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Thoughts on therapy (long story)
Around the first week of April I was visiting my boyfriend, and after a day or two there was a distinct tension between us. He has always been a very vocal and affectionate person,and we were barely interacting, so I pulled him aside and asked if he wanted to be with me. It was just the question that was sitting in gut. To shorten this up, his concern was that I was focused on us and he felt I needed something going for myself. We talked it over and decided to take a break so I could work on myself essentially. He refused to call it a break up, but that's what it was.
The terms were that we wouldn't see each other, and when I felt I had things in my life sorted out, we would meet up and see if there was still, for lack of a better term, a spark. I wanted to know what I was getting myself into, and asked if he intended to see other people. He said he did not and was not interested in sleeping with/dating anyone else. But to be safe, I suppose, due to the fact we didn't know the length of time this would go on for, we decided that if we were going to move on, we'd let each other know.
In general, I felt this relationship was over. I didn't want it to be, but I don't believe on dwelling on something you can't have, so I continued to live with my family member and kept pursuing a job, while also looking into other things to get myself involved with in the mean time. For about a week we didn't talk and from then he just seemed to get a bit...agitated. We ended up having a lengthy conversation, which basically came down to him being confused/upset because I appeared, according to facebook (trivial, I know) happier than I was when I was with him. I told him that I took what he had said about needing something for myself to heart and felt refreshed, but I didn't feel joyful because I was no longer with him. From that conversation on, he was very focal about missing me. We talked more often, and we in general just communicated better with each other, but I felt like he was holding back something.
One day I asked him if something was wrong, and in response he just said he missed me and he didn't text and call more often because he felt he was bothering me. I explained to him that he wasn't a bother, and he could talk to me anytime he wanted. In response I received: 'I am still in love with you. I never try and blow up your phone with texts, but I do want to keep talking to you. I'm still investing that we're getting back together.'
And to that I explained that it seemed to me at first that he had no interest in talking to me, so I didn't hold my breath in hoping for us to get back together. Now he was singing a different tune, and now I had to readjust again. So he needed to decide what he wanted and start being open and consistent about it.
He then explained that he was sorry he seemed all over the place. He said: "At first I was being a recluse, just keeping everything to myself. Then I started to miss you. Seriously miss you. My bed is too big and I'm not right without you. Being away from you have affirmed my feelings for you more, as screwed up as that sounds. I'm just starting to see things from a different light recently. I don't know how to explain it. You're someone special to me and I hold you dear to my heart."
Since then our communication has only gotten better, but I worry that his tendency to keep things to himself will become a reoccurring issue.
I'm familiar with the board, and I know people are likely to tell me to break up with him or try to focus on something else in my explanation, but my real focus is how to move forward together and improve our relationship.
Would this be the sort of thing therapy could help, just himself or as a couple?
I've thought about discussing it with him.
Has anyone had a similar situation, what worked for you?
Re: Thoughts on therapy (long story)
Honestly? I'd move on. He's not going to change and you've already been through a lifetime of baggage with this person. He broke up with you so YOU would change? Why are you stuck staying with this person? Are you going to individual counseling yourself? I think that's a great place to start.
What happens when you get in a rut again and he wants you to leave? You're going to be in the same place. You both do not have a healthy dynamic. And honestly, I have been in your place and it did not work out. We dated a long time, took a break and I began to work on myself and we tried to get back together, but I wanted more out of a relationship.
Move on. This is only a boyfriend; you can do much much better than this guy.
Am I missing something? Why did you need a break to work on yourself? I do not really understand. It makes sense if someone is not in a place to form a relationship for someone to pull back, but I don't really get that sense from your post.
To be honest I wonder if he has been flip flopping because there is or was someone else. He either realized that you meant more or the other girl did not work out, so he is back to you. it is long distance so that is something to consider.
if you really want to make it work I would suggest you find a counselor and figure out why you needed and accepted a break in the first place. Take a real break and do what you seemed to think was needed when this all started. He sounds very insecure and that is a problem, he can figure it out or not, but that is not on you. Personally I would not work to get back together, but if you want to get yourself in a good place first.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
To me, it seems like he is keeping you on a string in case he wants you again, but that he hasn't necessarily had some kind of Come to Jesus revelation. He flat out told you that he wanted you to move on and better yourself, and then when you did it, he gets upset and throws a little fit, withholding his calls because you are having fun. That's very immature. I hope you realize that and are upset that he basically said "Yeah, it's you. I'm already awesome."
That being said, I think I would continue to focus on yourself, but if you want to remain open to him, that's your call. Even if you do want to give him another chance, you still need to continue to improve yourself and make him prove himself to you. Let him show you that he is serious. And I don't mean middle of the night woe-is-me texts. I mean him asking to come visit you, having him talk about why he felt the need for this break, and how he knows it won't happen again. And absolutely do NOT change any major plans for this guy until he has proven himself. Continue to spend time with family and friends and work towards a job you love.
If I am going to be perfectly honest, dating shouldn't be this dramatic, confusing and difficult.
I don't see a healthy future here and would move on.
