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DH won't stand up to ex-wife
My husband is being sued by his ex-wife because she wants more money to pay for a lifestyle that she can't afford for herself and is calling it "child-support".
When my husband divorced his ex, the judge established how much money she would get in child support for their one year old boy. Every year, he kept giving her more and more, because he understood his child needed more things... but it has gotten ridiculous.
He gives her a check every month for twice the amount established six years ago, which does not include (he pays for this separately all by himself): doctor's bills, medicine, school supplies (all year round), class trips, christmas gifts, expenses when he's with us for extended periods of time, after-school classes, tutor, some food staples that my husband sells wholesale, haircuts, and a few other things...
Regardless, every weekend when we pick him up she gives him to us in dirty, torn, too small clothes... while she's decked out to the nines, with fake nails, hair extensions, professionally applied makeup, expensive handbags, and such... It got so embarassing that one day we had to go to our country's equivalent of Target to buy him a decent outfit to wear out with us. And has gone as far as to say that he eats too much for a kid his age and that how is she expected to feed him so much.
Now she's gone to a judge and asked for MORE money. She wants 2.5 times what she's already getting. Which probably won't mean that all the other additional things he pays for will stop. In the mean time, we've been married for two and a half years, I keep getting the whole "we can't afford it" reply everytime i mention kids, house stuff, etc...
I think there are few divorced dads that don't live with their son, that take him to and from school every single day, has never been late for a child support payment, pays for all the extras, spends all his weekends with his son and extended holidays (sometimes over a month) whenever she has to go away on "business" trips.
How can I get him to understand that saying no to HER, does not make him a bad father to his SON? A therapist I went to a couple of times says he's got "divorced dad guilt". Any suggestions? Has anyone been through something similar?
ps. his family is useless in offering him guidance and a dad getting custody is basically impossible in our country.
Re: DH won't stand up to ex-wife
Ok, good...at least you're doing that. Sorry to hear about the custody thing though because it seems like you guys are taking better care of the child than the mother is. I would say at least try for that because you never know, maybe you might get lucky and have a judge who will put the best interest of the child first. It's really sh!tty that your H is putting plans of starting a family with you on hold because of this too...that's def not fair to you and I wish I had advice for you. Maybe some of the other ladies do though. Sorry for your troubles
Perhaps it would be better if you and your H got full custody of the child. Maybe there is even full out neglect there, also.
Laywer up on this and document like crazy.
Your larger problem is the fact that he can't tell her where this is at and shut her down for good. That's your big area of contention.
YOu also can't put your life on hold for his ex wife. I'd see a counselor with him; you need to get this issue resolved.
If he won't go, bad news. And if he lets his ex wife continue to steamroller the both of you, very bad news.
Why did you marry him?
Ever heard, sometimes love just isn't enough? This sounds like that type of situation.
We are only going to get and hear your side of this. The bottom line here to me, a child is involved. Your H maybe reacting out of guilt, but he does have a responsibility to his child and money is apart of that. I'm not saying the EX wife is spending the money 100% on the child.
What can you really do? You say the courts won't help and that it's corrupt and he will never get custody. So, you can walk away or suck it up. This is his child and his child SHOULD come first and you will have to come later. If you are tired of hitting the pause, stop or delete button on your life then you should walk away. I'm not seeing how you can fix this if the courts won't help, he won't tell her no and you keep being told no by him.
I think it's good that you are documenting everything that you/he is spending on his son on top of child support payments - that is a good start. You should also document (with photos) things like what the child is wearing and looks like when you pick him up.
Is he giving her money for his clothes or taking him shopping for clothes? Stop giving her money for things, or demand to see receipts for where the money has gone if you don't want it to go toward her nails and hair.
Perhaps if you two looked at your budget together and set an amount for his son which lists out every single expense (including any transport costs for getting his son to and from school, etc.) and put it to him that the two of you should either A: fight for custody or B: set an amount of support (more than just child support payments) and stick to it. Perhaps if he sees it all out in writing and very clearly he will begin to understand your feelings of not being able to move forward with YOUR lives financially because of his over-commitment to his ex-wife.
It's wonderful that he is so involved with his son, it truly is and this is obviously a fundamental value to him - which is great. There's no reason thought that with a bit more organization and boundaries that you won't be able to achieve your goals as a husband and wife as well.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I don't think at any point OP said that her H's son should not come first. Clearly she cares about what happens to this child and is just as invested in his well being. At least that is what I'm understanding from her post.
I actually have a friend who has to deal with similar situation from his c-u-next-Tuesday ex-wife. She cheated on him, they got divorced, and she took EVERYTHING, including their 2 kids. My friend pays something like $4,000 a month in child support, not including everything else he pays on top of that. He loves his kids and would do anything for them, but I'm sure miss mother of the year takes advantage. Whenever he does eventually meet someone else, I almost feel sorry because the ex-wife is going to complicate things for sure. But he has a right to happiness just like his ex does same as OP's H has a right to be happy with a new wife and life.
