Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Ok, I need to vent.
I've been handling everything okay. Until yesterday.
(If you've read my blog the first part of this will be repeating what I posted yesterday)
I had my follow up appointment yesterday. It went great, I'm healing perfectly. She had the genetics report already, which she said usually takes a month, so she was surprised. She said they were boys & their chromosomes were normal. So we really don't know exactly why they died, other than the guess that their blood connection was too strong too early. I asked for a copy of the report. In my car I read it... and in the mix of medical terms I couldn't understand I read, "Within the fetal tissue are two hands. Both have five digits attached." Ugh, the tiny little hands. (Those are A's, B hadn't developed arms.) That tugged at my heart. I think that put me into an over emotional state.
A couple hours later... My boss got me flowers when I came back to work. I understand his intention was good, but I'm not a fan of attention, let alone the attention for this reason. All the people that work in my office know, but the other people that work in the building don't know, so I get the question of "Aw, what are the flowers for? Is it your birthday?" So whenever someone comes in the office to talk to my boss I walk away from my desk and hide until they leave.
We also have a few people that work with us, but at different locations. My boss didn't tell them directly, I assumed they would hear from others. Well, one guy came in yesterday, and I have had the feeling that he's known from the very beginning I was pregnant (his daughters just had babies). He saw the flowers on my desk, came over with this big grin, "What are the flowers for? Do you have some news? What's going on?" I just stare at him, shaking my head no, wondering how he hasn't heard yet, while my eyes fill up with tears. "You're looking kind of sheepish, do you have something to announce?" The second he turned away I ran away from my desk. I went into a coworkers cube and lost it.
That continued into my drive home. Every song made me cry. It was just a very emotional day.
Then, it happened. My biggest breakdown yet.
My mom called me last night. "Your uncle X called." I knew immediately what she was about to tell me. "He was talking to dad and they were talking about the Indy 500, then 4th of July, then I hear him say Congratulations......... (cousin) is pregnant." I immediately lost it. I told her I had to go and hang up. I've been handling other people's baby's and pregnancy talk just fine. While it tugs at my heart a bit, I can handle it fine. But this is different. My aunt has been begging for a grandchild for years. It's all she's talked about. And they are all coming in to town for my brothers graduation. They are the type of people that only talk about themselves, not once ask about you. So can you imagine what I'm going to be hearing the whole day? It breaks my heart. I was sitting here crying so hard, look over and there's the genetics report that talks about the tiny hands that were taken away from me. It's not that she's pregnant, its that in a couple weeks that's all I'm going to hear. It's too soon.
My mom immediately sent me a text apologizing, said she should've waited a bit to tell me and she felt horrible. That's what DH said, she should've waiting.. it's too soon. They have no idea what I have just went through. But I was thinking about it, and the bitter part of me, knows that it wouldn't have made a difference. My feelings would mean nothing. They'd still go on and on about it.
I cried all night. Like, hard to breathe crying. I know it's probably an irrational over reaction. But I think I'm entitled to that. My hormones are all out of whack and I just lost 2 babies a week ago.
Ughhhh, okay sorry for the giant post. I just had to get it out.
TTC since March 2012
BFP 3/14/13!!!
U/S 4/15: Identical twins!
Lost my angel boys at 10.5 weeks
My Chart***My TTC blog
Re: Ok, I need to vent.
Let me start off by saying, I cannot even begin to imagine what you're going though and I'm not going to pretend I know how it feels. I do know that you have a right to grieve and process everything because you have been through a lot in a week. I know I would be feeling all over the map as well. Especially now that you've had some time to process everything and it's setting in.
That being said, I agree your mom should have waited to tell you about your cousin. But maybe in her heart she felt it was best to tell you sooner so you have time to deal with it before they are all in town and you're constantly exposed to it. If you can, I would try to busy myself with other things while they're around like helping with the party or talking to other guests to try and avoid some of the conversation.
I know words aren't going to make you feel any better, but you're a strong lady and you've got an awesome support system from the sounds of things. I try not to get too religious but I firmly believe that God doesn't hand it to you unless you can deal with it and I know you'll get through this. We're all here for you any time you need us!
Aw, this all really sucks. It is a horrible time with emotions and hormones and questions and looks. Can you take a few days off work?
Take care of yourself this weekend and get lots of rest. I found that my emotions really jumped a week or so after. Apparently the body thinks it's still pregnant for a bit afterwards, so when the body finally wakes up and realizes that it's not, the hormones start to really go haywire. But it does pass - the hormones at least. The emotions will subside in time too although it may not seem like it now.
I know I have no words to express how I'm feeling for you.
But all your emotions are totally understandable, and I would feel the same way about the attention. I feel so terribly for you about the timing of your cousin's baby. I can only imagine the sting and resentment you must feel, also while trying to juggle just being happy for her.
Hang in there. It sounds extremely trite, but things HAVE to get better, don't they? (I say this in a feeling of frustration for you). I mean, you seem like a really nice person who deserves nothing but happiness. That has to stand for something.
Thinking of you!
I hope this guy knows what he did and feels like a really big jerk now. This is why everyone has to let people announce on their own time, not try to "out" them. You just never know what battles a person is fighting.
I think the worst for me was about 2-3 weeks after my loss. That is when I really broke down. There are still moments, even now, that catch me off guard. Allow yourself to cry when you need to and give yourself space from the things that cause pain. If seeing your cousin in a couple of weeks is going to be too difficult, don't make yourself do it just to be a good sport. Right now, you have to look out for yourself first.
Big hugs to you, ky.
TTC #1 since 1/12
BFP 12/13/12 * EDD 08/24/2013 * MMC CONFIRMED 1/23/13
TTGP Blog - A Good Read!
You shouldn't ever have to apologize for what you're feeling - you've been through a lot and I can't imagine how hard it all must be for you, but you have been so strong throughout all of this and I have no doubt that you'll make it through. Thoughts and prayers to you, especially over these next few weeks.