I didn't read the other comments because what you are saying spoke to me on a personal level. First I am not going to tell you to breakup, that call is yours alone. I have known my now husband for 10 years, married only 2. When we met we were 16 and passionate in love, like to an unhealthy point. When we graduated we both felt like other then each other we didn't have a lot to offer. So we broke up, I moved to CA he joined the army. We still spoke and were still in love, but had to move on and find out who we were. It took us getting back together and breaking up a few more times before we really were ready to say we were ready. My point is people grow and change, though some say people don?t change, I disagree. Letting each other go was the hardest thing we both have ever done. He was my rock and I his. It sounds like the break was eye opening for both of you. I wouldn't stress this new found love with therapy just yet. Just keep doing what you guys are doing talking, connecting, and listen. If he starts to slip away tell him how you feel let him see how it is making you feel. But for now enjoy each other and show him how much you love where you guys are at. No one can say what will happen, but why ruin your time now worrying about something that may not happen. You will fight and have problems that?s just life. But when you have something special you will fight for it. I wish you both many happy days.
I just had a question, did he specifically say what you needed to work on while you separated? What evidence would you be able to show in order for him to be satisfied? This drives me nuts, because it seems like you're being tested, but won't know what you can do that will make you "pass" or "fail" in his eyes. (That was a terrible analogy, sorry :P)
Regarding why I need to work on myself, I do have depression. Its something I do struggle with, and my boyfriend never knew how debilitating it could be until the winter months hit, which do tend to be rougher for me. I withdrew a lot of friends and activities. I'm doing a lot better now, but it was an issue for a time, and I do manage my depression better when I'm more involved.
I did ask if there was someone else as I did question the possibility, he did say he wasn't. Taking people on their own doesn't mean they didn't do it, but he was very willing to answer any questions I had and wasn't defensive. He works a 9-11, six days a week job, and I was always present on his day off. This isn't to say it wasn't possible, I just find it unlikely.
I accepted a break because we are both young and I believe time apart to reflect is a good thing. It was a short period of time, but I certainly haven't stopped working on involving myself in more things to keep me busy.
Thank you for your advice.
This is how I've come to view relationships, its refreshing to have someone not so willing to dismiss him just because he's my boyfriend and not my husband. Thank you for your thoughts and well wishes.
"From my experience, when someone suggests therapy to a partner (individual), they can sometimes get defensive and think you're suggesting there is something wrong about him."
This is what I am trying to avoid. We both accept that we have things we could improve on as individuals and as a couple, but don't know where to do from there.
As far as working on things, he felt because I couldn't find a job, I didn't have anything to keep myself busy with aside from "us". I think in a way I was probably feeding into my depression this way, so I feel there was nothing wrong with that he said. It get what you mean, it did drive me nuts until I had a better picture of what I was striving for myself.
I'm on the fence about this whole thing. I do believe that couples can take breaks and come back together stronger in the end - you know "distance makes the heart grow fonder." So I don't believe all hope is lost here. The only thing that concerns me is your depression. It doesn't simply go away. While you've been working on managing it (which is fantastic), there is no guarantee that a slump isn't going to rear it's ugly head again. What is he going to do then? What are you going to do? What impact will that have on your relationship? This is an extreme generalization but is he going to want to take a break every winter when you start to detach? That's concerning.
Committing to someone with depression is a hard choice to make. I wonder if he's simply not up to the task? But this short period of distance is playing with his heart and mind? I don't think enough time has gone by for you to truly get a grasp on your issues - are you taking medication, seeking therapy for yourself? I worry that he's flipping the script now because he simply misses you and/or is lonely?
It's tough. No one knows for sure where this will go. You need to make the choice that you think is best. If you do choose to re-kindle the relationship, I would proceed with caution. Continue to manage your issues in a healthy, constructive way. I just wouldn't be surprised if he does this again. If you're concerned that you can't handle that let-down a second time, I would eliminate the risk altogether and move on.
Best of luck to you whatever you decide.
I was officially diagnosed in 2009, but have been dealing with it since late 2007.
I've been on several medications/combinations. Done therapy with several different therapists. I just find that its best managed when I'm involved in things I love and employed.
He is, however, unfamiliar with the disease and its something we've learned we have to communicate better about.
Back when my fiance and I were about to start college, we had been dating for about 7-8 months. However, we had been best friends since we were 3, and next door neighbors to boot. So, needless to say, we spent A LOT of time together over the years. When we initially went to college, we took a break for a few months (this wasn't really officially established, and I wasnt really a willing party at the time). I think about all of what I was dealing with at the time, since I too was depressed due to past abuse/alcoholism from my family. Eventually, my fiance and I carried on a long-distance relationship for 4 years (throughout college). In this context and in retrospect, this time apart is why we are likely still together. We needed room to grow and also to grow up. This time apart allowed my fiance to grow up a little on his own and later allowed him to support me in the way that I needed when it came to my depression due to my family issues.
That said, our circumstances and relationships are not one in the same, so whatever the status of your relationship is, it is what you are comfortable with. Since you mentioned that you and your partner are still young, this time apart may run its course in many different ways. But I agree with what you said earlier, find things that are rewarding and engaging to you, so that the relationship doesn't become the only source of support.
I agree with what you had said in your initial post, it doesn't seem like the time off was with the intention of him getting with another person. I think that he genuinely wanted to take a break so that you could focus on healing yourself before adding the responsibility of his well-being in the context of your relationship. However, I think his sudden communication that he misses you is maybe HE is worried that you will move on once you heal. It seems like you are both on the same page that you don't want to lose each other.
I hope this is helpful, and best of luck.
I found your entire post to be helpful and insightful. I appreciate it very much.