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Help. Did I do the right thing?
I am not sure I've done the right thing. My financee (ex) & I have been married 3 times each prior to meeting. I had always said I would not get remarried as 3 times & failure.
He knew this going in and said he knew the risks and was willing to take the chance I would change my mind. So few years in we discussed marriage and I started crying, he's response was "Wow, I've never had a woman cry sad tears when I asked them to marry me. He knew at that time I wasn't ready.
Then approx 2 years again he asked me to marry him and proposed in front of all my friends (I couldn't say no) My first words out of my mouth was "No, you didn't & the second was "I'm going to kill you. What does that say about me? I wasn't thrilled over this.
We both are of Christian faith and have not lived together. He needs to be married to make it right with God. I don't have the same commintment to marriage after 3 failed I just lost faith in marrage, I am quite happy & content being in a committed relationship but not being legally married.
We have fun together, like most couples we've had our disagreements. I don't like he uses tobacco and he doesn't like that I have a
Oh and we we're living in the same town but now we're about 1hr 45 mins apart in different cities.
So I finally admitted after much soul searching that I was not going to get married to him or anyonre. My heart breaks because I do love him, but he has to be married where I don;t feel like we have to as long as we've made that commitment and already feel that way in our hearts just not legally.
I just don;t know if I have done the right thing by calling off the engagement and gave him his ring back. After asking him if he can continue without being married or if he has too.
Advice?
Re: Help. Did I do the right thing?
Move on, he deserves better. He should not have to pay for your ex husbands or your failures. He deserves someone to love him enough to fully commit.
In a general sense, the two of you want different things out of a relationship- you aren't compatible with one another and shouldn't be together. He can find someone who wants to get married, and you can find someone who is content to be in a relationship without getting married.
Based on the specific details you've provided here, I'd say you dodged a bullet by ending a relationship with a man who doesn't respect you and has no concern for your wants and needs. He knew going into the relationship that you did not want to get married, but figured that he knows you better than you know yourself and that you would change your mind. After you turned him down, instead of respecting that, he tried again, and deliberately chose a situation in which you were put on the spot and felt pressured to accept his proposal because your friends were all watching.
He clearly understood that you were not happy when he proposed and you said yes so he wouldn't be embarrassed in front of all of those people. He doesn't give a damn whether you are happy or not, as long as he gets what he wants.
I don't understand the bit about making it right with God. It sounds like he's trying to guilt you into marrying him. This guy is a selfish jerk. This is exactly why he's been married three times already. I know this is rough, but try to focus on yourself, move forward, and be glad that you avoided becoming his fourth ex-wife.
Yes, I think you did the right thing. He should be with someone that wants to get married and you should be with someone who knows they don't ever want to get married.
I also want to add that I don't think it's a good idea to date Christians deep in their faith. When you love someone, you want to have sex and live together and you don't suppose to do that unless you're married, so to avoid this happening again, that may be something to think about.
TTC since September 2012
Yes, you did the right thing.
Why should you be stonewalled and railroaded into doing something you do not wish to do?
Marriage has to be something the both of you wish to do.
Thank you for your comment. Allow me to expand, he's quite content having sex outside of marriage & his last relationship he lived with the person for over 4 yrs ( after his 1st 3 marriages) they broke up & he moved out. He would also stay at my house during the week or wknd and vice Versa all he says now is he wants to get it right at least once in his life.
Which I can appreciate, so I felt quite often he was being a hypocrite. I will take to heart your comment.
Thank you.
Yes I have been to a therapist about the word marriage not having the same meaning as it did before. No resolved, it's not an emotional thing it's just my belief changed on what marriage means.
I am torn about what to do. My heart and head are conflicting so plan on seeing another therapist to see if they can assist me in getting them both on the same page.
thanks for your suggestions.
Believe me I am not holding my past or his past failures against him. His marriages were short where my were long. As for commitment, I did commit to him but we seem to be a different places with regards to careers, finances, honesty, etc.
you are correct I have told him he deserves someone who can give up career and doesn't care where they live, and could give him what I've been unable at this time, yet he is now acting like we're still engaged and says he doesn't want to move on?
So again I'm confused.