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notyetthere89
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I know this isn't the 50's but..
Is it wrong of me to feel like my SI should be taking care of me more than I take care of him. He thinks it has to be 50/50. Or you know...whenever I need something he should help or visa versa. I'm not saying I don't enjoy doing things for him (which he says I barely do) but I've been taught (I went to a Baptist college) that the male is the main provider and he should do anything in his power to take care of his lady. I've been the main provider for about six months now and although things are more 50/50 financially, it's still not. My SI gets tip money in his job on top of his wages...which he says that money is basically non existant b/c it is for savings. I know we need to save money, but right now when my bank account is 13 dollars I think he could afford to let some go if we have a need or...for example tonight when he WANTED french fries for dinner he made me feel bad about not getting them. I HAVE THIRTEEN DOLLARS and he has at least 100...plus I'm not the one who wanted the fries.
Ok, this could go on and on...I hope you didn't read past the first few sentences.
Should our men be our providers and give more or am I crazy?
Ok, this could go on and on...I hope you didn't read past the first few sentences.
Should our men be our providers and give more or am I crazy?
Re: I know this isn't the 50's but..
I'm sorry, this may be a dumb question, but what does SI mean? The closest I can think of is SO...
Anyway, it's only "wrong" to think he should be taking care of you in the sense that he clearly disagrees; some couples take this point of view and it works for them, while others take a more "us-oriented" approach. I personally think that finances need to be a team effort, but I'm sure my way isn't the only one that works.
The bottom line is that you two need to come to an agreement about your joint finances, rather than each having differing expectations that cause fights and hurt feelings. Sit down and talk about whatever finances you share, whether you're a newer couple and that's just dinners out once a week, or you're living together and you have lots of joint bills as well. You need to agree on how everything is going to be paid for in advance and how much is appropriate to spend in a month/week/pay period, then stick to it. For DH and me, this meant opening a joint checking account when we moved in together. We each contributed a certain amount each month, and that was "our money," to be spent on groceries, eating out together, etc.
I would also be having a talk with him about making you feel bad for not ordering him fries you really can't afford. But if he hasn't made a habit of guilt-tripping you, that sort of thing would ideally be prevented by having the conversation above.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussThe great thing about it not being the 50's is that women have a choice. They can choose how they want their relationships to be conducted.
If you want a relationship with the man as the main provider, well, it may not be what I want, or people with my values. But the great thing is, it's your choice! And nobody can stop you.
Of course, the last person I had a relationship with who INSISTED things be 50/50 was an abusive guy. The others, we just sort of brought our strengths and weaknesses to the relationship and did the best we could at all times. Nobody was measuring or keeping track of balances. Balances and needs shift and change; 50/50 tends to be a goal, not an actuality.
He sounds like he's being too hard-nosed with savings, and he shouldn't be giving you a hard time over your needing to get him french fries. That's not 50/50.
But just realize that your last sentence - I'd say that for MOST people, this isn't how they think these days. As you said, it isn't 1950 anymore. You're going to be hard pressed, at least on this forum, to find a lot of agreement w/ your view.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You say SO, are you married? Do you combine finances? I personally would not do that without being married. Even if you want the man to be the primary breadwinner, it isn't reasonable for you to expect him to take care of you when you aren't even married yet.
Also, are you bad at saving? Maybe he is trying to think long term here and save for a house, a ring, kids, etc. etc. All very reasonable. It isn't reasonable to expect for you to pay for everything for your life TOGETHER, but I'm trying to figure out if this is going on.
At the end of the day, though, he may not have the same mindset as you. And that is ok, but it probably means he is not the guy for you.
It's funny but I actually feel GUILTY that it's not more 50/50. My DH makes a lot more money than I do, so it's just proportionately broken down by salary that he pays about 2/3 of our expenses. And even though mathematically it makes sense, I really wish I could put in more.
This is another reason why when I left my job to do freelance, I have worked my butt off nonstop. My DH tells me that wasn't the point of me quitting my full time job (it was supposed to be so I could work on my personal artwork, but instead I do graphic design pretty much round the clock to keep up a similar salary to what I had when I was full time). I just can't stand the idea of being "taken care of" by someone. It freaks me out. What if that person gets sick and dies, or you get divorced? I would hate to be so dependent on someone else financially. It's just ingrained in me to be independent, and also to share responsibilities. That's just me though. I guess we're all raised with different ideas on how partnerships work. I know my grandma was in the mindset that OP is, and now that she is a widow, she can't do anything, not even pay a phone bill. I would never want to be that lost.
Hmmm
So is his tip money actually going into savings? Do you two have joint accounts? It doesn't sound like it. Did you tell him you only have 13.00 and can't afford his French fries? Let me guess, he wanted you to pay for AND get his fries? Am I right?!?
Most relationships/marriages end because of finances. You have to get on the same page before you get married. I see red flags all over about he wants it 50/50 but he will spend your last dollars on himself while hoarding his money. I would think long and hard about staying with him.
There is nothing wrong to want him to take care of you, but you have to look at the sings. If you are or not married it is irrelevant. If you are living together then it should be a team effort to try to keep the house.
Money issues can end a relationship in a heartbeat. If he is willing to let you pay for everything, but he will not help you out with the expenses, then he is no good and he is just taking advantage of you.
There seems to be a grey area with the "our money" issue.
Nip this in the bud now before you marry this guy and it turns into a much greater and severe issue.
Wishing you luck.
Personally, I don't think my genitals should have any baring on how much money I earn, but I guess that's just me.
Do you want to be responsible for all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing, etc? I'm sure being taken care of sounds nice, but I'm pretty sure the sort of man who thinks it's his job to "bring home the bacon" because he is a man, will not be willing to actually bring home the bacon, cook the bacon, or help clean up the bacon. He'll just want to eat the bacon. Just something to consider...
I'm pretty sure the world is still full of men like this. I think there are a lot more of them left than women like you. If that's what you want, you shouldn't have too much trouble finding it, but your SO sounds like a bad match for you.