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Where to stay when visiting our home town
Though we didn't start dating until college my husband and I grew up two streets away from each other. It's nice to be able to so easily visit both of our families but while we were dating and even while we were engaged whenever we came into town to visit he would stay with his parents and I with mine. My parents would have been fine with my boyfriend/fianc? sleeping at our home, I get the sense his parents would not have been, even though we've lived together for over three years.
Now that we're married I feel that it's weird to sleep in two different houses, the problem is that at his parents he was sleeping on an air mattress, at my parents I have a double bed but given that I only visit once a month my mom has turned half my room into storage, not leaving a lot of room for two people to move around.
We're about to head to our hometown for our first post-wedding visit and will stay in a hotel for the weekend until we can figure out how to find an easier sleeping situation without offending either sets of parents. But it's too expensive to stay in a hotel everytime.
How would you recommend we discuss this with our respective parents and make sure that if I work with my parents to make my childhood bedroom more hospitable that my husband's parents won't feel like we've chosen my family over their's when it really just comes down to logistics?
Re: Where to stay when visiting our home town
At your parents house- is the BED itself clear? If so, then I'd just stay there. Sure, there isn't a ton of room, but how much time will you be spending in the room itself? There is no harm asking your mom to try and make a little more room - but the fact that you're asking US if you should do this- makes me wonder what your relationship w/her is like.
As for his parents, all he needs to say is "they have a bedroom and a bed for us to use. It's just easier for us.". if his parents go down the path of "but it's not fair/ you need to stay here the same amount of time", etc, tell him to NOT entertain that path of conversation. Don't start tallying "equal", etc. It's a dangerous path. All he should say is "Let's not focus on the quantity of time but the quality. We have many years ahead of us....". Because really- you do. And one trip home might mean more time w/ your family for XYZ reason, but the next trip might mean more time w/ his family. You just don't know and I just wouldn't get caught up in THEIR expectations of "equal" and "fair".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Our parents live 20 minutes apparent but we always stay with mine b/c they have 2 extras room and a bathroom for us. His parents might have taken offense at first but they didn't share that with us nor did we ask. It was about what made the most sense.
I think our first visit home we split the trip and stayed a few nights with his family. We slept on an air mattress in the bonus family room. It was silly and I am glad it took care of DH's need to be fair to both sets of parents, but otherwise he would have continued the visits alone.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Yup, ECB is right. Don't let them treat you like a commodity. Everything does not have to be equal especially when we are considering your sleep quality and comfort level. They simply don't have what you both need.
I totally agree--do not entertain any issues or complaints his parents may have.
Also....if you live so close, you could spend an evening with his parents one night and then drive two minutes in the car back to your mom's house, where there is an actual bed to sleep in. So given that you are only two streets apart, anything they might say would seem silly to me.
If the bed is at your parents house, just sleep there. Even if the old room has become a storage area, all you're really doing is sleeping there. You kind of implied asking/working with your Mom to make it more comfortable for you... I think that's borderline rude. It is her house, that's her space and she should be able to do with it what she wants or needs. I wouldn't ask her to accommodate you for the handful of times you guys may visit. I think it's just asking a little much.
With your ILs, I get the sense that you either don't feel welcome or are perhaps holding a grudge regarding the sleepover situation prior to marriage... otherwise I'm not sure why you brought it up. If those are their values and standards, just respect it. While an air mattress isn't ideal, I don't think it's that big of a deal for temporary sleeping arrangements. If you really want to avoid hurt feelings, just switch it up every other time you visit. If it's simply too uncomfortable for you both, just have you husband explain that to his parents. Instead make an effort to spend quality time with them during the day.
Stay wherever you want to stay! If you're uncomfortable at the in-laws', don't feel you have to stay there. You don't need excuses, just do what's best for you. They can be upset, but that's their choice, not your fault!
The obvious answer is your parents? house, (there is a bed there!), as for the space in the room, I don?t think that?s a big issue for a couple of days. Try to talk with his parents and explain them the situation of the bed, also make sure that even if you stay with your parents you visit your in-laws a lot!
Tell your respective families to stop acting like little kids.
You get what you get and don't throw a fit.
DH and I are high school sweethearts and so both of our parents live in the same town, so when we come back for holidays we have to choose where to stay. Both of our parents homes have room for us to stay in, so our solution is to alternate which house we stay it for each visit. My mom wasn't happy with the arrangement initially as we opted to stay at DH's parents place first, since only one of his siblings was home and both of mine were, but now that she's used to the idea all is good.