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Opinion--when to talk to a parent
There's one child at school who Jackson has said is mean to him since the fall.
I went up for an event a few weeks ago and saw this kid elbowing other kids (not Jackson) and he was just unpleasant to be around.
J claims that the other kids are scared of that boy and are do everything he says for fear of him picking on them (this kid is 4)
Today, my mom was volunteering at school and watched this kid go up to Jackson at breakfast, grab his juice and dump it all over the floor. J went to the teacher, who asked the kid who denied doing anything. My mom spoke up and the kid got in trouble, but this child has been being mean to Jackson and some of the other kids all year. I want them to work this out themselves, but I'm trying to figure out if I should say something to the kid's mom, and if I would, what exactly do I say?
Re: Opinion--when to talk to a parent
I tried that Amanda, but haven't had much luck with things changing thus far. This kid is sneaky most of the time--elbowing kids in the back of the line, making snarky comments, etc. I spoke to his teacher a few weeks ago, but unfortunetly she was more of the little boys are little boys, they all seem to get along most of the time. J is fairly quiet and doesn't say much at school from what I understand. It's when he's home he seems to open up, I tell him to talk to his teachers, but I'm at the end of my rope. I'm so sad my buddy is experiencing one kid who's just mean to him--and others. The aide in the room knows this kid is a problem, but it just seems that it's hard to control or change things.
If you've spoken to the teacher and she hasn't done anything, I may take it a step further and talk to the principal, before I would attempt to talk to the parent.
My limited experience and knowledge leads me to believe that often times when a kid is a bully, his or her parent's are necessarily the easiest grown-ups to talk to.
That is such a tough situation. Since he's been telling you about it since the Fall, I think it's gone beyond boys will be boys. I agree with the idea to take it to the principal. With so much focus being on bullying these days (one of Noah's specials is an anti-bullying class!), I am so surprised that the teacher is kind of blowing it off. With taking it to the principal it's also keeping it at school - sometimes kids act differently at school than they do at home. So the parents might not know that he acts this way and may not have a way to keep him from doing it while at school. (Or they do and they are bullies themselves and don't see it as bad behavior!)
I would bring it up again, and let the teacher know that you plan to inform the principal, since it is still an issue and hasn't been addressed. Depending on the principal's response, I would then reach out to the parent.
I agree completely. Take it to the principal first. This kid sounds mean and it would break my heart to see dd bullied. But, a lot of times parents don't see it "oh not my baby, you kid must just be too sensitive" or like Amyjoy said the parents are the not greatest people either.
If the teacher hasn't done anything, then it is time to call the principal. I would also ask that the aide be included in the meeting because they tend to know a lot more than the teacher (can you tell I was an instructional aide
).
Bullies keep bullying because no one stops them. The whole "boys will be boys" is really no excuse for those behaviors. And if numerous children are afraid of him, then there is an issue that needs to be addressed by the school.
I would let the school handle it, that way the parents cannot retaliate against you because if handled correctly, they should never know who voiced concern.
This. Heather is before and after care with K-5 kids and regularly hangs out with 2nd graders, some of whom are great and others of which we aren't so fond. (One of them recently taught her the f-word. Joy.)
She also had a "friend" in pre-K who was the only reason she ever got in trouble and who sounds like the boy you're describing. In pre-K we had a regular dialogue with both H and the teachers about this boy, what was going on and how to deal with him. In that case, the teachers were aware of the issues and provided discipline, but couldn't stop the problems totally. We did our best to teach Heather how to handle herself, but I'm not looking forward to her being in class with him again this summer. Talking to this boy's parents wouldn't have any affect. They aren't 't bad, uncaring people but they are in over their heads with this boy (and his brother, who is worse.)
I think it is worth another conversation with the teacher, but it feels a bit late in the year to be pushing on this issue with only 3 weeks of school left. He sounds like a kid who needs dedicated watching from an aide and it seems late in the year to tackle an issue like that.
Also, I DESPISE the phrase "boys will be boys." Makes me rage-y.
Talk about normal developmental behaviors for a 4-year old? Sure.
Ignore poor behavior because of a y-chromosome? Hell no.
Amy, this was my thought as well, but I've hit the wall. One thing about this school is that the kids are in the same class for three years, so I know they'll be together next year. And of course, this family lives two streets from us. We ran into them a few weeks ago at the marathon, and one of the other parents told him " look there's X, why don't you two play together" and J responded "Peter's always mean to me, I don't want to play with him." Nothing like the honesty of a 4 year old.
It may be worth a second try talking to his teacher, if for nothing more than practice at "confrontation".
I 100% agree with this. People tell me my kids are well behaved because they are girls. and it's ok for that little boy to run a muck throught joann fabric because he's a boy and my kids don't do that because they are girls. Um, no, my kids don't do that because I don't let them.
This is what I was thinking.
And it does sound like when your mom got involved, there was some resolution. (The boy got in trouble.) I think I would let it go for this year in terms of the teacher. )I would still talk with Jackson about how to deal with it positively, though. Even if it means counting down days.) Even if they are in the same group next year, three months can make a total difference in behavior sometimes. If not, I would deal with it then.
If they live close to you and they play together, then YOU are the adult in charge, and you can address any behavior issues then, or explain to the parents why you aren't arranging play dates.
I am sorry your little man is going through this. :-(
DH put a stop to similar behavior towards Gavin (on the bus) back in the Fall by talking to the Mom at the bus stop. Basically, it was another Mom who told us the stuff was happening - Gavin never told us! The Mother of the bullies seemed horrified and the behavior did stop, but DH did tell her that he would take it to the school if it continued.
So, if you feel comfortable talking to the parent, then do it. (And, if you know of any other parents of kids being bullied, get in touch with them - strength in numbers!) Otherwise, start with the teacher - I think it's all about what you are most comfortable with.
My three sons!
I agree with others, take it to the principal. It's unfortunate they'll be together again next year, but hopefully they'll have a more diligent teacher. If nothing is resolved next year, I'd go to the parents (especially if they're neighbors). That would be my last resort though since a) I'd feel awkward and b) I'd have little confidence in the parenting ability of people who's child is already displaying such bullying behavior.
I also detest the "boys will be boys" attitude. My brother lives by this motto and it's such an enabler for bad behavior. My son is only 2, but at 2 he acts exactly like my daughter did at 2 and I will continue to expect the same level of respect and kindness toward others from him that I do from her. Practically everyone who meets him comments on how calm and well behaved he is "for a boy" and it drives me insane! I know it's meant as a compliment, but I hate how he's automatically held to a different (lower) standard because he's male. What a terrible injustice to our sons!