Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Concerned for a best friend and for our relationship
Hi everyone,
I'm relatively new to posting, but I have something to ask that deserves a woman's perspective (sadly most of my friends are male and don't get girlfriend issues)
My best friend is someone that I have known for almost 10 years. She was a great source of support, funny, confident...all those wonderful things about a best friend. But, the last few years, our relationship hasn't been all the great. There are likely so many factors that are contributing to this, and i'll explain without making this post practically a novel.
Since college, she has lost a significant amount of that confidence that I found so wonderful about her. She transferred to a large 4-year college that had a lot of demands that were too much for her (she ended up graduating after 5 years though, proud to say), and she has been repeatedly trying to apply for vet school, which she has been rejected for two years in a row now. She isn't able to reevaluate what she wants out of her career, or to find alternative ways to get what she wants, instead its like she hits a brick wall, over and over again expecting it to give. It's really hard to see her struggle so much, and to see her setting herself up for failure...
And speaking of setting herself up for failure...the same goes with her love life. Her feeling insecure about school/career and herself in general has infiltrated her love life. she has been in a string of bad relationships and never gives herself time to heal between (after the last relationship ended, she started dating her boss 5 days later who I might add is almost 16 years older than her). Although I'm uncomfortable with the power imbalance in the relationship, I mind my own business and tell her I am happy for her that she is happy. I told her initially my concerns: that he was her boss, and that developmentally, there are in very two different places. But I realize that its her life. The thing that is concerning me now is that they're talking about marriage and have only been dating for three months. She is 23, he is 39. It's like watching a train wreck, because she is repeating past behavior and i think the relationship will end. Again...I just have to tell myself its her business.
The problem in all of this, is that all of these issues that she has been going through have really affected her ability to be a good and mutual friend to me. When she is going through a relationship crisis, it's imperative for her to talk to me and I become important to her. But when there's nothing going on, it's like pulling teeth to get her to even hang out with me for like...an hour lunch or something. I have expressed my feelings to her about the state of our friendship several times as calmly as possible (although I usually end up crying...sometimes I feel like it has to get to that point for her to listen to me). Things change for a few weeks, but it ultimately goes back to the same old stuff.
Things really came to a head this past year. I am in graduate school full time, that requires me to go to an internship 22 hours per week in addition to going to classes. Put this on top of my job and my relationship responsibilities with my fiance...and I am a relatively busy person. However, when my friend has a crisis, I have always put other things aside to support her. So this year, my fiance threw a birthday party for me and invited all of my close friends. I was really looking forward to my friend coming (she said she was). But, two days before my birthday, she told me that she was no longer coming and was going to Atlantic city with her boyfriend. I was pretty devastated.
I know what you may all be thinking, "getting mad over a birthday party is really juvenile, etc." Commence more back story...I grew up in a very abusive home with two of my parents alcoholics (my dad and stepmom). Birthdays were often miserable times for me, and I was never able to really, celebrate one. So my fiance really wanted to make this birthday special. (I had a good time anyway) My friend knows all this. My friend was also going to be my maid of honor for my wedding, but this moment showed me that I really couldn't depend on her to be there for me for important moments. I had a talk with her and said that I wasnt comfortable with her being my maid of honor if i cant even trust her to show up to important events. I still have her in my bridal party though, as I want her to have an important place in my wedding.
So long explanations aside, my question is, how much can I really expect from her? She's going through a lot of issues that I know don't have anything to do with me, but they affect our relationship so much. Should I continue to be supportive and hang in there while she sorts through her issues, or should I just slowly end the friendship? Since she's made it clear through her actions (not just the birthday) that I'm not really a priority in her life even though she still names me as her best friend.
Is this just an age-thing? Are we just growing apart? She's 23 and I'm 24 (we're 6 months apart) and I've always been a "insert age going on 50" type person. Is her struggles in her life just likened to being a typical 23 year old? Ahh, I'm confused. I really care about her, hell, I will say that I love her as a treasured friend, but I also want to take care of myself too and make sure my needs are met. Help?
Re: Concerned for a best friend and for our relationship
She's 23. You've known her for 10 years, so, since she was 13. I wonder how secure she really was before college or how realistic your view of her actually was. I don't mean to bust on age- but you're both young and I just wonder if you're really actually seeing the "real" her now more so than you did before. Growing up can tend to make us see things more clearly....
That being said - it sounds like you all may be growing apart. It happens.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yep, this.
I understand that I am young and these things will continue to happen. I'm curious if anyone else has gone through something similar (I'm sure many of you have) and how did you handle it?
I'm sure most people here have lost friends along the way. It really is just a part of life. And you will probably go through some form of the "grief process". I can think of 2 people (a couple) who things ended with a few years ago. I can remember a LOT of good times w/ them and when I do, I miss them.
But then, I remember the crappy stuff they did or said and I realize "wow- they really weren't good people".
And in time, it's become easier and easier to remember they just kind of suck instead of missing them!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think it's time to come to the realization that your lives are diverging and taking different directions. It happens to really great friendships sometimes. Real life interferes and causes old friends to become distant.
I had a very best friend in high school into our adult years. We met in freshman year, and were best friends for over 20 years. We had our first children about 18 months apart toward the end of that friendship. I wasn't just friends with her, I was friends with her family as well. I spent HOURS at her kitchen table talking to her parents when I was at her house. We supported each other through the death of my brother, then hers about 3 years later. We were like sisters.
Then, for whatever reason, she simply stopped responding to my calls (this was all back in the late 1980's before email). I tried to get together, and it was never convenient. She was married, had 2 daughters, I was single with my son. I won't lie, it hurt like hell, but I was a busy mom, with a job and other friends. I didn't focus on it. But to be honest, it STILL hurts. Her Dad, who I adored, passed away a couple of years ago. There was a publicly posted "wake" at her house, so I went because I wanted to pay my respects. Her now adult daughters answered the door with "OMG, YOU are Sue?!!?!?!?! ........we've heard so much about you!". I had seen the 2 youngest when they were babies, but had not been around when they were growing up.
My friend knew I was there to support her in her loss, the house was crowded, and I caught up with her siblings & Mom. We shared stories, laughed and cried. We exchanged emails & phone numbers. When I sent her a Facebook "friend request", she accepted. I saw all the pictures of the wedding for one of her daughters last year........sadly, we never reconnected after the wake. Needless to say, I wasn't invited.
It's been over 20 years since we were "best friends". Still hurts. Only because we shared so much in our 20 years of friendship. She was one of the funniest people I ever knew, and we always had a good time. But, I have moved on, and have a wonderful life. So will you. I have other great friends, some for over 40 years. One just became a grandmother again yesterday.
The hard thing to accept is that you want to help your friend, but your relationship is one sided: she needs help, you want to help, but she is not there for you. I'd start to change the dynamics and see what happens. It's always good to have a "heart to heart" if the opportunity arises. But, people change, and life changes people, and sometimes you have to accept that.
Best wishes.
Similar situation for me - my best friend since childhood had a really rough couple of years after high-school and into college. Her long term boyfriend broke up with her, she was struggling with alcohol addiction... her life just went into an absolute tizzy. For a few years there she was obviously very self-absorbed and on a terrible path. While we didn't talk or hang out as often as we used to, I was still there for her. I answered when she called, I walked her home when she showed up at my house sobbing and drunk. I truly loved and cared for her, I couldn't turn my back on her. She is now sober and getting her life on track. We talk weekly, try to hang out once a month (she doesn't live close enough to see each other more often). It was a frustrating time for me during those 5-6 years but I knew she was struggling and I couldn't call myself a friend if I didn't try and support her. I'm not suggesting you would be a bad person if you ended the friendship, it's all about what you can reasonably take from her. Just figured I should give you a different perspective. I should add though, if you do choose to maintain the friendship, adjust your expectations accordingly!
ETA - although your friend isn't dealing with an addiction, this same friend was always extremely insecure. The insecurity absolutely played a role in the alcoholism. Just wanted to add that so there is some correlation between our stories.
I thank you for sharing your stories. Even reading these, it totally resonates with how I feel. It's also interesting to see how different both situations turned out.
Jemma- I imagine catching up must have been a really odd experience. But, I have to admit I got goosebumps when you said that your friend's children had known so much about you. So clearly you made an impact on her life.
Sue- I can only be hopeful that my situation with my friend gets to the point where you and your best friend are. As much as my friend seems to be a glutton for punishment with some of the life choices she's made, I think it speaks volumes about how caring you are that you stood by your friend through an addiction.
Thanks for the support everyone
I think at some points in friendships it's important to take a step back and think about how the person CURRENTLY makes you feel, not how they made you feel five or ten years ago.
People change, not always for the better, and if someone is always there to bail them out when they make mistakes they may never learn to stop making them.
I would say withdraw and let her come to you a little. At this point, that's the only thing left to possibly save the relationship, assuming she might come to her senses and realize she misses you. If that doesn't happen I'd say the friendship wasn't really worth salvaging.
One of my best friends in high school I am no longer good friends with. We went to the same college for a short time, were roomates and she was even a bridesmaid in my wedding, but we just grew apart.
I really don't know what happened, but I realized I just didn't enjoy her company or the way she talked to me. Even phone conversations became exhausting because she is easily offended, opinionated and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells when I talked to her and I could never say what was really on my heart or my mind without judgement or a lecture.
I talked to another mutual friend and she said that our other friend has always been like that so I suppose I never noticed until I was older. I am very grateful for her friendship and the fond memories we shared, but after a while we just grew apart. She didn't do anything to make that happen, it is just our personalities didn't mash together.
:: shrugs::
It happens. A bit sad but it happens.