Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Mother problems (long... sorry!)
My mom and I have had a troubled relationship for a few years now. The older I get the more I realize how controlling she can be. When my husband and I were dating, she didn't think I should be with him and would often tell me that I could do better. She wouldn't help plan the wedding, but would get mad when I would do things without her (i.e. order invitations, pick a location, etc.). We ended up paying for our wedding and did a destination wedding. She didn't even say she was coming until a month before. She bad mouthed my husband and I so much that no one on my side of the family (besides her) even came.
Now, I'm married and we don't spend a lot of time together. We can't go on vacations together because we did that once and she and my step-dad called me into a room and proceeded to lecture me for an hour about how "competitive" my husband was being (long story, but we were swapping stories about an event and not trying to "one up" anyone). We went out to eat with my in-laws once and it turned into a fight were everyone left angry because she told my in-laws how rude she thought their son was. We get together every other month or so.
My husband and I just bought our first house and we are thrilled about it! We have been married for almost 4 years and have been saving like crazy to get it and my mom knows this. I have involved her in the process and even asked her to help me with a form since she works with lawyers. I asked her when she wanted to come over/ when they were available. She said to just let her know when we were settled. We moved in a couple weeks ago. The weekend we moved in my mom and step dad were in NC for my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. We were planning on moving everything ourselves, but my in-laws ended up coming to help us out. A few days after the move, my mom asked how it went. I told her about how my in-laws ended up helping us unload the Uhaul, but we still had boxes everywhere. I told her how much we loved our house and couldn't wait for her to come over and see it. She sent me a message back saying how upset she was that my in-laws helped us move when she had asked if we needed anything. She said she feels like my in-laws are more involved than she is (we see them the same amount because they live an hour and a half away). She said she knew my husband didn't like her, but that she had been trying to get along and then she said, "I hope you're happy and enjoy your new home". I haven't heard from her since that message last Wednesday. I sent her a message back explaining that they were out of town and that's why we didn't ask and that I wanted her to come over. She didn't respond. I emailed her the next day to try to talk things through with her and she didn't respond. Just because my in-laws saw our house first, she now won't talk to me and she doesn't want to come over. I don't understand.
She is throwing a graduation party for my brother this weekend, but she won't talk to me, so I don't know if I'm still invited. I told her a month ago we would be there. I don't want to make things worse by not going, but I don't want her to be offended if I go when she didn't want me to be there. It is at a restaurant and she is paying for everyone. My grandparents, an aunt I haven't seen since I was three, and another aunt is going to be there. I feel like it is a no win situation for me. If I don't go, she will be mad that I said I would and didn't come. If I go, she will be mad that she has to pay for me.
I don't know what to do. I want her to see my house. I want to spend time with them this weekend to celebrate my brother's graduation. I have tried several times to contact her. I don't have any idea how to handle this!
Any advice would be very helpful!
Re: Mother problems (long... sorry!)
When I hear about behavior like this, I often wonder if the offending party has a personality disorder and/or emotional or mental problem.
I personally can't see playing cat and mouse with somebody like this and continually being party to that person's horrid behavior.
I'd tell her "Mom, I love you but not how you treat me or my H. Until you can act like and adult and treat me the way I need to be treated, I'm ending contact with you" and then do it.
She sounds nuts. As i said, personality disorder or some type of behavioral problem. Sorry for your troubles.
I wonder about something like that too. She is on her 3rd marriage and has had trouble in that relationship as well. I worry about how she always has relationship problems with someone. If it isn't me then it is someone at work or my step dad or her parents or one of her sisters. There is always drama around her.
You are right. My husband thinks I should not worry about her when she gets like this. He comes to expect it. He tends to be in the "you can't change her behavior" mindset, which is correct. Like you said, maybe my expectations for her are too high.
We always point out when the Husband is the real problem.
With that said, you my dear are in fact the problem here.
Stop. Re read what you posted.
You are allowing your mother to behave this way. You have to stand up to your mother and tell her to knock it off. She is absolutely terrible to your H. I can't fathom making my H see someone who told his parents and family what she did.
I'd also explain to her that from now on you aren't explaining yourself. Like isn't fair and she isn't going to always get equal time or whatever. You don't OWE her anything and you owe her even less until she starts treating your husband with respect.
