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old friends and expectations
Basically I have known these 5 friends since high school and have been close through college as well as afterwards before I met my DH. I asked if my DH could come from time to time, but I sensed they didn't feel comfortable around him. Also on one occasion I asked them to be honest if he could come with, and one said "just bring yourself." Now dont get me wrong, its not like I brought him all the time with me in the first place..so its not like they were sick of him. (plus its not like it was a girls night, one is a man) Anyway, I started to quit inviting DH to things with them, because I figured they didnt enjoy his company when he was there. Also its not like he was a d*** to them, he is the nicest person I know, but he is pretty shy with people he doesnt know very well.
Anyway, I would always go for a few hours and chit chat when I was invited to things, but it never seemed to be enough. I would be with them for 3 or 4 hours, but if I didnt end up going to the movie marathon they planned for that night then I was "leaving too early." Or if they planned a last minute pot luck dinner party while we were already hanging out, I heard about how "you never hang out anymore." I always felt bad because I knew I wasnt living up to the expectations, but I couldnt do what I used to do, I wanted to go home and take care of things that I normally do now, like cook dinner, clean house, and care for my 2 dogs(which are basically my babies). Plus since my H isnt really welcomed most the time, I dont really want to be gone 6+ hours at a time here when he is at home taking care of things. I feel like being gone that long is irresponsible on my part.
Am I being a prude? Personally I believe I am trying to make an effort here to keep in contact and hang out, I literally will jump if they plan something, but I feel like they may be asking for more than someone like me can give. Plus when I am the one planning, I can literally never get them all able to come to what I have planned..thus I hardly plan much myself.
4 out of 5 of these friends havent had boyfriends or relationships at all and still live at home at 27.. and that is the darn honest truth here. Maybe we just cant relate anymore. Hate to see what this will be like when I have actual kids.
Has anyone had issues with having to change things with friends because of new responsibilities? What is the best way to go about this? Maybe I should just move on, but I really want to keep these friendships. Sorry for the long post, eeek!
Re: old friends and expectations
I'm of two minds here. I have a friend from high school that her and her husband never go anywhere without each other. It seems codependent, controlling and weird to me. We had a girls night and she wanted to bring him. The girl who organized it basically said no. She ended up coming, but sulked the entire time. Then later, the organizer, who is single, ran into the couple somewhere and the guy basically said the reason she didn't let him come was bc she was a loser who couldn't get a guy.
Now, I don't know you so I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt that you don't try to take DH everywhere, or act funny when you do go because he's not there. If that's the case, then you really are making an effort to see your friends and they are being unreasonable. Life happens and they can't expect you to be available like you were before. It's true that people grow apart sometimes. Maybe that is what is happening here. It doesn't mean any of you are bad people.
If your H came on here and said "I don't mind my wife going out, but she spends 6+ hours all the time with these friends who never include me and it keeps her from doing her share of things" we would advice him to make sure that he was your first priority.
Of course, this depends on how often you all hang out. If it's once a month, then you could give them more time, for example.
But your priorities seem to be normal for a married person.
Well, I'm more on the side of "I have a feeling these friendships may have run their course".
But- I am wondering - how often are these get togethers? Weekly? If so, then yes, I understand where you're coming from. Monthly? Eh, I'm starting to veer into "you can't give your friends 6 hours out of your life in a month?" territory.
Your sentence about not wanting to leave the responsibilities to your DH - if it's just you and he and your house.... what kind of responsibilities are you talking about that are SO pressing that they must be done THAT night?
I'm just kind of wondering if you're one of "those" married people that now that you're married, it's all this "but my HUSBAND! Our RESPONSIBILITIES! Our life is so busy because we're MARRIED".... I've seen women like that and it's kind of eye roll worthy.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your friends want to hang out with you, not with your husband. There's nothing wrong with that. A lot of times trying to force a spouse or a SO into a group just isn't worth it. It makes things awkward. But you want to be with your husband and there's nothing wrong with that either.
Do they expect you to hang out for 6 hours every week? Or once a month? Once a month, really you need to relax and just do it. Once a week I can see being a bit much.
I have no idea what your husband is "taking care of" at home while you're out. Feeding the dogs? Doing the dishes? I think that's just part of him being an adult, not you leaving him with responsibilities while you're out living it up.
My husband would do a happy dance if he got the house to himself for 6 hours straight ever. Even better if he got the house to himself because I DIDN'T make him go hang out with my friends. He has his own!
I'd talk to my friends if I were you. But I'd do it carefully. Really carefully. Or it will come across as very condescending. You don't want to slip into "You don't understand my life because you don't have a husband/house/dogs etc." That will just alienate you further from the group. But tell them you love to hang out with them but that you are also trying to make time for your husband and you'd appreciate it if they didn't give you grief on the nights you have to slip out early. Then don't ALWAYS leave early. You'll have fun. Your DH will be fine.
In my opinion, these are the two things you need to look at. There are other guys in the group. So for some reason, they're singling out your husband. Do any other guys ever hang out with the group?
Or is this more of one of those the group has always been these people and they don't want to expand it?
This is the other thing that bothers me. I'm not sure what you try to plan, but it sounds really one sided that they never want to show up to things that you plan.
I kinda agree with the others that as much as you value these friendships, they may have run their course. Definitely worth a few moments to ask yourself if you still benefit from seeing them.