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Friends lack of respect. (Long sorry)
Ok so I am in need of some advice about my roommate. My husband and I bought a house a year ago and had a dear friend move in with us. He was working part time and going to school so his funds were low. We all agreed he would pay $300 a month. Low, but he is never home so it is no big deal. Also I know what your all thinking ?Married with a roommate?? The thing is we wanted the extra help getting the house in shape and so the deal was his $300 a month and he needed to help on projects around the house. Well this worked great for a year. He was gone M-Sat from 8 am to 10pm. He hardly ever brought people over and if he did it was only for a few minutes to an hour. Great. He was a man who believed in respect, manners, and God.
However as of late he has been starting to talk about the girls he see?s in a very disgusting manner. Not away to talk to another women and I have expressed my disgust for this behavior, he just finds it funny. He also has started to bring home girls. They come around for 2 weeks then he is on to the new girl. Bringing me to this past week. He has a new flavor of the month whom has spent 6 out of 7 days at my house. She spends the night, acts drunk, and uses my hot water. (We need a new water heater so this is a big deal when you are not paying me to use it.) My husband and I both agree that he doesn?t pay enough in rent to make our home is sex den. I told him that she can come over just not every day. We are very private people and we don?t just let random people in our home. This guy knows me, I have no problem saying what is on my mind and tossing people out of my life if they don?t respect me and my boundaries. He kept bring her over even after I said not to. Last night he asked if she could stay again, (after we just got done talking about how it bothers us.) I said no that I felt she is slowly moving in (she brought all her girly products over.) What does he do, he comes home and sneaks her into his room. Seriously I wanted to bang down the door and toss them both out.
My husband and I really care for our friend but the total lack of respect can?t be over looked. Are we being crazy for feeling this way? I mean I just don?t want bunch of drama in my home and this girl lives with her ex. It is a ticking time bomb of drama. Also when you live in someone?s home, who is married, and did you a real solid for letting you live there for so cheap so you don?t have to live at your moms, one would think you would respect the house rules. I don?t want to lose my friend, but I am sure if he stays I will lose my mind all over him. Advice please on how to handle this. I can be very blunt and have zero filter. The only reason I didn't go nuts last night was I had to wait for my husband to get home to talk about it. Sorry for this being so long, just wanted the facts out there.
Re: Friends lack of respect. (Long sorry)
Oh I like that. It is kind of what we were going to say anyway. I do understand he pays rent, but he pays rent for him to live there not for every one of his dates to come sleep every night and shower. I do understand that he is a grown man, but he is a grown man living in someone?s home. And I am sorry $300 for everything is a real good deal in our area. He doesn't have to live here, but he does have to respect when I say no ?In my home? I mean no, not sneak her in behind my back. Thank you Nest Cayla for the advice. I think you are right we are in a really good place and my DH got a raise so we can hire help around the house if we need it now. It?s not worth losing a friend and straining my marriage over.
Yes, it is your house, but it is his too. He pays to live there, at an amount you both agreed to. So even though it may be cheap, he is fulfilling his obligations as a tenant. I don't think it is ok for you to try and impose rules on him like he is your kid. He's not. You are being unreasonable on that point. It isn't like he is a guest in your home.
That being said, it is pretty obvious this landlord-tenant relationship has run its course and you need to ask him to move out. And you need to give him reasonable notice. Depending on your state, it may be up to 30 days notice. Hopefully your talk with him goes well and he agrees to leave. I definitely think that you should avoid any judgments of his behavior when you have this talk. That is not productive and is only going to cause tension.
Yep. If you don't like it, kick him out.
Give him a deadline to be out of your home and if he's not out by then, put his stuff outside on the curb and change the locks.
This friend is no friend at all.
You also rented a room to ONE PERSON. Not TWO...and not somebody else who more or less unofficially lives there full time.
People are acting that way because you are treating him like a child. He's a grown adult paying an agreed upon amount to live in a particular place. Grown adults often have company spend the night. Sometimes lots of nights. Unless you have a signed contract with him stating that it would not happen, he's not doing anything wrong and you're the one being unreasonable. You can ask him not to have her over every night. But he is also completely in the right if he decides to ignore that request. If you are very private and don't want strangers in your home. you should not have a roommate.
Just give him notice and ask him to leave. It's not working out for either of you. You feel uncomfortable in your home and he's getting parented by a peer.
And by the way I've seen lots of apartment leases and have never seen anything about how long guests can stay. Lots of things saying where they can park but never anything about how long they can stay.
FWIW, every lease I've ever signed has had a provision about overnight guests - something like after 3 nights/mo, they have to be put on the lease. I've always ignored it, but that's beside the point. I don't think it's that uncommon. However, it sounds like there's no lease, so that hasn't been agreed upon and can't be expected.
OP, I think PPs have given you good advice, just tell him you no longer want to lease to him.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussI wouldn't be happy w/ this situation either, but I agree- he's paying rent and he's an adult. If you didn't establish rules around overnight guests before, then too bad. Time to ask him to move out.
But I'm going to address something that stood out to me. You talk a LOT about respect - towards you and your DH. But you also talk about how you say what's on your mind, you can be blunt and have no filter.
Do you feel that being blunt and having no filter comes off as "respectful" to other people?
The answer to that is "probably not". And my point is - respect is a 2 way street. You want respect? You need to give it too.
And this is coming from a person who can also be pretty blunt. But I've learned over the years that there are times to be blunt, there are times to sugar coat your words, and there are times to just shut up and not say anything at all. And this ALL comes from making an effort to be respectful to other people.
You hide behind the "i'm just blunt - that's how I am" - and you're going to end up hurting people and making THEM feel like they aren't being respected by you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Well first I am happy to report we talked and he agreed that he was having her over to much and that it was something he should have talked to us about. He understood this is not a lease thing this was my DH and I taking him in when he could no longer stay where he was. So though some on here didn't understand our agreement I am very glad he did. We agree that she could stay 2 nights a week and then he just needs to give us a heads up. It was just a shock going from him not bringing anyone over to bringing them over all the time. Also the fact in the past he had always been so good about letting us know what?s going on. So we are all happy with the agreement and I even said once we feel more comfortable with her we can address more time. I think I just did not do a good job explaining our agreement. We said yes only after he tried every other option and with the sole understanding that while in our house he is to stay in school and work. That he is here as long as he respected the fact we were trying to create a family friendly environment. Thanks again to those who gave some good advice minus the lecture.