You and he drop her like the proverbial hot potato and do it NOW --- and I am sure you put up with her insults and barbs for years, long before you met your H.
That alone merits therapy. Get yourself some and help yourself; this has been years of this mess of hers and it's taken a toll on you.
My husband is definitely not the problem at all, I agree with you there. He doesn't want to be around her and as much as I hate that we aren't that close, I can't blame him at all.
I think you are also right that I allow a lot. I think I feel as though I owe her something because she is my mom. She says all the time that I'm forgetting about my family.. meaning her, my brother, and step dad. It makes me feel guilty.
Yeah, it has been going on for awhile. I was on anxiety medicine when I met my husband. He is great and helped me through a lot. My husband thinks we might need a "break" from her as well. He is worried about how things will be once we have children. If she is doing all this over a house, what will happen with children?!
This is no example for the kids. And even if your mother is *civil* to you when the kids are around, kids are very intuitive...they will know that something is wrong with the entire picture.
Don't subject anyone to your mother's behavior.
It's had a horrible affect on you and it will be the same for your kids.
The only person you owe anything to is your H. He is your family now and he comes first. Show her this and she will learn. If she doesn't then cut her off.
I don't know what vows you took when you married your husband, but I am pretty sure there was something along the lines of " To put above all others and let no one come between." You, my dear, are not upholding the promises you made to your husband on your wedding day. She is rude and abusive towards your husband and you are bending over backwards to make sure she isn't mad at you ? Why ? Yes, I know you will say because she is your mom, but so what. You are grown woman now and have higher priorities than making sure she is happy with you.
Listen, there is something wrong with your mom. She has a history of being self absorbed, dramatic, and pretty much looks for opportunities to make someone else the bad guy. She isn't going to change. Do you understand that ? She isn't going to change. She wasn't interested when you got married, she wasn't interested when you bought a home and she will not be interested when you have a baby. This is who she is. She isn't the loving, encouraging and doting mother you deserve. She instead is a selfish person who wants everyone else's lives to revolve around her. If there is anyway she can make herself the martyr or hurt one, she will find it.
Please listen to everyone's advice and seek professional help on how to handle someone with this kind of personality.
My mother is exactly like this - very passive aggressive and you are playing right into her hands with this.
Every time you call, text and email you are giving her an opportunity to hurt you by actively ignoring you. She knows that she is keeping you on eggshells and she loves it. Stop giving that to her. Stop calling to apologize, stop texting - the ball is in her court. Leave it there. You might not hear from her for years. Anything has to be better than this constant torment she is dishing out to you.
Here's what I would do:
1. email your mother and cc (not bcc) your little brother that you and H are really excited about his graduation and looking forward to his graduation dinner - Mom, what time is it at (name of restaurant) again?
This way, you have it in writing that you confirmed that you were going, and it has been sent to your little brother as well, so she can't say that nothing was ever sent, blah blah blah. She will either ignore it, at which point a few days later you email again, cc'ing your little brother saying Hey, I haven't heard from you in a few days - could you please let me know the details of bro's graduation dinner?
She's now looking like the in the situation, and will probably just tell you the time and expect you there.
Then you go. You have fun, you act like nothing happened, you lavish all of your attention on your brother and your aunt and your grandparents and you and your husband are the perfect dinner guests. Any tension is on her, and if she wants to badmouth you afterward to the people there she will look insane.
Worst case scenario - she responds and tells you that you are no longer welcome, well, little brother knows that you were really happy for him and looking forward to it, no harm no foul on your part. You then call your brother and tell him that you're sorry you can't make it, but you and mom are going through something right now and you invite him to celebrate with you and your husband privately another time.
2. About the issue overall with your mother - you need to learn the phrase "'I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that. Seriously. You don't owe her a bloody explanation and apology over your inlaws helping you freaking MOVE! Just step back for a minute and think about how NUTS that sounds! Take her silence as her needing time to cool off - and give it to her. She knows that you will come back and chase her, on your knees to get back into her good graces. Think of how surprised she will be when you don't?
Then she will eventually come back with it being YOUR fault that the two of you haven't spoken - somehow this will be your fault, you can be sure of that. That's where the line "I'm sorry you feel that way" comes in. Toss in a "you made it seem as though you needed some space" and then change the subject. Don't accept blame, don't get into those circular conversations with her.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk