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I don't like my ring
Hi, I am new to this forum. I am having a slight issue and I hope I dont sound like a snob. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we have talked about marriage, but I have told him I wanted to wait a little while. Anyways, 2 months ago we found we were pregnant!! Shortly after this he started in on the marriage talk again, and how since were having a kid we need to get married. I didn't have a problem with this because I love him, and I wouuld love to marry him, but I don't like the idea of rushing marriage because we have a baby on the way. Anyways, we looked at rings online, and in the stores and I told him the kind of rings I liked. So today he proposed to me, it was nothing crazy, but it was cute, I said yes. After he went to work I looked at the ring, and I honestly do not feel like it is an engagement ring. It looks and feels to me like its more of a promise ring. I have actually had a bigger promise ring in my past, and I'm not saying this to sound stuck up or snobby. It's just I showed him the kind of ring I was interested in and I feel like he just got the most basic ring available. Now we don;t have a lot of money, and I'm not expecting a ring thats a million dollars. But I feel like if he doesn't have enough money to get me a decent ring, he should have waited until he could afford something that I would like better. I thought about maybe saying something along the lines of I;ve been thinking and maybe we should just until we have a little more money, and you can take the ring back and use that money for some things we need (his car broke down right after he left for work). Anyways I was hoping someone could give me some advice on how to handle this, because I love him and I don;t want to hurt his feelings, but I;m a little embarassed by this ring.
Here is a picture of the ring (It's on my pinky because its too small) http://postimg.org/image/o6bpolzh3/full/
Re: I don't like my ring
You don't need a ring at all to get married, or to be engaged. He asked, you said yes, that's it. More importantly, you have a baby on the way now that you plan to raise together, so it's probably time to start thinking about how you'll pay for baby. If this is going to involve joint finances, you need to stop thinking, much less saying, things like, "HE should have waited until HE had more money..."
The bottom line, though, is that it sounds like you two can't really afford even the ring you have. I would suggest sitting down with him to take a hard look at your finances and decide what, if anything, would have been an appropriate amount to spend on a ring. If that's less than he spent, you should take it back. But this is me talking out of concern for your new family's financial solvency, not your vanity.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussLook you don't want to get married. If you really did the ring wouldn't matter.
Yes, that ring has a small diamond but I'm sure that is all he could afford. I have friends that have plans to upgrade their wife's rings in the future when they have more money.
Just because you are having a baby doesn't mean you have to get married. Having a child with someone is already a life long commitment so the horse is already out of the barn. I do hope you realize that getting married isn't as much of a tie to someone as having a child together.
If you don't want to be engaged then give him the ring back and tell him. Just make it about not wanting to marry, not about the ring.
It sounds like you care more about the ring than about getting married... or about raising your child. Honestly, I hate when people jump to getting married because they're knocked up. Talk about compounding your mistakes. You should think long and hard about whether this is the person you really want to marry and if you would have still done so and on this time frame if you hadn't gotten pregnant. Otherwise, I'd be using the time before the birth to work out custody and visitation and child support. You do have to co-parent, if he has any interest in doing so, but you don't have to get married.
Plus, babies are $$$. You don't need a fancy ring the way your baby is going to need diapers and bottles and a crib and everything else.
A ring is not required for an engagement/marriage.
I don't want to sound harsh but - you're being quite hypocritical.
You showed him the rings you liked. This was a signal to him that you indeed wanted a ring. You knew full well that you guys weren't in a position financially to get something "special" or "fancy." He got you a ring he could afford. You don't like it. Now you want to play the "we don't have enough money" card. I just think that's so crappy to do to him. You should have spoke up from jump and said "we don't have enough money to get something I really want, so let's wait."
I think you made your bed at this point.
ETA - I find it hard to believe that he just proposed to you TODAY and this is what you're thinking. Are you sure you want to marry this guy? It just seems to odd to me that just a few short hours after a marriage proposal that you're hung up on the ring..... I could not imagine feeling that way.
I'm not going to comment on what the pps said about babies and rushing into marriage, because I feel like they covered it pretty well themselves.
