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The Mother in Law.
Let me just say that in most ways I absolutely ADORE my MIL. She was just fine when we were dating, but as soon as we got engaged, something changed. For the majority of the 6-months of wedding planning, DH and I argued. And maybe only .5% of that arguing WASN'T caused by his mom. She wanted me to use venues she knew I couldn't afford. She wanted us to change the time. Change the food. And of course my mama's boy FI wanted me to do exactly what she said at all times. I was hoping that maybe it was just a phase, and once she saw that I was going to do what I wanted with my wedding she would back off. Not the case.
She is so spoiled. She always gets her way and she knows it. She says our presence is "required" to things. She begs and pleads for my DH to do things I know damn well he doesn't want to do, yet he does them anyway. Even when I say NO. The newest thing is a family photo session coming up this month. She sent a mass-message on facebook announcing "S-Family Photos!" Let me be straight forward and explain that HER last name is "S" because of HER husband. My name has been-never will be "S". Neither is my DH's last name "S" because he chose to keep his dad's last name during the divorce between his parents. Honestly, I have no reason to be in these photos and neither does DH. Basically she's taking control of everything and requiring us to "Color-code" our outfits by "family unit." I've mentioned to my DH THREE TIMES that I don't wish to be in these photos (and it turns out a friend of mine is having a wedding shower that same day). Once he simply said, "You'll be in them." And the other times he's completely ignored me like I never even said a thing. Everyone tells me to put my foot down and bite this MIL thing in the butt now...but I really don't know how!
Thank you for reading this long story! Any advice would be GREAT. I don't want to come off as a b****, but I'm tired of my DH choosing HER over ME! 
Re: The Mother in Law.
She does sound overbearing, but you have a husband problem. Why is he ignoring your wants and needs and picking her over you? "You'll be in them."?!? Ummm or else what? He doesn't get to dictate to you like that.
The fact is, she's like that bc her family has let it go on for so long.
Sorry, but you do not so much have a MIL problem as you do a very big H problem.
Your MIL gets away with this because your H allows her to. In order for your marriage to work, your H needs to step up to the plate and put YOU, his wife, FIRST. And you need to tell him this.
That said, pick and choose your battles with her, but you better start putting your foot down with your H otherwise it's only going to get worse.
The reason she has "always been this way" is because it has always worked. The reason it always works is because your husband always acquiesces and gives into her demands. Stop deflecting the blame to your MIL. This is your husband's fault. And you're right - he shouldn't let his Mom tell him what to do. But not because you're his WIFE... he should stop that because he's an adult. Don't start an emotional tug of war with you on one end and his Mom on the other because NO ONE will win. He simply needs to start acting like a man instead of a little boy who does everything Mommy asks.
Regarding the family photos and "S Family Portrait." Pick your battles. I imagine it's much easier than calling it "S and Y and G, X, and R Family Portrait." I don't think it's that big of a deal. For this specific situation, it seems you're pissing and moaning and refusing to attend out of spite. It doesn't sound like you committed to the friend's shower, right? If not, I say suck it up and attend this portrait. It takes all of 30 minutes. If you refuse to go, you're simply borrowing trouble.
And of course my mama's boy FI wanted me to do exactly what she said at all times
Well, big picture, this is your problem.
However, you sound like you're being a b!tch about the picture, to be honest. You're pitching a fit over her calling is the "S family" photo. Really?
Which makes me wonder what YOUR contribution to the issues w/ your MIL really are. Maybe this isn't as big of a FI problem as it is a YOU problem.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The only reason I'm not sucking it up and just agreeing to do both the portraits and the shower is because MIL is making this into a 3-hour production apparently.
I've been picking my battles ever since the wedding-planning phase. And I'm just tired of being forced to give into her by my DH.
Does the 3 hour production involve a lunch, family time, etc? I doubt if you're going to be standing and posing for 3 hours straight. Go take the damn picture and leave once the picture is taken.
Regarding her interference with the wedding... did she contribute financially? If so, then she was somewhat within her right to pick and choose how her money was spent.
