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Is she in or out?
I'll try to keep this brief... so I have a group of girlfriends. 4 of us in total. And one of the girls has been really distant for the past 6 months or so. She is a bit strange in that she basically announces that she needs a "social break" from everyone and goes m.i.a. for a month or more. She did this a few times last year, and she's been m.i.a. from the group since Christmas with no explanation at all. Recently I reached out to her and asked if we (me and the other 2 girls) had done something to offend her, or if she needed some kind of help. I wanted her to know that I cared, and missed her. She told me that she had decided that she didn't want to share any personal details about her life with friends anymore and would be limited in contact, but that we did nothing wrong. She reassured me that we are still "very close friends".
So I let my worries go and just figured the dynamic in our friendship is different now and that's ok, I'll respect that. Last week, I met my other two friends for lunch and girl #4 came up. Both of my girlfriends said that by this point they feel like she's written us all off and they both are pretty upset with her. (I should mention that we have all reached out and invited her to things via email, but she always declines). Anyway, out of nowhere we get a very cheery email from her looking to go out for coffee. Neither of my other friends responded yet, and I dont know what to say. I guess I'm worried it will be awkward for everyone. Is it best to let all of these months of silence go completely unexplained, and act like nothing happened? I guess part of me feels like of course she has every right to take time apart if she wants, but she could have at least explained to us a little about why, or what happened. She's put up a bunch of walls and now just wants to pop back in like nothing. Now if we say something she's going to feel ganged up on, and that isn't what anyone wants. It's just been a long time, and so many vague strange brush offs have left a bitter taste in our mouths. How would you approach this?
Re: Is she in or out?
I think she has some stuff going on and is trying to focus on getting through that. She doesn't have to tell you or explain things to you, while it would be considerate, it's definitely not a requirement of friendships. She may be embarrassed that she's facing something.
Ex: I have dealt with depression on and off for the majority of my life. I have times that are extremely difficult and I turn to my family to get through this. I don't tell me friends what's up, they don't know I'm depressed (unless they can see it through my actions), and they may wonder why I've distanced myself.
Don't write her off. Talk to her like you have been, treat her like the other girls, and have coffee with her even if the others can't join. I know she is distant right now but I think it's a silent cry for needing you more than ever. From your post, she never did anything mean or rude to you or the other girls, she just needed time for herself. No harm done. I think keeping the friendship going is a good thing for all parties involved.
I'm looking at this from a few different angles.
First, yes, it could be that she's going through something that she just isn't willing to talk to you all about. She is allowed that. You all being a group of "really good friends" doesn't require any one of you to share information you don't want to share.
And it could be that you being there for her, even after her disappearing, is exactly what she needs. And it helps her to know you're still there "no matter what".
But at the same time, she clearly does this on a pretty regular basis. The 3 of you are spending time together, sharing life, etc - the 3 of you are going to continue to grow and become closer. If this 4th friend isn't around from this, then it's absolutely conceivable that yes, in fact, she will stop being a tight knit part of the group.
It's actually really not HER place to determine that you all will still be "Very close friends" when she keeps up and disappearing.
THen take it past her- friendship should be a 2 way street. She doesn't really seem to be offering her side of it, KWIM? She keeps disappearing? THen she can't be there for you all when you might need her. Which again, will play a role in how close you all are.
If you personally want to meet her for coffee, then do so. If your other 2 friends are just too pissed off and dont' want to, then they don't have to. This doesn't have to be a unanimous decision! And your 4th friend may need to learn this and accept it.
I don't want to discount that she may be going through some serious issues, but I also feel that this doesn't require that you all must remain the same group of 4 close friends. Her actions are very clearly affecting the feelings of the other 2 - they aren't going to be able to maintain that close friendship with her. At least not at this stage w/o having some understanding of why it is that she keeps taking a break.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks ladies for your answers. It's funny I always leave stuff out of the story because I am trying not to write an essay here. But a few more things to add are this:
1) it does come off as rude at times,the way she says things and breaks off are very cold and uncaring. For example, one of my other friend's father died. Friend #4 just disappeared and didn't reach out to my friend who was in heavy grieving. She was on a "social break", but she was informed and still didn't reach out at all. Also, I've had big events like art shows and she's missed all of them, without so much as a text to say good luck. So as ECB has said, friendship is a two way street and when this girl takes her "social breaks", she doesn't give any friendship back at all. This hurts me too, though I am the type to reach out if I sense a distance, unlike my other two friends who get hurt and just ignore friend #4 til she feels like coming around again.
2) When I called her to talk recently, we ended up talking for a very long time. In that conversation she mentioned going to clubs, going rock climbing, and a bunch of other stuff that she had been doing with a different group of friends. Now, I don't care that she has other friends but when you tell someone who is a "very close friend" that you're on a "Social break" and go radio silent for months, it's a little off putting to hear that this friend has actually been out and about doing lots of social stuff. It's just not honest.