Anyway, OP, just keep documenting everything, and tofumonkey had a good suggestion of taking pictures....I really hope you guys have a good lawyer because I'm thinking you should just try to gain custody of this child.
I would say he does need to stand up to her. But be careful about it. It seems like the judge is in her favor on everything up to this point. If H tries to do something it might result in something happening to his son.
Your H sounds like a really great guy. But I've always said if you marry someone who is divorced, make sure you can handle their ex. Good luck to you!
Did you even read all that I wrote? More is going on here than just paying for things. OP states that the courts won't help them and they can't get custody, we aren't dealing with American custody rules.
My original point is WHY she married him, she says he has always done this. It's very hard to get a parent to stop doing what they feel they should for a child. She has to watch what she says and does here or it could damage her marriage.
I understood the exact same thing that RW understood. Like you're implying that I'm basically getting in the way of my H and his son, and that I should just take a hike because I'm in the way and don't want what's best for my stepson. If I could get custody I would, as I'm sure anything we have to offer will be better than a 24/7 live-in nanny and every waking second in front of the TV.
Regardless, it hasn't always been like this, I met him when his son was 11 months old. It has "gotten ridiculously" as in, it wasn't always this way.
Thanks for all the other constructive opinions, we have our lawyers working on it,.. really wanted more suggestions on dealing with the "divorced dad guilt" than on the legal/custody matters. It's nice to see that most seem to think similarly to my point of view, and that I'm not the one being unreasonable.
I am not saying you should take a hike I'm saying you knew he had a child before you got involved and that Bio Mom was going to be around.
Maybe you should post this on Blended Familes on The Bump, the ladies on that board have seen and dealt with it all.
Also, an 11 month old needs are different from a 6 year old needs so yes, I would expect the money to change, with sports and school, etc. It's unfortunate that bio mom maybe spending the money on herself but it's hard to prove. Good Luck
Obviously I am also concerned with my SS, but that matter is being dealt with by very competent lawyers. So, the fact that I wanted advice on the other issues doesn't mean I just want to dismiss the obvious child neglect going on.
I think I'll be going over to blended families as they seem to be going through similar things, hadn't seen them before... thanks anyways!
It seems you enjoy twisting what I've said, I OBVIOUSLY know an 11 month old and a 6 year old don't need the same things, but it is one thing to pay for your child's needs and it's another to have to pay for your ex-wife to look like a drag-queen.
Thanks for the tip on Blended Families, I'll be heading there now...
It seems you enjoy twisting what I've said, I OBVIOUSLY know an 11 month old and a 6 year old don't need the same things, but it is one thing to pay for your child's needs and it's another to have to pay for your ex-wife to look like a drag-queen.
Thanks for the tip on Blended Families, I'll be heading there now...
I am not twisting anything, I'm using the facts that you have given to us. You and your H can't control what she spends CS or and extra money he gives to bio mom. It's frustrating I understand, but you can't control it or tell her what to do.
Two things come to mind right off the bat... for one, why doesn't he have custody? He is financially stable and happily married. He has shown he is responsible with his son and a very devoted father. Boys should have their dad around. I know courts generally side with the mother for whatever odd reason but in this case I think it is worth it to discuss things with a lawyer. Then she would be paying you guys! Or to sweeten the deal you could probably tell her you will take care of everything and she can just have him every other weekend, no child support. She sounds like the type who would take the deal.
You also need to mention to a lawyer what you wrote here... he is not eating sufficiently and does not have any fitting clothes but she is decked out to the nines. The child support is not being used properly. They can then request receipts or bank statements from her to show where the child support is going. This should be done before any more money is given. Judges aren't dumb. You can also get character references from the son's teacher, doctor, family/friends etc.
He should also push for total joint custody where the child spends half a week with him and half with her. Or trades off every week. It seems messy but its really not that bad if they live relatively close (which they must if he is taking him to school every day). This would make it where neither person is responsible for paying child support since they have equal time with the son. There will still be expenses to split like doctor's visits and clothing but that can be worked out.
I'm really sorry you are going through this, that totally stinks! I hope it can all get figured out. I also understand the divorced dad guilt. I grew up with divorced parents. My dad was always in love with my mom but she cheated on him and left when I was very young. He never even dated again (whilst she remarried twice) and always felt so guilty that our family wasn't together. He never had much money but he lived so poor and gave pretty much everything to my mother... kids grow up to realize these things as an adult and it shapes the relationships they have with their parents.
On the bright side, your husband sounds like a definite keeper!!!
I know that you are probably gone now, but I would make sure that besides the base child support NOTHING goes monetarily through the ex-wife, if you are not doing that already. Aka, school supplies, etc are given to him pre-bought.
All this. Document everything and get a good lawyer. My DHs little brothers mom would keep all the nice clothes and send him back in rags to the dad.
The fact that your DH isn't doing more to try and fix the situation would really bother me. In fact it makes me wonder why he continues to pay her so much? Is there a reason why he wouldn't want to take her to court over this?