Did you do any pre-marital counseling? Are you willing to do marriage counseling now? He needs to realize that being a momma's boy and a good husband don't quite correlate. I also wonder what, if any contribution you have in this because I agree with ECB - you're being ridiculous over the picture. It really seems that you're just pitching a fit out of spite. You need to put your ego on the shelf and take the stupid picture because what happened during wedding planning isn't the same as what's happening now. You're married to your husband, therefore you are in the family, and you should be present for the photo.
You have quite the chip on your shoulder and are being quite unreasonable because of it. Family pictures aren't that big of a deal, and they seem to be important to her. From the looks of your wedding pics, you look quite young. No offense intended, but we may have a bit of a maturity issue going on here.
I completely agree.
I think you sound pretty horrible, refusing to be in a family picture because your last name is different. So what? Welcome to the world of blended families. This is the new normal, not a big deal. Your husband's response to you sounds cold, yes, but I think it's coming from a place of frustration with you being unreasonable and childish about this.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Forced? As in, he's holding a gun to your head and threatening you with death if you don't cave in to her wishes?
No. You choose to give in to her. Just like when you discovered he was a momma's boy and you chose to keep dating him. You knew he was a momma's boy when (presumably) he proposed marriage to you and you chose to accept his proposal. You knew he was a momma's boy when you stood at the altar and agreed to legally bind yourself to him for the rest of your life, flaws and all, in front of your family, friends, and whatever deity you worship.
Nobody forced you into anything. You went willingly with your eyes wide open. You knew exactly what you were signing up for and you're learning the hard way that a piece of jewelry doesn't change a damn thing.
Not wanting to go to dinner twice a week (let's say) at her house is a battle I might pick. "Having" to spend all of Christmas day w/ them is a battle I'd pick. Her insisting DH come over to fix every little problem in her home and his doing it w/ no regard to your time together, etc - that's a battle I'd pick.
There are a LOT of battles to pick, but a FAMILY photo session where clearly she wants her entire family there is an odd one to make a stand over.
However, as you do have a shower to go to, I DO feel you have the right to say "I can go for the pictures themselves, but I have to leave by X time".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The only reason this woman is getting what she wants is because you ALL are giving it to her. Why would she expect any less?
I think the OP has a point here. It isn't about taking pictures it's the fact that as grown adults they aren't being ASKED to do xy&z they are being TOLD. No agurements and other plans allowed or MIL will throw a fit.
I think the whole idea of "family pictures" is stupid. Sorry but I do. Color code the families? Lol
Look OP, why the heck did you marry your H? He showed you who was important before you two even said I DO. His mother is #1 and he is going to cow tow to her. I'd leave this worthless Mommy Boy and go find a real man. Or go to counseling and see if you can get him to get it.
I would not go to the picture shoot because I wasn't asked, simple as that. You are an adult and your presence isn't demanded anywhere unless you allow it.
This is your problem:
And of course my mama's boy FI wanted me to do exactly what she said at all times. I was hoping that maybe it was just a phase, and once she saw that I was going to do what I wanted with my wedding she would back off. Not the case.
She begs and pleads for my DH to do things I know damn well he doesn't want to do, yet he does them anyway. Even when I say NO.
Not her....HIM.
I am guessing you and he are very young 20s, if not younger than that.
Age is a factor here but even still, when you marry you become a unit WITH your spouse. And when you become a committed couple, you become a team.
This ain't happenin' with your H. I don't care if he's 19 or 90:it's still bad news and doesn't bode well for you.
Read him the riot act and tell him as of now, he is a team with YOU and a family with you and his mother isn't part of a 2 person family.
If he won't do it, this shows you what respect he's got for you. YOu've got a long road ahead of you for coming in last. Sorry for the bad news.
You could send him packing and home to his mommy but I am guessing you do not wish to do that. Sorry to hear.
Actually, what I think may be happening here is that OP is just tired of them giving in to what seems to be an overbearing overly demanding MIL and this whole picture thing is just the final straw where she's putting her foot down and saying no once and for all. Yes, I agree - a picture should not be a big deal BUT if stuff has built up over time, then this becomes the final straw where you say enough is enough.
