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The ignored birthday
More than anything I need to vent about this situation.
My birthday was last week, and even though I am no longer 5 years old, and don't need to come home to a surprise party with a huge, elaborate celebration...some recognition of the day would have been nice.
I woke up in the morning, went to work and left my husband sleeping in bed. Since we're still newlyweds, I was so excited to see what he had in store for me. Throughout the day he had sent me many (and I mean MANY) texts wishing me a happy birthday, and to be honest, they were getting obnoxious and annoying (I was in meetings all day) but were just pumping me up to see what he had in store for me when I got home.
When my day was done, and I pulled in the driveway, my dogs gave me more love than he did. The house was filthy, he was preoccupied with fixing his bbq, and the worst part is, there was nothing to acknowledge my birthday. No card. No flowers. Not even the $12 plant that I actually really wanted (and had pointed out several times).
It's been a week, and we've fought a few times about me being in a bad mood, but really, I'm actually just upset and annoyed that my HUSBAND dropped the ball. He thinks I'm being dramatic and that it's just a birthday, and almost refuses to see my point of view. For his birthday, we we're in Cuba, enjoying the beach, and I had a custom made guitar stand made for him. I feel I went all out. He seems to think that I ignored him, and that because he cooked some hotdogs on a bbq for a get together with friends, that he compensated me enough.
How the hell do I get it through his thick, difficult & argumentative skull that buying a card and flowers for things like valentines day, birthdays and anniversaries isn't about getting something, but acknowledging a day that's important TO ME?
Ahhh, please tell me I'm not being a whiney ***, and that I'm not the only one who married a clueless man!!
Re: The ignored birthday
It depends. I am a little unclear on what he did with the bbq specifically....was it intended to be a small birthday celebration with friends? If so, at least he put in some effort (and didn't forget!)
However, I do understand your feelings. DH didn't get me any Christmas gifts this year, which was a little unexpected and awkward since I bought him some nice gifts. My response (after a little sad pouting) was just to address it gently and let him know I was a little disappointed. Because he would let me get anything I wanted anytime that I wanted, it wasn't on his radar quite the same that it is on mine. We talked, and then I dropped it and moved on. This worked really well as far as our relationship communication is concerned, and yesterday he showed up at my work with surprise flowers and lunch "just because". Be honest with him that you were disappointed, but don't make a monstrous deal out of one albeit special day where he dropped the ball.
Boy, some men sure do go all ***-effort when they get that ring on you.
I'd be irate, and I'd make sure he knew it. How hard is it to think for five damn minutes about something that would make your spouse smile?
I'd be pissed that he did nothing, it isn't hard to pick up a card and be nice to your spouse. Watch a movie they like, do the dishes or other little things. At this point maybe you need to sit down and lay out your expectations for future birthdays, anniversaries and so forth. He can do the same. Give him a chance to live up to your expectations. If he continues to argue and not understand then you have a bigger problem.
We are pretty low key but if around a gift giving holiday I change my mind or he does we communicate those desires. For example we don't do anything for Valentines day, never have. Well this year has been a bit trying so about a month before I told him I wanted to do something small this year and actually acknowledge the day. DH isn't left guessing about my expectations or desires, that is not being dramatic its being an adult in a relationship.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I'd be annoyed with the no card or gift thing too. You should let him know that it's part of the birthday celebration to you.
It does sound like he didn't "ignore" your birthday though, he did make some efforts (texting you, sounds like he threw a little BBQ for you), so cut him a little slack. It sounds like he just might not know what's important to you with celebrations. Let him know that you appreciate what he did to acknowledge the day, and that a little gift and card would make you feel extra special. Good luck!
I point blank TELL my DH that I expect a card on my BD. I don't hint about anything or beat around the bush..... he knows I expect a card and he better well have one for me!!!
I know that sounds like I am a *itch, but frankly, I think he is getting off easy.
THIS.
Why did you marry this gem?!?
It would be an all out war in my house if my H did this. Stay mad until he gets it since he is hardheaded. Good Luck, you married an a$$
soo, apparently I'm just weird, but DH telling me happy birthday and throwing me a little BBQ sounds like a great birthday to me. Granted, I would also be a little disappointed if he didn't also do the dishes or greet me with a birthday kiss when I got home, but I don't feel like I need a card or flowers.
Like PPs, I'd say just make sure that YH knows what you expect for your birthday. Is this new behavior, or have you argued in the past over other birthdays, valentine's days, etc?