However, I am going to differ from them. Like you, I knew the proposal was coming, we discussed marriage, and I showed my now-husband what I wanted. I would have married him with or without a ring, but since we were getting a ring and I was usually frugal when it came to jewelry, I wanted it to be special-I'm not really going to get, or even want, other diamond jewelry due to the expense. So I wanted this one ring to be a special diamond(the ring looks basically like yours, but with an awesome man-made diamond).
If he had ignored what I wanted, I would have felt a little gyped, especially since while I was elated to marry him it would have been like, the first thing you're doing is ignoring what I wanted? I knew we were going to get married and when he was going to propose(the proposal was still awesome), but I see where you're coming from.
Of course, if I had wanted a fancy expensive ring it would have been different. It was the combination of a simple ring + security that meant we could get what I wanted. I also helped him pick it + the diamond, though I think he actually would have preferred a little more creative freedom.
Honestly, I would look into upgrading later and keeping the ring for now, or discussing finances with him and determing if you can *afford* a ring, then telling him to surprise you later.
How intimately does he KNOW you???
He doesn't even know what size ring you take????
That's kind of weird, after 2 years, that he doesn't even know that detail. And to me it's not so good.:(
That's the whole thing that is glaring in your post: what respect has he got for your input in anything at all?
My opinion:
You and he are supposed to be a team and everything where it is a decision that involves the both of you needs to be done as a team. That also includes the choice of a ring for you.
He could have gotten you the Hope Diamond at this point but the thing is that he did not consult you in advance.
This is what you need to discuss with him and give a lot of thought to:
How much of a real partner is he and how much of a unified, contiguous team does he form with you???
Don't marry this guy until he gets it what being a team means.
There are many rings you and he can look at -- it need not be a diamond. I myself prefer gemstone rings. What about a gemstone for you?
Sapphires are fabulous; so are rubies and emeralds.
There is also the option of buying a loose stone and then buying or designing a setting of your own. Tons of independent jewelers would give you a good price on a setting that you design yourself.:)
Forget about the ring. Forget that he "didn't listen to what you want". At this point, the material things are subsided and not important.
Per your previous discussions with him, you BOTH agreed you wanted to get married. This is a mutual decision you made, together, about your future. After reading your post, you wanted to wait to get married even after finding out your pregnant. There is nothing wrong with that, I think it's good you know what you want and understand that a baby doesn't automatically equal marriage in the very near future (or at all).
If the FIRST thought you had about the ring after you actually looked at it was disappointment, I think your disappointment comes from something deeper. Are you SURE you want to marry him or has the thought of having a child and a lifelong connection with him changed that for you? If it has, have an honest conversation with him. He deserves to know what you're feeling especially when it's such a stark contrast to what you two previously discussed. He may have felt like you wanted a proposal now that you're pregnant so other people know you're committed to one another. Is this thinking correct? Depends on the person, but I don't think he had any ill intentions when proposing.
Don't be upset the ring is "small". He was financially responsible especially in the situation of preparing to bring a child into this world and prepping for the necessities the baby needs instead of spending every last cent you both have on a ring that will break the bank (and still doesn't means he loves you more than with the "small" ring). "I have actually had a bigger promise ring in my past" is just a snarky, b!tchy, snooty thing to say. If the diamond equals how much he loves you, you should have married those other guys. A ring does not equate how much he loves you. A ring is a BONUS to getting engaged. He shows how much he loves you through words, daily actions, and the fact that he's bringing a child into this world and proposed to you because he wanted to spend forever with you. A ring is just a sparkly outward symbol that shows other people you're taken.
Get over the ring. Determine if you want to be with this man. Communicate what you're feeling and FFS, do not make him feel bad for the ring he purchased. He was trying and has shown you how much he wants to be with you through so many other outlets, a ring is the last thing that means "I love you forever". If you really want to wait to get married for other reasons, aside from wanting a bigger ring, tell him that and see how he feels about the situation.
I think this may be a little harsh. My engagement ring was the first ring I'd owned since I was a little kid - I'm just not big on jewelry. I had tried some on at stores after H and I started talking about marriage and told him my size, but if I hadn't been expecting the proposal, I don't think he could possibly have known my size ahead of time. Of course, there is a reason I was expecting the proposal, and that is that we were on the same page. I think not being on the same page is more at the heart of OP's problems, not the size of her ring (or the diamond).
