Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Newbie ~Friend is not herself~
So DH and I have a couple friend we are very close to. They are not married but have been together for a few years and have a child together. We love their kid very much and treat her as if she were our flesh and blood. I have been noticing some things however that concern me and not sure what to do. Please understand we don't want to upset our friends, but feel to say nothing is only adding to the problems.
The GF and I are very close and I have noticed she is not happy. She gained a ton of weight with the baby and it seems she has gained more over the years. I try working out with her but she has a kid so our scheduled don't always mesh. When we do workout she stops right away, I know it takes time, but I am talking 5-10 minutes tops of just walking. She has mentioned they don't have sex anymore he is just not into it, but assures her it has nothing to do with her.
She is normally a happy person very positive, but as of late I can tell she is depressed. She is kind of a single mom because her BF feels like he makes money and she doesn't so its her job. I agree to a degree. She doesn't work and is not in school, so for the most past the home and kid duties fall to her. However he should still help. Several other things about this relationship disturbs me, but I don't want to go into everything. The thing that drove to write this was her home. I am OCD, but this place is not a normal mess. Toys everywhere, I mean can't walk without stepping on something. Plates and dirty dishes all over, trash just tossed into the garage, food, smashed into the floor, and the bathroom cluttered with diapers and dirty cloths you have to step on.
I get being stuck at home is not always fun and kids are messy I get that. But this is beyond that. Plates we used for a party a week and a half ago are still where we left them. I again love my friend and never want to embarrass her, but this is insane. How can I tell her to get up of the couch and clean up. Her bf doesn't help, but then again she makes it ok for him to treat her this way because she refuses to stand up for herself. Another painful thing to watch. I just am sad watching her wait for a proposal that doesn't seem to be coming. Not having a healthy sex life ( I mean she has to beg for it.) How can I get her to see what she is letting happen to her life without embarrassing her and shoving my lifestyle down her throat. Sorry it is long and all over. I just am not sure what to do. It is becoming harder and harder to be around.
Re: Newbie ~Friend is not herself~
I don't really see how you can say something without hurting your friendship with her. I love my BFF but I watch what I say about her H because I don't want to lose her. It's a tough line to walk. She will have to handle it herself.
As to the messy house, it screams depression and that she is overwhelmed. Would you be willing to help her clean it up? I'd just go over for a "visit" and then just start cleaning. Kids are messy and toys everywhere is pretty normal but the dirty plates are not. It's also not good for the kiddo.
If you two are pretty close you may want to ask her if she is depressed straight out. Then help her find a therapist or counselor. I did reach out to my BFF and tell her to get help and she is but she was okay with me doing that. It was tough but I was concerned and told her that and it was a place of love that I was coming from. Good Luck
The relationship she's got with that guy may be over or is over --- it probably has run its course -- but you can't tell your friend that.
She is stuck holding the bag and that there is a messier mess than there should be isn't good news, either.
Add to this self esteem problems, not being able to stick up for one's self and the fact that love is blind and you've got yourself a real mess.:(
Thank you! She is depressed for sure, she is on something though it is not perscribed to her, another thing I have trouble with because she has no idea what this med could do to her as it is for someone else.
The kids mess is no big deal, kids are messy. And when we watch the kid we make sure they clean up after themselves and make it fun for them. I know this is something she will have to fix on her own, but just hate seeing her slip farther. I avoid advising on how to deal with her partner as it is not really my place. My main concern is the kid. With Dad not willing to help or show support and mom is depressed to the point where all she can do is sleep and watch tv, poor baby gets left to entertain herself. Also playing in an unclean house with potential to step on forks, knives, and whatever else.
My DH and I cleaned the whole house when they went to visit grandparents and within a few days it was right back to it. She clearly needs help, but her partner is not giving it to her, yet if you ask her "She has the perfect family." I grew up with parents who put on on a front for everyone, while back at home it was a stressful place to be. I just don't want that for this kid. Again she is a good person and he is not so bad just needs to grow up some.
Thanks everyone! Its going to be hard but I hope she see's I am coming from a good place and would never ever want to make her feel I was trying to be mean. I would hope someone would point this out to me if the role was reversed.
Great advice for my first post. Thanks again