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussHe should have acknowledged your birthday some how, be it a card, a gift, flowers, etc. He dropped the ball and didn't do it. BUT - I don't think you should hold it over his for an entire week like you implied. I'm wondering if the reason he's saying you're being "dramatic" is because rather than simply address it and set the expectation for the future, a whole week has passed and you're still in a crap mood about it. That, in my opinion, is dramatic. Here is what I would have said: "Honey, while I appreciated the birthday wishes throughout the day, I was really looking forward to some type of acknowledgement when I got home. I was rather disappointed that you didn't get me a card or the gift I suggested several times. Going forward, I would really like you to make an effort to celebrate my birthday with me." And end it there. He can't go back in time and do what he should have done. So you have to address it, communicate your expectations, and trust that he will do the right thing next time around. Then drop it.
ETA - because I'm not sure if I was clear... he is a total turd for not doing anything. But I still don't think that warrants a week of the cold shoulder.
One of the first big fights my mom and stepdad ever got into was when she gave him a nice birthday gift, but no card. Cards had always been a big deal for my stepdad and his whole family, but my mom's family had never really done cards for any reason - so she was quite surprised at how upset he was. She had always figured that the gift by itself was good enough and that a card was no big deal.
They can laugh about it now, over twenty years later, because after that fight they obviously knew they had to talk about what each other's expectations were for birthdays and other special occasions.
It sounds like what you guys had was a fight similar to this one. You burst each other's birthday bubbles, and now you need to figure out how to proceed moving forward so that you're both happy.
You say you thought that you did well for your husband's birthday while you were in Cuba because you had that guitar stand made for him, and you were already on a nice trip where you could go to the beach. But he says that he felt ignored. Now he says that he thought he did well for your birthday because he let you know all day long that he was thinking about you, then did a little cooking when you came home. But you say that you felt ignored. So... now you guys are even in the disappointment department.
Next step is to sit down with him and figure out where you both missed each other's signals, so you'll do better next time. Ultimately no biggie in my opinion. Chalk it up to good intentions gone awry, and laugh about it in twenty years when you've both learned so much more about each other.
I think people should take some personal responsibility in getting their needs met. If your birthday is really important to you, and you know your husband isn't the most organized and proactive guy about this stuff, REMIND him a week ahead. You can just express how excited you are your birthday is coming up. Or say you want to do something special on your birthday. Depending on the guy, I'd say tell him what you expect in clear plain English!
It would be great if our partners were always on the ball about every birthday, anniversary, good thing that happens, etc, but they're human and busy. I'm TERRIBLE at dates and am still unsure of my wedding anniversary and my husband's birthday. That doesn't make me a bad wife, it just means I need reminders from him and in my calendar.
This guy remembered, but just didn't do anything.
Any time expectations aren't met, people are disappointed. Sounds like you and your H expect different things for birthdays.
How did he do on Valentine's Day, birthdays, anniversaries, etc BEFORE you were married? I bet it hasn't really changed.
Maybe your guitar stand disappointed him. Maybe what he REALLY wanted was to get together with his friends and enjoy a nice meal. Maybe the guitar stand wasn't so spectacular for him. It's a big deal to you, but that doesn't mean he feels the same way.
Conversely, he may think that the time he put in to your day meant WAY more than shopping for something. He spent all day trying to fix the bbq- no small task. Plus he was thinking about you all day while sending you texts. AND he took the time and effort to organize dinner with some friends to celebrate. All you did was buy something.
It's taken me YEARS to get H to understand that on Valentine's day when I say "Just get me the $6 bouquet of grocery store flowers," that's actually what I want. Same thing when I told him to just count the new washing machine as my Christmas present and just get me something silly so I'd have something to open. What?!? Girls can't want household appliances as gifts!!!
Spell it out for him next time. And don't get your hopes up. He might be more of a low key gift giver.
This makes me sad!! However I kinda know how you feel...my husband forgot about our 10th anniversary...to make matter worse it was also Valentines day (you'd think all the guys with flowers on the street would have sparked something!!!)...I made him this incredible package with 10 valentines written in it about 10 amazing things that we have shared together....and I received nothing in return!!
Hope you're feeling better and he redeemed himself!!!
I guess I am in the minority. I don't see what the big deal is.
Hubby and I don't exchange gifts on 'the day'. Growing up for both of us was, 'oh, it's just another day'. Real life always seemed to get in the way of his birthday, and mine too. Sometimes it makes me a little sad, but not really.
I guess I would rather be surprised when a gift comes out of the blue. One year I got an anniversary ring with the number of diamonds on it corresponding to the year we had been married. It was beautiful. Another time I got a mom's necklace with real stones of the kids' birthdays...no where around Mother's Day.
We're not into material things, what matters is the time we get to be together. Whatever makes one happy, I guess.
I understand your frustrations, but at least he TRIED to do something, even if it was kind of a half-a**ed attempt.
For one of my past birthdays, my then H stood me up for dinner and went out clubbing with his friends instead (I wasn't invited). To make up for it, he said that he had ordered me an edible arrangement. When I asked where it was, he claimed the dog ate it (which was a lie).
Maybe that will make you feel a little better.