Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Unbelievable
I really don't know what to name this thread. I need to vent and just discuss this. I could type up a book of what has happened in my life in the last year +. I may get into that later on within this thread, but right now, I will stick to the subject at hand.
About 4 weeks ago, I ran into a mutual friend of my sister's and her boyfriend. She ended up telling me that my sister (I don't speak to her) and her bf broke up, she isn't allowing her bf to see their 7 month old daughter except if he comes to her place or her parents place. I really wasn't surprised because my DH and I knew this would happen sooner or later, so did other family members as well. Our mother (I don't speak to her either) is backing her up on this decision as well, as matter of fact, I know our mother is the one who has been chirping in my sister's ear about doing this. The boyfriend, told my sister he is going to get a lawyer if my mother and sister don't allow him to see his daughter or his family get to see her. They started threatening him via text, verbally, and black mailing him as well. He ended up getting a lawyer, but didn't tell anyone he actually did except for his family. My sister was served with court papers Saturday and they had court Tuesday. My mother and sister were both in court during this hearing. They accused the boyfriend of being a drug dealer and drug user, along with not having a legit job. His lawyer pretty much told her lawyer that her client has enough issues of her own and she shouldn't be accusing his client of things. His lawyer ended up ordering a drug test for both of them to take before leaving the courthouse that day. The boyfriend passed his drug test and my sister failed hers. The boyfriend called me that afternoon telling me everything that has been going on. Honestly, I am not surprised that they have been threatening him and now they're trying to take his own baby away from him. I have a 19 month old son, the boyfriend was great with my DS when he was first born and as an infant. Plus, he was always great with children of all ages, that I have witnessed. The times (which has not been a lot) I have seen him with his daughter, he was a great father and I can't see him hurting her. I don't get why anyone would ever try to take a parent out of their child's life unless they're being abused. He has been seeing his daughter over at my parent's house for an hour, but as of recent, they started to make him feel uncomfortable (as if it wasn't uncomfortable enough), they've started threatening him again when he would be at their house. He has decided not to see his daughter until their next court date which isn't for another 3-4 weeks.
I feel absolutely awful for him. It angers me, upsets me, and has me feeling useless. I really wish I could help me, but I know there is nothing I could do. These people are ridiculously toxic, dysfunctional, mentally unstable, and malicious. I can think of a lot more descriptive words, but I'll keep it classy and mature. The number 1 problem is our mother! My sister is just a follower and she is digging her hole. In that family, my mother gets everyone involved. She lies and twists things around to get people on her side, when no one should be involved, including her. I believe she has NPD and my sister has BD. They're posting malicious and immature crap on Facebook, including our SIL. There is so much back story to this, I'd type about 10 novels. The way I see it is, it's about control. They aren't thinking about the baby's well-being, but when she is old enough she will end up finding out the truth. This has happened in their family now twice in less than a year. It first happened about 30 yrs ago, the second time was last year, and now the third time it's going on now.
Re: Unbelievable
She needs one and the biodad needs one.
THis is for child support issues, child visitation and anything at all that concerns the kiddo. You cannot DIY and neither can the biodad.
If she retained an attorney from the onset (and he also, retained one, for his child's best interest and for his own protection) all of this could have been avoided -- or perhaps it would not have happened at all.
The kid is also being used as a pawn and a middleman. Very sad and no example for the kids.
it isn't too late.
Your sis needs an attorney and so does the biodad. They need to get their differences settled, and amicably, before the youngster is old enough to start picking up on things and assimilating what's happening with her and her parents.
Wishing you luck. If she tries to get you involved and tries to use you as one of her "army" against the biodad, tell her to keep it.
Adding her own recipe for vitriol on Facebook, is your mother? Sheesh....this is plenty of evidence for the courts, not to mention just plain childish and stupid.
They may need some sort of a mediator, your sis and the biodad. This mess needs to get rectified and cleaned up asap.
I totally agree with everything you have stated! However, I will never speak to my sister, unless my mother tries to take her baby away from her. I am already involved, due to being accused of helping her boyfriend out by him getting a lawyer and him taking pictures of the threats they were sending him via text. I did none of the above. I didn't even know lawyers were involved or they broke up until that very week they had court. My DH and I have spoke when I heard from her boyfriend and we decided that if needed, we will stand up for him in court.
Yep! Mother is the one who has been posting ridiculous picture quotes on Facebook. The pictures quotes she posts are actually describing her, when she thinks they aren't. She is a lunatic, along with my sister! My DH and I were threatened by them last year. We were threatened for over a year! They were going to take us to court, they'd put me in jail..blah blah blah. We received a letter by a lawyer that they never retained that stated pretty much to call my Mommy. Our lawyer put a stop to that ASAP! Now, here we are not even a year later and they're doing the same thing to my sister's boyfriend.