My theory is this..... these "social breaks" started after I got married and when one of the other girls got a boyfriend. This made friend #4 the only one in our group that is single. Perhaps she doesn't want to hang with a bunch of girls who are taken. But we've really been nothing but loving and supportive of her. So while she may not enjoy being the only single one, we are still good friends to her. She was one of my best friends but it's definitely feeling like that's changing, and it's so stupid if the cause is that she can't deal with us being in relationships. I guess these new friends must all be single. It definitely hurts a lot though.
There is such a thing as balance. And if she can't find that balance - that's fine, but at the same time, she simply can't expect you all to just be waiting in the wings for when she decides she will grace you w/ her presence. Whatever brought you all together is presently eroding. That's very clear. ANd I wonder if she really has any clue to this. But It sounds like she might start realizing that if you're the only one who wants to meet for coffee.
Good luck!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your update struck a cord with me-I have a friend who is like this as well. In our group of friends, everyone but her got married within a fairly short time period, like two and a half years or so. She once brought up that she feels left out sometimes being the only single girl.
Since she brought it up, we have all made a serious effort to plan fun girls' nights, hang out with her one on one, limit talk of married life stuff when she is around. She still seems to be pulling away though. It is hard not knowing whether it is still this, if it is just time and a natural pulling away kind of thing, or whether it is something else entirely.
I don't really have great answers for you. So far, I and my other friends have kept reaching out, and she does respond every once in awhile and will come out. When she does, it is like no time has passed. Then I get sad when she pulls away again. I'm sort of making peace for now that we are maybe never going to be as close as before, and maybe she is just going to be a sometimes friend.
I just really don't "get" how she can take these "social breaks" and in turn totally disregard when something really big happens in one of her friends' lives. When it really comes down to it - she sounds very selfish and not like a good friend at all.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This. After the update, disregard my previous post. This girl is only around when there's nothing better to do.
Yes all the stuff I mentioned is very true. The part about her not being there for my friend during her dad's death is really the kicker for all of us. We couldn't believe that she would be so distant in that crucial time.
So an update... one of my friends never responded to the email at all. But funnily enough, the girl who lost her dad DID reply so I guess she, friend #4, and I are meeting up today. I still dont' know if I'm going to mention how she can't be taking all of these "social breaks" all the time and still expect us to jump when she wants to meet up. Part of me feels like it's not worth it because friend #4 gets VERY defensive when there is any kind of criticism. So it probably wouldn't end well. But I don't want her to think everything is all happy fluffy either, and I definitely dont' want to have to walk on egg shells for someone who has failed to be a good friend the past several months. It should be interesting today.
(PLUS I'm sure she's going to ask where the other girl is, and there's no easy way to say, well you really pissed her off and she's pretty much done with you).
First, I expect an update!
Second, as for the friend who isn't there - "She had other plans". If #4 REALLY wants to know, she can contact the missing friend herself. There is no need for you to speak for the friend who didn't come.
Past that - if you don't feel up to "talking" to #4 about how she cna't do this, that's fine. But my suggestion would be to stop "jumping". This coffee today? You all could have said "no" and just been busy too. If you don't think she'll respond well to being TOLD, then start showing her through action that this isn't going to keep working.
In the end, the old adage is still true - actions speak louder than words. TELLING her "this can't keep happening" doesn't mean diddly if, in fact, you all will keep meeting her whenever she reaches out. KWIM? You have to actually be willing to stop meeting her.
Once she feels YOU all distancing yourselves from her, she might actually start to "get it" that this simply isn't o.k.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
UPDATE!
Last night went really well, I'm happy to report! First, my friend who had originally said she would come out for coffee ended up canceling because she had to stay late at work. So it turned out to be just friend #4 and I. We went to some galleries, got dinner and had a couple of drinks so it was a bit easier to have conversation after that. I got to asking her what's up, and why she's bowed out for so long. She FINALLY opened up after being mysterious for the past several months.
It turns out that there's been family issues, she's also having some work and health problems, and says she just didn't want to be a downer and all depressed all the time in front of us, but that it's been rough lately for her. I told her I was really sorry to hear all of this, but glad that she opened up. And that as her friend I'm always there to listen and do whatever I can to help. So I think it was really good, at least for OUR friendship. I think my friend who lost her dad is sort of willing to overlook the time that was missed (actually having lost her dad has given her a new perspective on life, and she doesn't really sweat the small stuff anymore). As for my other friend, she had told me that she's pretty much done with friend #4, and that's why she didn't respond. She said that she wants friend #4 to get the hint, and is deciding to end the friendship. I respect that and wont' try to pressure her in any way or change her mind. I can see why she's been frustrated, but what I told friend #4 last night is that she should reach out to this girl, explain what she told me, and see what happens. I'm not getting in the middle, it's up to them to figure out if that friendship can be rekindled.
Well, I'm glad that it went well and that there is something "tangible" to her disappearances. I'll be curious what happens w/ the one friend who is done, and if the two of them have a conversation.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10