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussMy e-ring is very similar to yours and I love it. It was within our budget (I helped pay for my own e-ring) and it was exactly what I wanted. Like you & your FI we didn't have a ton of money when we were dating/engaged. Like a PP said, if you really want to marry your FI, the ring is not that big of a deal. Upgrade when you have money and not a baby on the way or a newborn.
I suggest pre-marital counseling for you two.
Ah...but you told him what size you took.:)
The standard size for any ring is a 7; to have them sized up and made larger is a bit more intricate than having them made smaller.
My point was that I can easily see how in their situation, since the engagement was more sudden (not that that was necessarily best, but I guess they'll see), he never got that detail. I don't think that it is necessarily an indication that he hasn't spent the last 2 years getting to know her intimately.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussDon't you know the true definition to knowing someone is knowing the size of their finger?! *gasp* That was the first thing the minister asked us in our pre-marital sessions. He refused to marry us when I wasn't sure
I call MUD, but I'll still give my own 2 cents. Being obsessed over the ring is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I think your fianc? should find this post, return the "ugly" ring and use that money on his child. Marrying you should be on the far, far, far, far back burner.
You sound like a real prize. Bigger rings are so cheesy anyway. And, it's just a fricken ring!!
The thing here too is this: he should know what style of ring she prefers -- it's really pretty simple to determine; you've been with her 2 years and I'm sure you have seen what kind of rings are in her collection already.
And if he doesn't know by now, not so good. What does he know, then?
Based on what type of ring the OP prefers, that is what he should have gotten her for an ering. He acted too too quickly on this.
The real issue here is that she obviously doesn't want to (or maybe isn't ready to) marry this guy. And that's ok. But she needs to stop obsessing about the ring and recognize that. She did give him mixed signals by telling him to wait, then looking at to rings. It's time for a hard talk. You are going to have this guy in your life no matter what OP, because you're having a kid together. You owe it to him to be honest.
He should have asked and listened.
Men don't pay attention to jewelry like women do, and it does not mean he is an A$$. DH admitted he was clueless so he asked me for hints after he saw a few of this friends start shopping for rings. We had been dating 4+ years, I think he knew me... he just did not have the ingrained "how that translates to the perfect ring" skill.
That said, once he had some ideas, he did a great job going off of that to find something he'd think I'd like.
OP. I love the ring it's very pretty-- I think you're hung up on diamond size and that's just rather rude to me. You have a marriage and a baby to save up for, IMO a ring is the last thing that he shoudl blow all his money on.
ETA: I saw you posted this on Loveshack too!
If you actually want to marry him and you hate the ring, just return it and go without a ring. You don't need one.
However the fact that you're upset about the ring the day you got engaged tells me you don't really want to marry him. And that you're thinking about yourself having something shiny to show off and not how you'll pay for the kid.
OP, can you come back and post a couple of pictures of the rings you showed him?
I really can't pick a side in the "he didn't consider what you wanted" vs "he probably just couldn't afford what you wanted" debate until I see exactly how different what you wanted and what you actually got are.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
I know everyone is wants to get caught up about how you worded things and gripe about how you don't need a ring and it shouldn't matter. Reality is most everyone gets proposed to with a ring, and most women would feel a least a little disappointment if it didn't suit them or have some sort of significance to them. Ignore the snarky comments.
Now, I don't agree that its more like a promise ring and that it isn't a "decent" ring; there are plenty of women who specifically prefer this look. You're not one of them, and you made that clear to him.
I would go about it like this. Sit him down, ask him why he picked out the ring. Maybe he's just in a rush to get a ring on your finger, maybe he felt overwhelmed ring shopping and bought the first thing shown to him, who knows. Keep in mind that you DO have a baby on the way, it may be financially overwhelming to him and just be consuming his every thought. Be honest. Explain to him that it is far too small for your ring finger, and not your style, kindly. I imagine the subject could be touchy and you don't want to hurt his feelings so think carefully before you speak; sometimes things come out more harshly than intended. Ask if he's willing to browse online with you and find an affordable alternative more up your alley, but acknowledge that if something cannot be found in the appropriate price range that fits your taste, you would gladly wait until your finances are in better sorts.
Keep in mind that it might be quite some time though, especially if you don't consciously cut back on something else to save up.
This as well.
This.
Exactly what I thought.
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