Not getting involved unless the court asks me to. They can't come after me and they definitely won't as well. Thanks.
Yep. This. MYOB.
I do believe my niece will be emotionally abused at some point in her life. I also believe she will be lied to by my sister and my mother. My mother did this to me my entire life. I supposedly was taken away from my father at a very young age due to him being abusive to her and him doing drugs. She is repeating history! I was told my entire life that my father was an awful person, he never worked, he did drugs, and was an alcoholic. I come to find out that it wasn't true. I finally reconnected with my father and paternal grandparents. I was lied to about numerous things from my mother. Now, her and my sister are trying to do the same thing with my niece's father. I am not getting involved, unless I am being called to court. I feel terrible for my niece, her dad, and her paternal relatives.
I'm not asking if I should get involved. I already know I'm not going to get involved. I think it's bs of what they're doing. Honestly, my mother needs to be stopped! She did this to my DH and I last year and now to my niece's dad. I can't do anything to stop her or make them change. I am really just venting and cannot believe that anyone would do such things. For some reason, she seems to think a child doesn't need their father in their child's lives.
If she failed a drug test and the father passed he should be awarded sole custody and she can have visitation. Of course other factors play in such as if he has a good job, makes enough money, can swing paying for childcare and other things, lives on his own, good school district, etc. Courts historically side with the mother but proven drug abuse flips the script in his favor.
Sometimes people just don't have enough drama going on naturally and they feel the need to create it. It is horrible they would deny the child the right to see her father.
As far as what you can do... you can write a nicely written and coherent letter to the judge presiding over their custody battle which gives a detailed description of your sister and the boyfriend as parents. Be very careful here not to seem spiteful or in any way biased. Just matter of fact with real examples from only the last couple of years. This can be very helpful and you should also provide a copy to your boyfriend's lawyer. Of course your mom and sister will be mad, oh well you don't talk to them anyways. You may be able to still see your niece through the boyfriend though!
I totally agree with everything you've stated! It is very hard to take a baby away from a mother in the state of PA. Plus, I honestly would never want to see that happen, unless my niece was being abused. I don't think I will have to do anything because I think they are really going to fail once again. My niece's father is a great dad and a good person. He has a really good job and when there's overtime, he takes it. They're just wasting their money with not agreeing with split custody. He is going to be awarded split custody, especially since she failed her drug test. Even if she didn't fail it, he would get split custody anyways. How dumb can you be to go into court and accuse someone of doing drugs, when you are the one who is actually doing them? Then, you take a drug test and it proves it is you and not him. Talk about feeling like an idiot and liar.
Not to be mean, but I am glad it happened to her. She has done a lot of malicious and vindictive things, along with lied about a lot. My mother has as well. I know I'll see my niece through her dad and so will other family members who don't see her. My mother, adopted dad, and sister caused a lot of pain in our entire family. Even made a rift between a lot of family members. My mother lied to my grandmother about a lot of things while my grandmother was on her death bed. They are just toxic individual's and I hope they will be stopped and taught a lesson for all of the things they have done and currently are still doing.
My mom is similar and I totally understand how frustrating this can be. She gets caught up in lies and lives in la-la land. Sometimes you just have to value yourself enough to decide that you can't allow their toxicity in your life anymore.
It is so sad that a child is caught up in all of this. It always seems that the people who should never have any children feel the most entitled to have as many as they can. I doubt they ever had a functional relationship given how the custody battle is going. I will never understand why in a situation like that someone would get pregnant.
I really hope it all gets sorted out in the father's favor. It's messed up that women get preferential treatment in custody disputes even when they are the worse parent. I went through this as a child and would have been much better off living with my even-tempered sane dad instead of my drug addicted violent mom who hopped between abusive relationships. But she did her makeup and hair for court appearances and cried about how hard life was for her. Judges always ruled in her favor and my dad paid so much child support he lived poor while my mom could buy a bottle of wine every night and always have new highlights. On top of child support he was the one who had to buy our clothes and pay for any extras we had because my mom used the support for herself. Anyways... just making the point that the court system needs to rationally look at the full picture instead of believing the woman. That doesn't always happen but luckily children grow up and can see the big picture for themselves. I think today it is slightly more equal because women have more equality in the workplace and in society so judges may be willing to see both sides.
Keep your distance. Your sister's xBF got himself into this mess with her and had a 50/50 role in knocking her up. This is his responsibility to deal with. Good for him for being a stand-up guy and fighting for his daughter. You don't have to worry about getting your niece away from your side of the family; her dad and her paternal grandparents are already on it.
Also, I know you are well-meaning, but he has parents to support him. Your involvement will just get your family more riled up and complicate things further.