Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Counseling with ILs
There have been a ton of issues with MIL over the years. She is the text book definition of passive aggressive personality to the point of being pathological. I confronted her in Nov. about the things she had been doing. She stood there and started at me during the entire conversation, then insulted me and left. Took no initiative to discuss or respond to anything I said. The last straw that led to me confronting her was over her attempt to manipulate my child and make him angry with me to get her own way. We have not spoken to them since Nov.
MIL called this past weekend and wanted to act like nothing had happened. Even said she had no hard feelings toward me (passive aggressive code for it being all my fault and her not being wrong). DH initially told her we all needed to sit down and talk. We then decided to send an email. It didn't seem productive to bother sitting down if she wasn't going to acknowledge any of what had been done. DH clearly laid out the issues and acknowledged his feelings it making it seem o.k. that she had treated me the way she had by his lack of action and said if she was willing to discuss things and agree to change going forward we would talk.
We now received an angry email from ILs stating this had gone to far and we all need to go to counseling. There are lots of issues that involve SIL (DH's brother's wife) and I feel like this idea is coming from her which upsets me even more.
I would happily go to counseling with my DH to discuss issues in our marriage and our personal feelings. I'm completely uncomfortable going with IL's and think this is over the top. Its clear she doesn't want to acknowledge anything she has done wrong. I feel like they think they are taking me to counseling because I am the problem. I just think the idea of this is so bizarre and something I'm not interested in. DH wants to go. I'm posting here looking for perspective on this because I just don't know what to do. My parents completely support me in thinking this is crazy esp. all I have had to deal with from these people.
Re: Counseling with ILs
Nope.
JUST HER.
If she is this toxic and causes you and your H strife, stress and ill feelings, this is nobody for you to even stay in touch with.
You and your H stick together on this one and stand united.
Tell her that until she cleans up her act and starts acting like an adult and treating the both of you the way the both of you want to be treated, you will not be in contact with her.
And then stick to your guns.
Why in the universe your H wants to go is beyond me -- he probably wants to be a good time Charlie and Mr. Congeniality who wants to "make it right." Nothing wrong with that, but I personally think she sounds nuts. I tend to think people like your MIL have a personality disorder or an emotional/mental problem.
Steer clear of her at all costs and tell your H no to this therapy thing she wants for all of you. GL.
I'm a little confused by the email you guys sent to your IL's - particularly where you mention that your H made it seem like it was ok how his mother behaves? Unless I'm reading this completely wrong, but no, your MIL's behavior is not ok and your H should be standing up for you, otherwise you have an even bigger problem. And I agree on the no to the counseling. If you want to go to counseling with your H, that's one thing, but to go with the crazy IL's? Ummm...no. Just no.
ps - why would you guys even send an email anyway? now your IL's have something in print to throw in your face later...bad move...
I was confused about this, too. The way I read it, it looked like OP was saying that her H explained in the email that he had made MIL's actions seem okay and shouldn't have, so he wanted her to change moving forward. Did I get that right, OP?
Either way, I think you have an H problem - he was (or is) making her actions seem okay, and now he wants you to let her take you to counseling? This counseling sounds like a controlling move from her, and I don't think you want any part in it. I agree with Tarpon that she should be the one to go. Meanwhile, talk to YH about what it means to stand up for you.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussYes, that is what I meant. Sorry if I was confusing. Its such a mess its hard to clearly describe it.
I understand I have had an H problem. He is working on it and has taken a lot of important steps but definitely still not at the right place.
He feels like this is the only chance at fixing things.I see it as controlling and punishing.
No, the way you - or rather he - needs to fix things is for him to stick up for you and to tell HIS mother that you are HIS wife and that the two of you are not going to be manipulated into counseling with her - period. And I would highly suggest counseling for the two of you - together and without the 3 ring circus that is your mother in law. Your H needs to be united front with you otherwise this sh!t is only going to get worse.
The fact that your DH can't see this is VERY telling about where his head is at.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
No to counseling with your inlays. Yes to counseling with your H.
Honestly, I would be done with my H if this continues with his family. You know you have an H problem but he isn't getting that he is the real problem here.
Well, the ball for the two of you to get counseling for yourselves IS in your court. I would certainly consider it, especially if this is something your H struggles with. Because bottom line, your MIL is not going to change, you guys need to accept that she's not going to change, but also learn to set boundaries knowing this (and stick with them).
Your MIL's suggestion of counseling is just a way to manipulate you guys and exercise control over you, but at least you see it for what it is.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Oh good lord. Fixing the problems w/ your MIL starts w/ your DH. As long as he wants to acquiese to her and doesn't see what the problem is, your problem lies with HIM. And HE needs counseling to see this.
Expecting her to "come around" and change to be your solution - you will never, ever find a solution. Ever.
The ball is IN YOUR COURT as far as how you an dyour DH proceed and his getting help. Absolutely, 100%.
As long as you sit here and say it isn['t - then it's as much YOUR problem as your DHs because you too are refusing to deal w/ what you can change.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I dont' expect her to change. I am well aware that I can't change her. We can establish acceptable boundaries and if she can't abide by that then we can't have a relationship. DH and I agree that our children should not be subjected to that. DH also agrees that I don't deserve to be subjected to her behavior. DH does want to confront her on the issues and does want to do the right thing but she won't participate. I don't see where there are any other options. I never said DH and I would not work on things on our end. Of course, that is in my court.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Have you ever seen the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where the whole family goes to family counseling? Hilarious
The fact that you think it's weird is reason enough not to go. The people who should be going to counselling are you and your husband to work on setting boundaries and learn how to work as a team to deal with his mom. Wow she sounds like a piece of work like mine. I have to keep it to just e-mail now because she started to call and tell my husband things that I didn't say or do so I have to sadly keep the e-mail conversations as proof that I wasn't rude or disrespectful to her. I also keep our contact to a minimum and only with the husband present. She still manages to say and do things without the husband hearing somehow (very smart, manipulative, evil and passive aggressive). I feel for you I know how mine turns everything around to be my fault and the husband then defends his mom and makes me the bad guy. Honestly it's an ongoing battle between the husband and I (sounds like the same on your end). If your husband thinks it's a great idea and you do not, don't let him manipulate or guilt you into going. If you cave and do it to save peace, both he and his mom learn that they can get their way. It doesn't even make sense to go with her. It's really weird and can you imagine how uncomfortable and aggravating it will be to sit there and listen to her talking about you and your behavior? At least you have your famly as support. There is no way you could pay me to go to counselling with my MIL. I think you need to firmly tell your husband that it's not going to happen with his mom but if he would like to go just you two then you are all for it. Your MIL obviously has issues and is causing drama and trying to look like she is all for fixing things on her terms. Make a decision, stick to it and be firm. Don't let her walk all over you (I know easier said then done). If she knows she can tell you what to do and you guys just bend over backwards to please her then she knows she can continue to treat you that way and nothing will change.
I'd love to find out what happens!