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How would you address this?
My husband was gone two weeks for work. While he was gone, he managed to spend $1200. At first he claimed that he didn't know how he possibly could have spent that much. Then later while I was trying to talk to him about it, he was pouting like a child (I'm pretty sure trying to get me to feel bad FOR him, so I would forget that I was mad AT him). He had gone to bed early because he was feeling upset, and turned over to face the other way like a child while I was trying to talk to him.
Anyways, he flat out refused to talk any more about it. He acknowledged that he had F'd up, and that he got caught up in having fun with his friends and enjoying where he was at, but there wasn't much he could do about it now but feel bad.
This is not the first time I have had to address his spending. A couple months ago he opened up a credit card and maxed it out with one purchase...without telling me until he got home. He was afraid I was going to say no. WELL DUH! We have had marriage counseling before, where our therapist has said that he spends like he is single. He has flat out refused to worry about money, saying that he "never had money growing up so he never had to worry about it, and won't worry about it now". I think that rationale is BSC. I am exhausted from being the only one to worry about finances. We are a single military-income family and while we can pay our bills, we can't get ahead.
I tried to bring up a monthly allowance, but that went over like a lead balloon.
When I realized how much he had spent, I think I had a small anxiety attack. I was shaking and wanted to throw up. I cannot wrap my head around how you do not realize that you are spending nearly $100 a day. I can't handle having the same conversation again...I feel like I am drowning. I don't know if mentioning the correlation between money problems and divorce will do any good, but I think we are most definitely at that point.
Re: How would you address this?
Do you guys have a monthly budget? If you sit down together and figure out a budget (including savings/debt payoff) together each month, he really has no excuse not to know exactly what he's spending and keep it to the level he agreed to.
As it is, it sounds like you're not telling him what your expectations are ahead of time, so much as you are setting up your own unspoken expectations and getting upset with him once he hasn't met them.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. Seuss~Benjamin Franklin
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Do you guys have a budget, and would there be a reason you couldn't do a cash only budget? I am a Dave Ramsey fan and that is what we do- the only things we charge are some reacurring bills and our gas. You could go completely cash- freeze/hide/cut up the credit cards so neither of you can use them. Going cash means you need envelopes to keep each part of the budget in. He gets his 'fun' money for the month, and once it's gone- it's gone but he has complete control over what he spends that on. (I have a purse adiction, and this is how I fund it. My husband doesn't care because he knows that I"m only spending my fun money on it)
Sit down and talk about creating a budget and then do it together. If he won't even sit down to talk to you about this, it may be time for some more marraige counceling. He is acting like a child, and needs to realize that he has responsibilities. I'm assuming since you said you are a 1 income family that he has agreed you should stay at home- maybe you need to put that back on the table. If you want me to stay at home with the kids, WE need to get OUR act together because sometimes I worry that WE won't have enough money to fill in the blank (feed the kids, buy them new clothes, save for college etc).
Let us know how your conversation goes!
Has he always spent this way, or is this a more recent development? Does he have any history of addictive behavior? If it's not something that's been a lifelong habit for him, please encourage him to go to a physician to get a physical, and also get screened for depression, especially if you all have had any major life changes (deaths in family, unemployment, etc).
In addition to the good advice everyone else here has given, just start thinking about protecting yourself - if you don't already, set up a separate savings account with you as the sole account holder, put your money out of reach where he can't access and spend it. And if he has copies of any of your credit cards, consider getting new card numbers for those, but only 1 copy of each card for you, so he can't spend money on those accounts.
You are right to address it now. Such drastically different views on money can only lead to more trouble in the future if they aren't worked out now. Good luck!
You mentioned you were a military family, did he get per-diem while on this trip? I know on average when i'm TDY we get between $55-150 a day depending on where we go for food and incidentals. It's easy to go along with everyone and spend it eating out at nice restaurants and doing fun stuff.
Now saying that, you are responsible for your spending! you do not NEED to spend that much but you get it regardless. I have had trips where we were saving for something or had some extra bills to pay and I ate cheaply to bring home as much money as I could.
His attitude is unacceptable. Does he help do your budget? If not I would be turning it over to him so he can have a reality check. Saying that he never had money growing up is childish, why does he want to be broke now!
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I agree with this exactly. I dont think sitting down with a budget will do any good if he doesnt see how serious it is.