Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sleeping on the Couch
Husband and I have different schedules. I have to be up early for work, he doesn't. He's always liked to stay up later, that's fine. I don't care. What has really started to bother me, however, is his habit of falling asleep on the couch(after I have gone to bed) and staying there. Sometimes he makes it into the bed eventually(usually around 4 to 6 am) but sometimes he will stay on couch all night and move into bedroom when I get up for work which is 5.30. I have talked to him about this and how I get lonely sleeping by myself all the time. He is an adult and should be able to tell when he is tired enough to sleep and come to bed. I wouldn't mind if it happened every once and a while, but this is every night. There has not been any significant change since I brought up my feelings, and if I say something now(no matter what the tone joking or not) about how he should make it to the bed that night, he gets irritated.
Advice on how to get him to understand better?
Re: Sleeping on the Couch
Pick a time this weekend when you and he have nothing to do and then talk about this, at length, with him.
If he is watching tv, he needs to shut it off at a reasonable time and get ready for bed, just like the rest of us.
I don't like the sleeping on the couch thing for a lot of reasons. It's also disruptive to the intimacy of your relationship. GL.
I don't want to sound like I'm just projecting...
I second the advice to have a proper conversation with him about this. I've slept on the couch a lot lately and while I tell him its because I can't sleep and don't want to wake him tossing/turning/sneezing (we've had colds recently) the biggest reason is I don't want to sleep next to him recently. (I'm biding my time til next week - no distractions for a conversation with him).
It may even be something simple like his back hurts lately and the bed isn't helping, but you won't know until you both sit down and talk openly.
I can relate to your DH. I have serious insomnia issues and even with prescription sleeping pills there are some nights that I just can't sleep. I go to bed with my DH every night but that may not be where I am when he wakes up. Last night is a prime example. After 2 hours of lying in bed, I was still awake. I couldn't stay still. Why torture myself and my DH with my constant movement and frustration? So he found me on the couch this morning.
My advice, talk to him. Find out why he's sleeping on the couch. Try and figure out a compromise. Instead of sitting in front of the TV until I fall asleep, I lay in bed and listen to audio books. Doesn't disturb DH and keeps my mind from wandering (which is usually what keeps me from sleeping.) Maybe there is something similar that will make sleeping in bed easier for him.
And if it helps, my reasons for the nights not sleeping in bed have absolutely nothing to do with my DH. So try not to take it too personally unless he gives you a reason to believe otherwise.
I am divorced now but my H and I often slept separately. He was a huge night owl and would stay up until about 4 am most nights. Then he would come to bed and snore like CRAZY and so I (a light sleeper) would lie there for hours waiting for my alarm to go off so I could struggle to get through another day, sleep-deprived.
I asked him to not come to bed at 4 am on the nights my alarm was going off at 6:45 am. I think it hurt him but I know that for me, it was HUGE to not have that disturbance. My resentment for him was growing the longer it went on.
So part of me wonders if you can adjust--it sounds like he is okay with the situation. Many couples sleep separately and it does not mean their marriage is in trouble at all! In your case it sounds like you are not happy or accepting of the situation and certainly you would want to make sure there is not an underlying more serious reason for this. If he is doing it because there is distance growing between you that is a different story.
But if it works for him, I don't necessarily agree that he is required to not do it just because you don't like it. I got a lot of flak from people for this (it wasn't romantic, etc.) but my response was basically that I thought it was romantic to feel well-rested!