more clothes! On top of that, he also picks up furniture he sees by the road or in people's bulk trash that he thinks we can use, computers, chairs, desks, etc when we already have too much. So even if something he found is nice, then I have to figure out how to rid of our own things to make room.
And finally, sometimes I see hoarders on tv, and they are really neat, albeit usually worse off. But that's not the case here. I mean to be fair he wants the place to be clean, and is always working on some sorting/cleaning project (that may or may not have results). At the same time, our car is filthy. (Luckily I commute on the train,) He gets fast food and instead of throwing away the bags, he tosses them in the back until the trash piles up and eventually I have to clean it. If if he opens a package, or removes a lid or cap, he does not throw it away, he leaves it on the counter or wherever he removed it. I always just go through and throw this stuff away. Sometimes it's too gross for me to deal with for example I just found a pile of old cigarettes that has to be at least a few months worth on our back porch. They are moved into a neat pile, but why not throw them away?? I don't think he means to leave stuff for me to clean up, it's just like he can't part with it, even if it's trash. Maybe it's the permanence of it. He definitely got it from his mom & her side of the family.
I guess I'm venting a lot here, but I'm just not sure what to do. I nag him a lot (he says) but not enough in my opinion. He feels like it's never enough, but I explained that by the time he's cleaned up one thing, another thing has started. And I am not a neat freak, in many past relationships, I've been the messy one. He does want things to be nice and works on things on his own sometimes but not until it gets to be overwhelming. But he says he'd be perfectly happy living in a mess. I am almost positive he wouldn't go to therapy for it, so if that is out, do I just clean and nag the rest of my life? I am away from home 13 hours a day for work so I am just so exhausted trying to keep up with this. And I want to get a house cleaner to help out, but I'm worried that with all the clutter, they won't be able to clean. Any ideas?! Does any one know if a house keeper charges more if your house is clutter-y? I'm not rich by any means so getting someone to clean the house twice a month would be pricey for me, but maybe it's worth it for the sanity. It's just a constant project, and I'm not the most naturally organized person myself so it's a challenge. Also, have to add, he has many many great qualities and I really love him.
Izzy and Baby A ~ Adorable Punks
Different personality types, or mindsets need different methods for dealing with problems.
My husband and I both grew up with parents that had serious trouble throwing things away, and hoarders in the extended family. As a result, we are both determined that we WON'T live like that. We recently got married, and moving him in has been quite a challenge. Even though he doesn't want to live like his parents, he does still have a LOT of stuff, and collections (he's a collector, and a nerd....books, cameras, comic books, action figures, etc.) that we don't have room for. I am very blessed because he doesn't feel the need to keep everything anymore, and is willing to go through things and cut out and weed down collections, or eliminate them completely. Since he put a lot of money into them over the years, and some things are worth quite a lot, we're not just getting rid of them, but sorting and selling. It's very time consuming, and it is very messy in the meantime. With my husband, the biggest problem is that he gets distracted. What he needs from me is lots of love, patience, reminders, and help setting goals. Telling him that he has 1 week to go through X pile is a big help to him, and he appreciates it.
Your husband seems to be in a very different place, so I don't think that making demands, or deadlines will necessarily be a good thing. Another commenter suggested counseling, and I think this is something that should be considered. Women are mentally and emotionally affected by our surroundings much more than men are. It might work if you can explain to him how unsettled, or bothered you feel, and that for the sake of your health, and the health of your relationship, some changes need to be made.
Not all men are excited about the idea of counseling, especially if they know that you think they have a problem, but maybe just suggesting it will show him how serious you are, and how much you need him to work on it.