Picking a FAMILY photo time to staunchly refuse to be involved - it's going to piss her DH off too, regardless of all the other issues at hand.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Okay, here's the assumption I'm working from - OP, you've been dealing with your MIL's overbearing, entitled personality and your DuH being a controlling bully for so long that something as relatively benign as a family picture is setting you off. Now you have a lot of anger that is being misdirected and you're start to look like the unreasonable one. I'm going to guess that you haven't started speaking up for yourself until now and it's being met with resistance because, to your DuH, it may seem like it's coming from left field. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment going on from bottling up some feelings. Just my opinion, but that's what I inferred from your post...
All that being said, here's what I'd suggest for moving forward. First of all, you're not a child. When he says "you're going to do x, y, z" gently say, "Is there an "ask" in that statement?" Then, if he does ask you to do something that you either don't want to do or can't do (due to other obligations), tell him that. Just simply say, "sorry but that won't work for me." Just because you're married to him doesn't mean that there are not boundaries.
Second, you won't gain your husband's loyalty overnight. DO NOT read him the riot act and/or make demands that he transfer his loyalty to you! He will perceive this as an attack on his mommy (WAH! hahha) and, at best, he will clam up and not speak to you for awhile, worse, he will likely attack back which will just leave you feeling even more isolated than you already do. It will just escalate from there and he will just cling more tightly to his mommy *trust me, I know, I'm going through this exact same issue right now*!!!
Here are some suggestions that I've gotten from my counselor and I've found to be helpful. When he sides with mommy, tell him how it makes you feel. "When you side with your mom, I feel hurt/betrayed/devalued." Make the focus on your marriage. Remind him he can be loyal to your marriage, while still maintaining a respectful, close, but secondary relationship with his family. Try very hard not to make it about you vs. his mom - it's really all about protecting your marriage!
kme380 hit the nail on the head. And I thank you for that, greatly. To those who just chose to call me a b**** and/or be rude, I'm sorry that my post was so vague that you had to make such negative assumptions about me. I'm not good at confrontations, and this really is just a breaking point for me when it comes to this issue. I willingly admit that I have no backbone and I'm afraid to make my DH mad, and due to an argument last year, I'm also afraid that he'll just decide to walk out completely.
Thanks everyone (especially kme380) for the advice, and I'm going to attempt to approach this a little better.
In regard to the bolded, if you chose to speak your mind on something you believe in, in a respectful way, and he leaves, that's on him, and you are truly better off.
THIS! If your H can't handle you having a mind of your own and your own thoughts/feelings/opinions/wants/needs - if he's going to just throw in the towel every time you guys have some disagreement when it comes to his family, or demands that you always be the one to give in to their demands, then really, what is the point of being married? Not trying to say you should rush and get divorced here, but think about this for a second - marriage is work and takes two people and a whole lot of compromise. If only one person is willing to do this and the other just takes takes takes and expects the other to just bend over backwards all the time, then I just don't see how this can work for the long term. That is not how a marriage works.
You go Girl!!! "Mamas" got your back!!! Remember what we've talked about!!
Excuse me, but I don't really think anyone in this thread was being rude or disrespectful - they are giving answers based on the information given by OP. Perhaps OP did not initially give full information, or perhaps it was the way she worded her initial post that prompted people to give the response they did, but all I see is people calling it as they see it.
And ps - you and OP are not the only ones who have ever encountered issues with their MIL - I'm pretty sure many of us have had at least one incident where they may have had to deal with a similar situation, which is why we all say pick and choose your battles. Believe me, even I have plenty of issues with my MIL, FIL, BIL AND now SIL, but it does no good to fight over every single thing that she (or rather, they) does that annoys me. Some things you just have to let roll off your back. If you are going to fight on every. single. little. thing. that your MIL says or does, it makes you look like the unreasonable irrational and ridiculous one. And then when the bigger issues really do come up, then what? No one will take you seriously because you are just seen as the one who is always unreasonable and irrational. No one here is saying to NOT react, but to have something like a family photo be your hill to die on, that is not going to help your cause.
Either way, OP has even bigger issues with her H and his refusal to set boundaries. This should have happened from the very beginning, but seeing as it has not, I am still suggesting counseling for the both of them if OP is serious about protecting her marriage.